Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

You are preaching to the choir here. Does your 2 year old nap? If they do, the day I know the 2 year old will be at home whilst my 5 year old is at school I stay up late the night before and have a nap when the 2 year old naps. My 2DS is going to turn 3 in 2 months and only now has he and his brother started playing nicely which is making life a lot easier.

Could your DH really not change his work life balance to spend more time at home? Unless he works on an oil rig I'm sure there's some flexibility. He hasn't changed anything as he hasn't needed to. Tell him you need some time alone. Do you have any time to yourself on an evening or weekend? How many evenings is he home? Arrange to go out when he's next home. You might find he will think about his work schedule if he's got to look after his own children twice a week.

@itsallgonetomush it’s hard no matter how supportive your partner is.

I have no advice but just wanted to say I agree with you xx

DH should be having both DC in his sole care regularly.

You can ignore all the posters telling you this but it’s still the truth.

As a single, fulltime working mum, I knew I would be sole carer right from the day I left ex. I accepted that, it was what I wanted, and I'd grab the odd half hour when DS was asleep to have 'me moments'.

They constituted a mug of decent coffee, a cereal bar or chocolate, and a book or a quick gossip with dsis. It was still preferable to living with ex.

Can you design a half hour 'luxury pack' for those times? Whatever makes you happy & relaxed, and then don't miss an opportunity when it comes along.

This is the issue IMO.

DP and I take turns to have a half day alone. So maybe in Saturday he will wake up and take the kids somewhere, be back at lunch for nap time. Then the afternoon is spent together. Then on Sunday I'll wake up with the children and he gets a lie in/chill. And again, afternoon spent together.

If you're not willing to do that then I'd probably book one day off a month when DC after in childcare/school and just exist.

DH isn’t around a lot

but I’ll rush there and then rush back to relieve DH

Why does he need relieving if he isn't around much?

Sounds like you have a DH problem.

Yeah, it's tough. Trying to help my older one do homework and listen to him read while the toddler is climbing all over me and shrieking fries my brain. Sometimes I say to my kids, "If someone says "Mummy" one more time, my brain is going to explode, so if you don't want to be stepping in congealed brain cells, we need some silence here".

Sometimes I bribe them with a piece of chocolate for whoever can stay silent the longest.

Trying to get anything done with the two of them is like hoicking around two naughty, cute, noisy millstones.

Sometimes I get dirty looks from people round about when I'm telling my kids off when they're not doing what they're told. I occasionally feel like saying "I'm running a 2-for-1 deal here, if you're interested?"

So you feel guilty leaving your husband to parent his own kids, but wouldn't feel guilty asking his or your mum to babysit if they could? I think you've got some internalised misogyny going on there.

I love this!

Looking after two young children is hard. I nearly lost my sanity and my DH was a totally hands on equal parent in every sense. But you have to let go of this huge sense of guilt.

Don’t feel guiltly about your husband - he’s a grown man and can look after himself and he has an easier life than you in many ways.

Don’t feel guilty about letting your kids squabble and bum around. A bit of benign neglect and not being so attentive to their activities every single second is actually good for their development. They need to learn to amuse themselves, they need to learn to exist together, they need to tolerate being bored, they need to learn that no…mummy is having 10 mins sit down with a coffee and they should play nicely or watch tv until she’s finished.

You are doing the classic thing of trying to snowplough all the challenges out of their way without letting them learn the tools for themselves. This is why children’s mental health is through the floor. Frantic parents wracked with guilt who won’t let their kids build resilience. Yes, yours are young, but this is the age to start. Stop with the guilt, start building up their independence from mummy, baby step by baby step.

The dads don't seem to be asked, only mums.

so why can't he just have both? he's not seeing them in the week, surely he wants as much time with them as possible in a weekend!

so is he away alot of do you have weekends? You've said both. if he's rarely home, he needs to use some of his big salary to buy you in the support he isn't giving.

but your not helping them learn to coexist. I have 3, 10 and 6. the twins in particular can take 5 minutes to tell me a 10 word sentence I swear 😂 and ds has autism and struggles with waiting. but they have to learn. ds has to learn to wait. the twins have to learn to wait when they're second or third in the queue. they have to learn to treat each other kindly. and I spend a lot of time telling 2/3 kids to be quiet cos I'm listening to the other one, but I couldn't imagine splitting them every time there's two adults around - how will it ever get better?

Today I absolutely hear you OP. Today I was supposed to get the house to myself to get my work done for the first time since the kids finished for Christmas. Instead 'snow days'.

I have 1 in secondary and one (sen) in 3 day a week college. So now I'm trying to coax the 12yr old to do his work and the 16yr old to engage with hers... I've just sent them both out in the snow for an hour because I cannot deal with anymore. I guess I at least have that over your toddler household!.

It's often divided and conquer here too, DH is here wfh today but he has 'gone for a walk to clear his head'. My work... well I guess it will wait again.

Enjoy the leg wax... and try to take a breather around it. No need to rush back - he can hold the fort for another half hour...

why did you start the thread, may i ask? I think in reality there have been relatively few comments (by MN standards!) about your DH, more that have suggested you could make things a little easier for yourself? (and I have sadly read all the posts (sadsadsad!🙄)

I guess we all do what works for us, even if others don’t approve, they spend plenty of time together.

Honestly OP I’m with you

I literally skipped down the street when my last ones started school wondering why on earth other mums were crying
and mine were all easy and got on
( all boys ..twins and 3yrs older brother)

They had been in nursery full time as I worked but because it was further away it was all such a rush to get there then work, then pick up with dh working in the opposite direction and further away

However
After my initial excitement it was short lived with dh still working a long commute away and me ( in the same profession as him as an architect ) compromising job wise and doing it all.

So
dh moved jobs to more local. I had to, because of our kids, but me alone wasn’t enough so he did too

Perhaps you need to discuss that as an option
either
You move Nearer dh work
Dh moves jobs

It was the best thing we ever did for all the family

It is not really working for you though, is it? Read your OP.

It’s working more than the alternative

Thanks @BrownTroutBluesAgain . At the moment it isn’t possible for a plethora of reasons. Maybe one day!

Do you think? I think it’s fixated on DH!

But I started it really because it helps when you get a bit of solidarity. It does seem I’m alone though!

the irony! 😂(laughing in sympathy!)

If they rely on his income it’s not unreasonable that he carries on working as he was before.

Men on here are subject to the MN paradox - make lots of money to support the family otherwise you’re a cocklodger CF but also be on call 24/7 to give the woman a break.

Mix it up so you each get three hours of the weekends with no DC to do whatever you want.