Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

Agree
This is The best solution for everyone for now

The kids need to spend time together aswell.

The idea that he should “carry on working as before” because the family relies on his income treats paid work as the only contribution that really counts. It ignores the fact that care work is also real work. Parenting, especially when the demands are high, is exhausting in ways that don’t show up on a payslip.

Expecting one person to be on duty almost all the time while the other’s role stays unchanged is not practical or fair.

Families don’t just need money, they need two functioning adults. If one partner is burning out from constant responsibility, the whole family suffers. The child feels it, the relationship feels it, and eventually the working parent feels it too. A setup that protects one person’s energy by draining the other does not work.

Saying things should stay the same assumes the situation hasn’t changed. But when a family’s needs increase, everyone’s roles have to adapt. Clinging to old arrangements just because they used to work is not realism, it is avoidance.

The so called paradox that men must either earn a lot or be endlessly available sets up a false choice. Shared responsibility does not mean being on call every minute.

Calling it “giving her a break” suggests that childcare is mainly the woman’s job and the man is just helping out. Parenting is not a favour. It is a shared responsibility.

It is reasonable to consider income needs. It is not reasonable to use them to justify unequal labour, chronic burnout and one sided responsibility. A family is not a business contract. It is a partnership.

My mum is dead, and if DHs parents were to babysit it would probably be his dad to be honest as his mum has health problems: but they don’t, it’s too far. I’m not sure where this has come from as all I have said is that grandparents don’t babysit; I didn’t specify which genders or who belonged to who.

You are doing too much at the weekends, I know you don’t want solutions but you are doing too much at the weekend.

You could also take a days annual leave from work once a month. You will burn out if you keep going as you are. We have all done it.
Filling the weekends up with things to keep them busy but actually doing nothing is really beneficial when you are working.

@3luckystars honestly I an good with the weekends as they are. I think this is where you can get into a bit of a can’t win on here as if I posted weekends lasted forever and the kids got on one another’s nerves and kept arguing and I was fed up with them I know the advice would be to get them out; for DH to take one and I take the other. We all do what works best for us.

And unfortunately I am a teacher so I can’t have annual leave. I think that’s why it’s tiring as while last year my days off with them were hellish I did usually have two or three days in the holidays to recuperate but now I don’t! So have I hang in there until DD starts school, and I will miss her but it will be nice to have some time for me back. I’m trying to tell myself it’s only really a few months.

Ok if it’s working best for you then keep doing as you are. All the best.

What would weekends look like if you said every Saturday or Sunday we will take turns having a few hours/half a day down time, child free however you like to use it? Could the kids still attend activities etc? I do understand how you feel, i have a 7 and 3 year old who argue alot and also have swimming football etc. Me and my partner do give each other down time though, might be going out with friends on a Friday evening or a few hours on a weekend. I know you say you feel guilty and how enjoyable would it actually be but once you get into a routine of it, it will be fine and become normal

Excellent, good to hear you are happy with your routine and time spent with your DC.

Eh? The whole point if your thread is that it doesn’t work for you because you’re knackered because you don’t get a break.

the solution is really simple - your dh parents solo far far more. That isn’t slagging him off. That’s saying that that is the solution to you not having a moment to yourself.

I wouldn’t have entertained living like this on a weekend when my kids were small. I had Saturday afternoon (played hockey then went out for drinks with the girls) and dh played golf on a Sunday morning. We also each went to the gym on different weekday evenings.

The joys of having children you have to look after them.
If you think there is more to it this time of year due to lack of sunlight vitamin D levels can drop making people feel blue, visit your GP.
Hope you feel happier very soon.

@Dumbo18 i guess that’s taking things in a bit of a different direction. I do know some people have this kind of very prescriptive approach and it obviously does work for some but I wouldn’t be totally comfortable with it to be honest.

They are getting easier (slowly!) - like I say, I am aware one of my problems is I compare myself and my life to people who only have one so I literally have double the work but it feels like I’m doing a rubbish job.

@arethereanyleftatall - to be honest, it wasn’t and perhaps that’s why the thread hasn’t been massively successful because a lot of people seem to think all will be OK if I have an hour to myself on a Friday evening or I can go out on a Sunday morning and it’s kind of more than that. I’m trying to articulate a feeling I suppose that isn’t quickly solved with a ‘get a babysitter’ or ‘get DH to have them for a bit.’

To be fair, though, it's a reasonable question. Four is a lot of children and hard work. It's not as if having children is compulsory. I always feel bad for the kids when parents have more than they can cope with. They didn't ask to be born and contraception is freely available.

I am glad it’s been posted as I missed it! Thank you @Thesonofaphesantplucker - you’ve articulated it so well. I think because when they are at school I’ll know I have say, Tuesday and Wednesdays to do as I please … for a few hours anyway!

Not sure if I have missed it, but inset days are where you need to plan time to yourself...I recall the school I worked at being different to my own children's. If that's the case for you make sure youngest is in nursery and then have the day to yourself..hopefully you still have some inset days to come.

It's just the age they are OP, honestly it gets easier to carve out time for yourself as they get older. You're in the trenches at the moment having to do everything for them and life is completely centred around them and their needs, but it will gradually change. Mine are 11 and 14 now, I hardly see them as they're more often than not in their rooms or just pottering about the house doing their own thing. I have a lot of time to myself now, I can go away for the weekend without barely a backward glance, go for a mooch around the shops on my own, etc. They don't need me in the same way, they help out with chores around the house and I can leave them home alone for a couple of hours if needed.

That said, you don't have to wait 10 years to get some time for yourself. Prioritise yourself occasionally, it's beneficial to them to have a mum who isn't running on empty. When mine were a similar age to yours I used to take myself off every other Sunday morning to a nice hotel locally for a swim followed by a solo coffee in their onsite restaurant. I was only gone 2 hours max and it did me the world of good. Obviously it doesn't have to be that specifically, but you get the gist. Take care of yourself.

Also not sure if I have got confused, but if ones at school can't you just put the youngest in nursery for an extra day every so often?

Thanks @RancidRuby … it’s true that it’s not as far off as gen years, hopefully even in six months things will be very different.

INSET days unfortunately don’t work as I teach and besides there’s only one more left at ds’s school this year.

It’s money @Moonnstarz , it’s really expensive.

Totally get it. It's relentless when you are both working and they are this age. You divide and conquer with a good spouse [which it sounds like you have], in attempt to give the kids every opportunity going and frankly between that, work and home stuff there is never a minute when even if you have time to yourself, you are not thinking about the list of urgent stuff that needs doing.

And nights out with girlfriends with kids the same age are vanishingly rare for all the reasons you outlined.

A friend with 2 smaller than yours posted on Insta during the week. A pic out the train window with "when a solo 2 hour train trip feels like a spa weekend" and it did make me laugh. I can remember the hedonistic freedom of a 30 mins trip to the supermarket leaving a breastfed DD2 with DH along with a toddler ! Mine are teens now so that's a while ago.

It does get easier. I can't promise they'll get on but at least they'll be able to entertain themselves for a bit with some lego or similar. or sit down and watch a film as a family. If you have a three yr old, that is a couple of years away I'm afraid.

In the meantime we did start carving time out by saying no to the occasional birthday party. Ringfencing a weekend to keep clear for ourselves as a family once a month/six weeks and trying to go out together without the kids with a similar regularity. If you don't, you do get to a point where you have nothing to say to each other that isn't child related.

Some people will happily take themselves off for a solo weekend or manage to carve out gym trips and other personal time. I understand completely the feeling that you want to see your kids when you are not working but also the sheer tiredness. It's a difficult balance.

Just for the love of god don't get a dog. That's another 15 years of neediness.

See it as a birthday treat to yourself then and perhaps look at finances to see if you could do one day a month.

I do remember when mine were young wanting to be busy all the time - looking back I think it was me and actually I needed to chill and give mine time to actually learn to be bored and be in the house, as while doing stuff all the time is great that can also be expensive (seeing as you mention not being able to afford extra nursery days) and also it becomes expected by the children that they will always have something to entertain them. Hard in the moment to see that though and it's only now mine are older I can see the benefits of a day at home for everyone.

My kids are the same age as yours op and I absolutely hear you.

Why did you have to rush home to relieve him? They’re his children too. I think your view of sharing the load is skewed. My DH works very hard with challenging shift patterns but he still picks up his fair share of the load.

That post meant a lot @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams [floweers]

Thanks @Iocanepowder

Welcome. It's a juggle

Given you are a teacher, I do think [in the interest of your own mental health and not murdering a short person somewhere] you are entirely justified in setting some funds aside to put both into a summer camp or childcare for a couple of days for major holidays to wind down a bit. Yes it would be nice if your husband had the same opportunity but frankly, he presumably works with grown ups and can have a bleddy cup of tea at his desk undisturbed.

No I am able to cope fine. But as you say yourself, it’s a lot of hard work. I didn’t ever say I didn’t want them, I empathised with a woman (who by the way, has fewer children than me, but feels the same, so, perhaps is a somewhat universal feeling), who currently finds it overwhelming, and just wants to do something on her own occasionally.

Smear tests, waxing appointments, dentist appointments etc with children are just about as difficult as you can imagine.

My children feel loved, want for nothing and are supported completely.

The same cannot always be said for the mothers. Which is what my post, and the OPs post are referring to.