Tired of always having a child with me

[itsallgonetomush]

I know it is a bit unreasonable.

Two kids, 5 and 2. I literally always have one or both. I get time to myself at work in theory but work is rushed and manic so not particularly enjoyable. And nursery is right near work. So I go from nursery drop off to work to pick up to home and on my days off and weekends / holidays obviously always have my children.

I was naive before I had them and thought it would be lovely because obviously my amazing parenting would mean they were a delight to be around not that they aren’t but they obviously are just normal kids and very hard work

I think I’m still run down after the stress fest that was the Christmas holidays. But does anyone else struggle with lack of time to yourself? Or have you adjusted better than me to motherhood?

My DH travelled a lot further work and GOs either too old (late 70s), not in the country or not interested.
My DH did take the kids swimming most Saturdays for the morning. Great time for the three of them and I had a chill morning. Then there was one period where I took an afternoon class on a Saturday. Other than that it was full on.

You're very defensive.

As I said earlier, no, I would not consider him to be a martyr, because realisticaly, he CAN get some downtime during work hours/commuting etc (as I did). If, however, I felt he DID need the downtime, then yes, I'd say he was being a martyr for not taking the extra hour.

As for collecting DD - you said originaly you had to rush home to relieve your DH and do bed and bath time. So I think the assumption from all of us is that he is at home with the DC and could, of course, collect any DC that need collecting. If that's not the case, then fine, today is not the day for getting some time out. But that doesn't mean you can't ever find a time to get some time to yourself.

Personally I'd go to the gym, or wrap up and go for a walk with my ear buds in, or go to the shopping centre for a wander. All things I do regularly. If I am tired and feeling overwhelmed with too much going on but don't want to leave the house I might go read my book for a while and let DH handle dinner

Sounds like you both have quite full on jobs and while it's easy for everyone to start husband bashing, we don't know your setup. My suggestion would be to simplify the weekends and traid some free time. He takes them on a Saturday afternoon and you take them on a Sunday afternoon. You're each getting some child free time that way. I say this as a mum of teens now. Our weekends were mostly kept simple because the weekdays were already exhausting.

Also, I should add, when your husband is there during the week, divide and conquer. He entertains the kids while you cook dinner and then he tidys up after while you bathe them and vice versa. Makes a huge difference. My husband used to travel loads for work but when he was home I always made use of him when it came to house load!

@NewCushions I'm not being so intentionally I just feel a bit guilty everyone is slating DH when he really is a lovely guy (mostly) who does a lot for us all (as he should) but ultimately what I’m trying to express is that this goes way beyond a snatched hour after a leg wax or even an afternoon ‘off’. It’s more feeling my entire life is taken over I guess. It will get easier, I know!

Partially it's a mindset problem. You are letting your feelings of guilt and self-imposed pressure disrupt any time you can get to yourself.

At 5pm on a Friday in winter, I would go to a coffee shop (or a pub) for a hot chocolate (or G&T) with a magazine or book for a nice half hour of quiet. It was a valuable moment to reset myself when I had three young kids and a DP working away 4 days a week.

Decide how to carve out small bits of time for yourself and (this is the important bit) fully let go of the churn in your head for that small amount of time.

It did me the world of good in the chaotic early years.

Honestly, I don't think there is a solution for you. You won't change your attitude, you won't change your routine, you won't think of any creative solutions or accept any suggestions. So tough it out and hopefully it'll get better. But generally things get better with active effort.

Take a days annual leave to do something by yourself! It’s bliss.

I know its alot, and can be hard to see the woods for the trees. But you are currently in a certain routine which doesn't give you any free time / down time without the kids. Given you have a supportive husband, you can rectify this by figuring out a new routine that gives you a bit of breathing space.

I think that feeling like a snatched hour isn't enough is reasonable. But when it starts to become a consistent hour or two, or even an afternoon or evening, you start to at least have that in your mind to look forward or appreciate.

There are also small things you can do that people have suggeted - taking an extra 30 minutes to stop on your way home from work before collecting kids or whateer.

I don't think people are slating your DH. I think they're saying that this i ssomething that, to solve, you need him to help with.

It gets better, and quite quickly. But maybe review the number of weekend activities. We've done most of ours in the evenings and kept weekends quite free. Only at 9&11 are we doing weekend stuff and that's because it's stuff they really want to do.

I've found ritual really important for maximising small slithers of time.

Bath: fancy candle, no phone near by, good book.

Coffee shop: dress nicely, adding bits I might usually avoid (nice necklace, jacket, handbag)

Everything's shut, it's dark and cold, I'm going mad: car for 30 min with hot water bottle, blanket, pillow, nice hot chocolate and book. Sometimes even that is enough but it's the ritual of treating myself well that really helps.

I think trying to keep your children separate is setting you all up to fail. Siblings need time together to bond, yes they may argue, but that is actually good for them too. Try not to get involved unless someone is about to get hurt.

I've found this a very sad thread.

And why can't your DH do dinner? No need to rush

Honest question, do you even know what fills your cup anymore?

I'm an introvert so I need solo time to decompress and process. Maybe you need more time with friends to recharge your extrovert battery.

I understand it's difficult with 2 small children but realistically what did you expect life would be like? They are not with you 'all the time' they are in school and nursery some of the time and presumably in bed by 7.30ish? Most people with 2 small children don't have much time to themselves, that's just the nature of parenting very young children! Yes, it's possible to carve out a bit of time at the weekends if each parent is willing to take both children for a few hours but generally speaking, your children will be with you most of the time 🤷‍♀️

@Endofyear i was so naive … I had no idea how much work was involved and how stressful it actually is! I am the first to admit that. It has got easier with ds but the two of them together are still very difficult and I don’t know it that will ever change tbh.

It’s not very nice for anybody when we do. Just to give an example - ds tends to take forever to say something. Just now he came up to tell me something and I was say there for a good while as he repeated mummy .., mummy … you know … mummy you know … mummy … when he’s on his own you can obviously be patient and let him take his time a bit but when dd is there she starts talking or squawking and so trying to listen to / tend to them both at once is soul destroying. And they wind one another up. They spend plenty of time together but generally it is better for everyone when they don’t!

which one is older? If your DS is older and struggling to communicate, that's something you should look into. If your DS is the younger one and his older sister is being annoying when he's trying to communicate, you should dbe telling her to be quiet while he's talking.

I get that it's hard to do that consistently, but it's definitely worth considering.

I also note tha tmost of my friends who have chidren who are harder to parent together (including me) have at least one child who is ND. So I do sympathise - combined with a four year age gap in our case, and we have always had to do a lot of divide and conquer. But I stand by the fact that you can and must find ways to get a bit of relaxation. For me sometimes it was just about not feeling I have to RUSH.

Ds is the older one. His speech is fine, just tends to spend a long time telling you something

It does get easier as they get older and are more independent - it's very hard when they're little! Hang in there 💐

Obviously you know your situation best, but I really would try and address them being able to spend time happily together. I think it would really change the dynamics and you might be able to see those pockets of time to take for yourself more easily. For instance, why can't they go swimming at the same time? Dad takes them and you have that time each week to yourself? If it's lessons and they are in different groups can you book them in back to back lessons so you're just doing one trip and the other child colours/ reads etc whilst you watch the other?

My two eldest kids would choose to be together over almost anything else and I think my life would be significantly harder if that wasn't the case. Yes they argue and push each others buttons but that's siblings and they are learning value skills in resolving things together.

And just to add, I do really get that it's difficult. But the year my eldest was 4 and in two days a week preschool and my middle was a baby was the absolute best year. My youngest is now home alone whilst the others are at school and I really feel for them all that they don't get that time together as a trio.

We’re all different. I don’t doubt you loved it - not everyone does, and that’s OK.

The children will get easier together.