dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

I’m not surprised your husband snapped. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. It’s not a disaster everyone needs to stop over reacting.

You are not the worst mum in the world. Are you getting support for DS’s behaviour? And is your DP getting support for their mental health. This is one of those situations that has escalated and you DP has reacted. He needs strategies to deal with DS’s behaviour before it gets to that point again

I would not do anything at this stage, IF your DP is his father. In that case, he’s been pushed to his limit and given an open handed smack that is not on a delicate area such as the head.

Your son’s behaviour sounds incredibly challenging and mixed with your DP’s fragile mental health a perfect storm
no it’s less than ideal - it was done in anger and it’s horrible for everyone
your DP isn’t a monster
what strategies do you have in place to manage your ds’s behaviour ?

Sounds like he was pushed to his limits, however there is no excuse when it comes to hitting a child, but he’s not a monster, he’s acknowledged he made a mistake.

You need to speak to him and find a way to ensure this does not happen again xx

Maybe dh does need a break away to focus on his mh recovery
He might snap again and it could be worse outcome

In a normal environment I'd 100% say pack his bags and kick him out BUT if your DP has been signed off for MH and all of the other bits you listed, then I can understand his reaction. I don't condone it at all - violence doesn't solve anything in the long run but it very much sounds like it was a one off and your DP hit his limit.

I would contact early help and explain what's happened. They're probably who you would be referred to anyway with DS' behaviour being so triggering. Say you're all not coping and you need intervention now to protect everyone.

Your DS behaviour sounds difficult and draining. As parents we are not perfect. We are humans too and we’re also learning how to parent. It sounds like DP was at his wits end and snapped in the heat of the moment, rather than being intentionally abusive.

This has crossed a line.

Adults need to learn to feel anger but control their behaviour. Your DP could have locked himself in the bathroom for a minute if he felt he was losing his temper, he could have found a way to isolate a 6 year old or de-escalate his behaviour or just ignore it.

It is absolutely never OK to hit a 6 year old child in any circumstances.

In terms of where you go from here, your DP sounds like he needs counselling and help with his mental health generally and particularly his anger issues. You need to keep him away from your DS until he has had help and proven himself capable of being a parent who is not violent to his children EVER.

And please stop defending him and justifying it. I bet if DS was doing the exact same thing to you, you can’t imagine ever hitting him. That is because you’re able to control yourself and he isn’t.

Agree with the above comment. Parenting challenging children can be very hard. He feels awful, he doesn’t think it’s appropriate, he didn’t leave a mark and it doesn’t sound like he’ll do it again.

Is ds dp's ds? Honestly where do you think ds gets his anger issues from? School?
Gaming? TV?
Friends?
Relatives?
Response to abuse of some kind?
Have you sent a GP?

I think this needs to be the trigger for you seeking some professional support for DSs behaviour. Has he experienced trauma? Does he have some needs which aren’t being addressed? Do you need some new parenting strategies? He sounds like a troubled little boy. But he is only 6, there is time to turn this around. Let this be the trigger.

Whilst obviously this shouldn’t have happened, it has. The circumstances you describe give some insight into why it escalated into this.

Your DS is ok, he’s not injured. You aren’t a bad mum, you haven’t done anything wrong.

Going forward you both need to make sure this never happens again. Work together and support each other. From what you’ve told us, I don’t believe you need to report this or leave. I would suggest DP accesses an anger management course.

oh my comment was to the first one about making a mountain out of a molehill.

I don’t think he’s a monster. I think that people have limits and life isn’t black and white.

Maybe your son will think twice before he behaves like that again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your son sounds relentless and I'm not surprised DP snapped. That type of behaviour would be enough to send anyone over the edge.

Why does DS behave like that?

this.
although maybe your child will behave better now…. but it’s still time to seek help, both of them need it.

It was wrong but understandable to snap like this.

Use this as a beginning. DS’s difficult, dreadful behaviour will not improve with a violent reaction. Something is wrong for DS, school, new baby, trauma …. something. See if your GO can refer you for help. Read, get help with how to look after a child behaving this way.

Many older people on mumsnet will have been smacked as children. Everyone now recognises this is wrong and will not work. But it seems very unlikely your DH is a horrific, violent abuser because of this one incident.

Probably a good lesson to your ds. How does he know so many swear words at age 6?

The light bulb phrase I heard on a parenting podcast was: Kids don't give you a hard time, they're having a hard time.

Your dh is struggling with mh. This has to be affecting your ds who seems to be crying out for attention. Children aren't little adults. They do not process or understand the way we do - or the way we want them to. The can't just give us space because they need us.

Your dh needs help, ie counselling and medication.
Get help for your ds, child therapy, family therapy.

" i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused"

Why on earth did you watch this happen for an hour? I would have picked him up and taken him upstairs 5 minutes into this shit show.

Is your DP his dad? Knowing that he has significant mental health issues atm I’m struggling to understand why you didn’t intervene properly when it became evident that your DS behaviour was causing him to become more and more agitated (he was removing himself from the situation and DS was following him, he was trying to diffuse it from what you’ve described). It’s not ideal by any means but as an isolated incident from someone who is going through a mental health crisis and who was being pushed I don’t think I’d label him a monster. I do think you need to seek help for DS behaviour if you’ve not done so already and further help for DP, and most likely yourself as you have a lot on your plate with these challenges and a baby as well.

He’s human, he snapped under extreme circumstances. Having been in similar circumstances I’d recommend you seek some help for your ds so things in your home can be calmer.

In case it helps my ds was just like this at 6. He has PDA - learning various strategies and making sure each parent had regular breaks etc made a difference.

This!

Exactly what consequences did your child have for any of this appalling behaviour other than you telling them to go upstairs and them ignore that as well?

He probably would have attacked her. She was holding the baby too. Boys this age in a rage are very strong.