dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

This!!! ^^

Is your DP the father of your DS?

does your son have additional needs?
that said, even with that, he should not act like this with zero consequences

I would have probably lost my shit and given him a 90s slap on the backside after an hour too and pissing on the floor?! nope

This, why was this behaviour allowed to continue? This isn't a teen who's bigger than you it's a 6 year old. Between the two of you you could have picked him carried him to his room deposited him there.

I don't think your DP is monster plenty of us got the odd smack as a child and weren't left traumatised. I can tell you for free I deserved the few snacks I got, I knew full well I shouldn't have been doing what I was and yes it taught me there were consequences to poor behaviour. Times have changed now and we know there are other methods better employed but one brief open handed smack will not leave your DS traumatised for life.
He sounds like he has got serious behavioural issues you need to get a proper handle on and fast.

At only 6, your DS sounds like a difficult child. Unless he has undiagnosed special needs, you’re going to need to get on top of this behaviour. It’s not acceptable.

I would normally be the first to say get that man out of your house but in this instance the issue here is your son.

His behaviour is far beyond a 6 year old playing up. The weeing deliberately on the floor and systematically aggravating your DP to get a reaction is a clear signal of some serious behavioural issues. This has crossed from challenging to disturbing.

Use this as the catalyst to get outside support for everyone before your family unit is shattered and you are left to parent a deeply troubled child alone.

Your child is acting like a little brat no wonder he snapped. You need to get help for your son because that doesn’t sound at all like normal behaviour.

Is he his Dad? That makes a difference. Dad who's never behaved this way before Vs new partner of 18 months who you may not know as well are 2 different things.

I would have popped the baby in the pram in a safe part of the home and took over.

DH has become overwhelmed when our youngest has meltdowns and other abusive behaviours. We take it in turns to let the other parent have breathing space. That's your job, to be a support network to one another. Have each others back.

I'm also not surprised something like this has happened. I hope your DP is getting help for his mental health, if he isn't then this should spur him on.

Your son on the other hand needs dealing with an asap because he's only going to get bigger and more difficult to control. Are you getting any help for his behaviour?

Surely the obvious thing would have been for your partner to take himself away from the situation? You were both trying to remove your son but as things escalated, it would have made more sense for your partner to take the baby and go into another room. But I guess no one was thinking clearly in the moment.

Your son has some very challenging behaviour there. Your partner is also struggling. It sounds like you could all use some help. Take this as the trigger to seek that out asap.

Sounds as if it was a long time coming.

My son has challenging behaviours and it comes from.nome of those things, it comes from.neurodivergwnce and difficulty managing his emotions. He's now very well managed but not all kids with challenging behaviour are due to something you can blame

When did such appalling behaviour from a 6yr old become acceptable for a parent to feel unable to intercept through fear of being attacked?! If his behaviour is that bad he is at serious risk to the baby as the parents clearly have zero control or boundaries

You need to get help for you DS this is not normal, I don’t plane DP for snapping he’s only human and only so much he can take were are not perfect.

This is an awful situation. I think your DP needs to learn parenting skills and get help. There's two ways this can go. He either gets hell and never does it again, or now its happened once the second time it happens more easily.

The other thing is your sons behaviour. A couple of things stand out to be as more than tantrums. The deliberately weeing himself, and also knowing swear words. Who has he learned them from? Whoever that is could also be where he is learning aggressive behaviours.

Your husband smacked his son who is old enough to know right from wrong.
Weeing anywhere outside of a toilet is unacceptable. Squaring up to anyone esp their parent is disgusting behaviour. Laughing repeatedly when told to quiet down is downright disrespectful.
Your sons behaviour was deliberately antagonising and very upsetting.
Your reaction to scream was an unnecessary overreaction. Your partner crying was also unnecessary. He tried many times, for over an hour to reason with your son. He even took himself away from the situation and yet he was followed and it continued.
Your son was attempting to bully his father, and he got a slap for it. I'd let son know his behaviour was utterly unacceptable and will not be tolerated and if it carries on there will be further consequences.

I aren't condoning what your dp did and he obviously needs help.

But I'd be interested to know what you do to discipline your son? ND or not, his behaviour is atrocious. There should be some kind of consequence. It cannot carry on the way it is. Take this as a wake up call and get some help as a family.

OP get external support and make a strategy plan for how to cope when it happens again. Make sure everyone is in agreement on how to handle the situation safely and calmly.

This sounds way beyond normal 6yo pushing boundaries behaviour. Are you getting help with your son? It sounds relentless and it sounds like the sudden loud shouting in DP’s face may have triggered some sort of fight or flight response in him. I have a really strong reaction to very loud shouting right in my ear or face, I find it quite triggering and want to react physically myself, I guess it’s a self-protection thing.

DP’s behaviour is obv not ideal but I wouldn’t get caught up on what’s already happened. You both need to figure out how to stop it happening again as this sounds like a really unpleasant household currently for everyone.

I think as others have said this just needs to be a wake up call. Either of you beating yourselves up any more won’t help. Your DP needs to apologise to DS in the morning. Then as a family you need to get collective help for both DP and DS and work on avoiding such triggers so it doesn’t happen again. Me and my DP both get overstimulated and angry with the kids at times but we tend to notice when one is struggling and immediately take over, so the dysregulated parent gets a break and the more regulated one takes over to calm the situation and the more often than not dysregulated child. You need to work as a partnership.

Yes. Mines 17 now. He has additional needs.

When the experts are telling you it's ridiculous you can't physically control your 6yr old, why did you not take note instead of umbrage?

Unless he was 4ft 6 and you are only 5ft 1, whilst I'm sure you've had your equal share of bloody noses as a head thrashes backwards, and bruises, it really doesn't help to insist a fully grown adult is helpless to physically control a 6yr old child.

But likewise, not everything is neurodivergence, and if we assume it is that every time then we may not discover that a child is experiencing something awful that they are reacting to. In this case, the child knows swear words. Thats not coming from neurodivergence, thats learned from somewhere.

I'm team DP.

I would have smacked him to the rhythm of "now.get.your.self.in.to.bed.and.stay.there"

If you couldn’t remove your son from the room then your partner should have gone upstairs himself.