dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

Uk law? It's completely banned in Scotland and Wales. So it absolutely is illegal in parts of the UK.

What an awful situation for your husband. How is he going to get well? DS’s behaviour has probs ly contributed to him being unwell.
How is DS’s room? You probably need to make it safe so you can pit him there for timeout?

You all definitely need help. I hope you get it.

Your husband put up with this behavior for over an hour before smacking your son on the arm? I think he deserves some credit for making it over an hour before he finally snapped.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this. It sounds incredibly hard.

It does sound like you all need external intervention. Your husband needs counselling for his MH. I can imagine his son's behaviour is making him more ill and he snapped.

Your reaction to the incident is different to what I would expect, as you mention you want to report him, even though he is very unwell, immediately feels terrible about it, and was pushed to extremes without help. It is never right to hit a child but he just sounds like someone who snapped for the first time ever and would never do it again.

I would say speak to a health visitor and a GP about your son's behaviour (which sounds very intense), let them signpost you to organisations that may support. They might make a referral to CAHMS though that can take years to get help, but at least there is a bit of hope.

It looks like you all need support and I really hope you find it.

I can't control my 5 year old when he's in meltdown mode. Trying to remove him from a room would result in a lot more than a kicked leg. DS is severely autistic but incredibly strong. I have bruises all over where he's hurt me.
You might think it's simple to pick up a 6 year old and move them but that depends on the child.
OP I don't think your partner is a monster, he's just human. He's already suffering with his mental health and your DS kept pushing until he snapped. I'm more concerned about your DSs behaviour than your DPs. Is he acting like this because of a new sibling?
I think you need to talk to the GP or school nursing team might be better. You really do need support and some will run parenting classes. I attended one (quite a few years ago) and while what I learned in class wasn't all that helpful having the support of the group was.

He’s already out of control. I’d have him at the GP.

Is it really the end of the world? Such drama!

It does sound like he’s had a lot to contend with in the last few years, births of two siblings and being raised by a parent with mental health problems, and possibly in a tense argumentative environment if he’s repeating swear words? Sounds like he’s seeking desperately attention of the positive kind.

Young children do wake up early and seek out their parent first thing. That’s not unusual or “bad” behaviour. It’s just life with young kids.

Your DP will struggle to be emotionally present and able to engage with the child while he’s anxious and depressed. What treatment is your DP getting? Is he exercising etc? He needs to “put his own oxygen mask on before he helps others”.

What about for next few days Dp takes the baby out for a pram walk for 45 minutes while you have undivided positive 1:1 time with the 6 year old. He needs that. Draw together or do a jigsaw and chat. Play imaginary games with him. Ask him questions. Have a long bath with toys in it. Anything. Unconditional positive love everyday, no excuses.

It taught some people to fear those bigger than them, and in time they became people who found it difficult to not bully smaller people - the world is full of people who claim “I was smacked and it never harmed me” whilst those around them can see what dickheads they’ve become!

I’m sick of SN parents and professionals assuming that their children (or those they have learned about whilst gaining qualifications) are the standard blueprint for SN, and then lack the ability to see that not all children are the same. It leads to judgement and lack of support. PDA (and other presentations of ASD, ADHD and some trauma based mental illnesses) manifest in very challenging ways, and too often the first port of call is to blame parents - exactly as we’re seeing from several posters here - your 6 year old can be picked up and removed from the situation because I could do that with mine - and there’s no glimmer of recognition that their experiences may not be the same as others. It’s pure ignorance and only hurts those they are slating.

To judge a mother who is already feeling guilty and broken is not helpful.

@justsooverwhelmed89 You need strategies for next time: give the baby to DH and tell him to go away. You deal with 6 year old. Sternly, firmly and don't let him provoke you. I have had/have the same at home with one ds(asd). I get into robot mode and tell him what I expect. When younger I physically removed him.

I'm sorry op but your post has really annoyed me. Give over with how much you are shaken, terrified, panicking etc. You allowed this situation to escalate. You stood there and watched it unfold. Your son has serious behavioural issues that are not being addressed and from what I've read its more than likely down to your passive parenting. Your partner is going through mental health problems and you did not step in and help him.

Stop it now with your "damsel in distress" attitude, its disgusting.

My only advice is that now this has crossed a line and entered territory which is not OK and is dangerous, help must be accessed immediately and urgently before things spiral.

Mental health support and therapy for DP and talk to the school, the GP and any and all local services for mental health and behavioural support for DS.

Im not saying that this is unforgivable but must be taken seriously and not brushed under the carpet as a one off because it’s an outward display of how bad the inner turmoil has got in both DP and DS

We used physical chastisement for probably the whole of human history until recently.
I do sometimes wonder if we're the ones doing it right, when a stressed, depressed, broken father is weeping on a sofa.

Yes, I'm sure it did happen. But I would imagine that there was a real reluctance to speak up about it in those days. It would have been shaming. It was shaming enough for me when my adopted DD1 (now 16) used to be violent towards me, mainly from ages 6-10. She was occasions violent towards DD2 as well.

It wasn't even about a lack of consequences. I deducted pocket money every time she hurt me, and she regularly got none at all. What did work was asking for help from the post adoption services and they organised 10 sessions of therapy, which involved us working with her to build a bond with her.

The violence towards me stopped, though she continued to throw things in anger. This is much improved now.

Obviously your DS isn’t adopted, OP, but help can be sought through SS, or through the GP.

With DD1, a lot of it was down to jealousy as well, when DD2 came to live with us, though she has been diagnosed with probable FASD and also epilepsy now. There’s been a new baby in this case, who was born 18 months ago. This will have played a part in your DS’s behaviour.

Things can be turned around, but it takes a lot of pushing to get the help you need. We’d first asked for help when DD1 was 6, but it took 4 years for actual therapy to be arranged.

Not amazing parenting of a small baby either, keeping them in a violent stressful environment rather than walking away from the screaming to keep at least one child safe.

School might be telling you your child is not ND but he very clearly is - emotional or personality orders also fall under that banner but are less easily recognised in young children than ADHD or autism. Which we already know are difficult to get statemented.

Whilst I don’t agree with a PP outright diagnosing your child as a psychopath - children cannot be diagnosed as psychopaths - signs of potential adult psychopathy can manifest in children as young as 2 as Conduct Disorder (extreme rule breaking behaviour or defiance) and/or Callous Unemotional traits (lack of empathy, inappropriate response to causing distress in others). Firm, consistent, parental intervention is needed to avoid these traits progressing and can be very successful if implemented early.

I am not saying every challenging child or your child specifically is a potential psychopath but every challenging child can benefit from the strategies advised.

I understand you may both be overwhelmed from this being a repeated behaviour but however bad you and your DH feel now use the fact that both your passivity in this scenario fuelled this episode as much as your child’s behaviour, to change how you respond next time.

If you don’t he will escalate. He will turn his provocations and bullying to your younger children.

Get to your GP, reach out for any and all support available to you. It’s going to be hard but you need to see this as something that will help all of you to move forward from your current mental states and ensure your child’s future is not derailed by his current behaviour.

Ask school to do an early help referral. Go in and speak to them and explain what you are dealing with at home.

this should not have been allowed to go on for an hour. He is 6, he is still at a stage you can physically make him do things.

this needs getting a grip on now or it will get significantly worse as he grows. If younger sibling is also copying you will end up with this x2 and it will be impossible to manage.

get the support in now before it escalates.

In the world, across countries, the majority of parents will have smacked a child at some point. The amount of drama over a single smack to the arm, on a child who is this badly behaved is just ridiculous.

It’s fine honestly. You’ll all be fine. Tbh if your 6yo does this to anyone not his parent they will prob pop him one too. He needs to learn people have limits - is this the best way no prob not but it’s done. As long as it’s not a pattern it’s fine.

Don’t beat yourself or let your husband beat himself up over this. Life’s hard enough without holding your feet to the fire over this

Yes, people with overpowering frightening parents can become nasty passive aggressive bullies of anyone weaker for all that they appear good.

I agree. Maybe beat the little brat a bit though!

Agree.

It's illegal in scotland. As it should be.

Your son sounds like a fucking menance.

Im not remotely surprised he got clipped after an hour of that nonsense.