dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

@ScrollingLeaves I have two sons, I know how strong they could be. She should have handed the baby off to DP, it probably is his child and then still taken the 6 year old out of the room, physically.

You cannot parent out of fear of being hurt, they get bigger and stronger and if you don't nip it in the bud now then it just gets out of control and people are back on here posting that their 12 year old son punched them.

Exactly. Sounds like he deserved it

What professional help are you getting for your son?. We all have a breaking point. The situation is untenable with your fragile husband.

Mine picked them up from older children at school, cousins, overhearing other people swearing.
Swear words are all around us.

This has crossed a line but isn't the end of the world. DP needs to be away from DS for a while I think to focus on himself and maybe get specific help for anger management. Ds now understands that Dad has a limit. It's time to address his behaviour if you haven't already done so. I'd say DP takes a few days off and you schedule a meeting without DS present and work out where you are going for help, make a short term and long term plan.

I had a similar situation, dh didn't hit but came so close and we both thought he was about to. DS was extremely difficult and intentionally provoked but is ND too. Short version, that moment was the catalyst for DP to get counselling which ultimately pointed to ND which i already suspected. Although he hadn't hit, he was shouting and arguing back all the time and it was hell to live with. Now he has techniques to stop escalation and DS doesn't provoke as much.

Sorry, that's an excuse.

6yr old boys are not feeble little 6mth olds, sure. And yes they could thrash about. But let's not pretend an adult couldn't pick them up and restrain them to take them upstairs. Yeah, she might get a kick in the shin. He's 6, not 16.

People need to stop making excuses that the most obvious solution isn't possible, because this helps no one.

Are you getting any support for your son? That kind of behaviour at 6 would really concern me. It's already very manipulative and explosive and I'd be worried about how dangerous he could be in years to come.
I don't think your husband is a monster. I can't condone hitting a child but I can imagine struggling with your mental health and being goaded relentlessly would push you to your limits. He probably needs to be away from your son for a whole for both their sakes.

Under the circumstances it's hardly the end of the world.

This^^

He's 6, not 16

I think the deliberate urinating on the floor and laughing about it would cause me to snap too. Probably wouldn't have hit the child but I know I would have shouted at him . As you say , your DS is OK about it , either because he got DP to snap or he needed an excuse to stop his behaviour.

Why is DS behaving so badly and what is being done to address it?

Is DP his father?

This is the moment when you take stock of your son's behaviour and seek help to deal with him. His behaviour is way outside of normal and needs a plan of action.

Yes, this put it perfectly tbh

You are talking of "my" son. Is this a new partner, a shared child? What's the back story? Sounds like dp was horrified at his own behaviour. Let he who is without sin and all,that.
I think it's more helpful to know the wider context rather than one incident, particularly given the vagueness about relationships.

What's the situation with your son? Is your DP his father? How long has your DS been acting this way?

Not the end of the world.
Get your ds some help, his behaviours sounds challenging and it is no surprise your dp snapped.

Yep completely agree with this….x

Do you have a violent child?

I could not pick up my 6 yr old in a rage, it was too dangerous for him and me or my husband. We spent a few years black and blue.
We were belittled and mocked by certain teachers and experts because of this, which was helpful 🙄, but there we are.

The trick is to work out why the rages are happening and try to divert the child at a point before the rages is inevitable.

Your 6 year old's behaviour sounds unusual and completely inappropriate for his age - does he have a diagnosis? Are you getting help and support?

It is never ok to lash out physically, to anyone let alone a child. But it has happened, DP isn't suggesting it was a great thing to do either.

It sounds like you all need a lot more help and support.

Well it's definitely a line crossed, but he's not a monster. Your child's behavior sounds very challenging and not at all typical, are you getting support for that? That would be my focus, not reporting a minor hit when your partner was obviously pushed past the limit. Do you cope better with the bad behavior? It might be that he needs to be able to leave in situations like this when he's not well and can't cope, but you really need a solid plan in place to manage it because it will only be more difficult if it's not stopped as he gets older.

Already replied but just another point to add... presuming Dp is DSs dad, there is a chance whatever MH issues DP has are present in DS too.

Bit of an overreaction from you OP. He peed on the floor on purpose!? I dont blame your DP for getting pushed over the limit

Do I condone hitting a child- no!
Can I see how he snapped- yes!
your sons behaviour is not normal for 6yr old_ is there something undisclosed, because this isn’t challenging this sounds like a problem he can’t control

I'm not surprised at your DPs behaviour. Your DS is getting away with murder. You need to get some professional help and support ASAP.