dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

I don't blame your dp. Parents are human too. Your son was testing where the limit was.

This sounds so awful for you all, but at the end of the day, DS is 6. You both need to feel empowered to remove him from your presence when he is pushing you to the limit. Physically pick that child up and put him away from you in his room/your room/any designated room so that there is a physical barrier to prevent harm occuring to any party while you catch your breath. I think tonight is a sign that something absolutely has to change.

If snapping means you hit, then you need to walk away. What if he had snapped and hit OP?

The child obviously needs help, parenting, boundaries, external help….his parents need to get that sorted….but it’s not a reason to hit.

Have to say , I'm in agreement

Your Son is completely out of control.
Maybe he has learnt something.
I feel sorry for your DP.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for children to know parents have limits…to know everyone has limits. I hate the phrase FAFO but that is literally what happened here.
In future your DP needs to leave the house as soon as feels his temper / agitation rising but be very clear with your boy that your DP’s reaction was a normal human one and if he behaves in such an appalling way again he cannot be sure how anyone will react.

We did take note, we followed their advice, it escalated the behaviour and put us all at risk.

Those advising tended to do the same things posters here are doing - dreadful behaviour, what are the consequences, remove him, discipline him, without understanding that for some children this does nothing but makes things worse.

Ds was average height and weight, I am 5’5” and strong, I could not safely restrain and carry him anywhere are he would be flailing around, kicking, lashing out, biting, spitting etc. Well done to you that you clearly managed better than I did (and many other parents of violent children who are judged rather than helped), here have this medal 🥇

I’m a child of the 80s and would have got a smack for far less than your son was doing. Your DP was pushed to his limit and reacted poorly, however your son’s behaviour was atrocious and you should have given the baby to your DP and attended to your son who is clearly desperate for your attention.

I don't condone smacking as discipline but your DP deserves an apology and needs to stop blaming himself.
Your son sounds like a little piece of work OP. Why is he so badly behaved? Has he been parented at all?

Honestly? It’s better that’s he’s smacked once and behaves himself VS thinking he can terrorise adults and they will do fuck all to stop him. I really doubt the message he’s learnt is to hit.

What are you doing about your DSs behaviour?

Majority of these comments are passing the vibe check. Im so glad this isnt a thread full of clucking hens all posting the numbers of domestic violence centres!

100% I would have smacked DS too. I've smacked maybe 3 times in 12 years - but this would be one of those times. Urinating on the floor and laughing - thats exorcist shit.

Put on a united front infront of your DS. Talk together about what you will do differently next time. Your DS needs propper boundaries and consequences for his actions. He should not have been allowed to follow him around being antagonistic for an hour.

What nonsense!

Where do you think he learned to piss on the carpet, follow his dad around tanting him and being violent.

He didn't learn that at home did he?

No, what he has learned at home is that if someone tries to discipline him, his mum will scream and his dad will cry and they will both shake and probably apologise to him! Absorbing this lesson, he rules the roost...at 6!

So, maybe a lesson such as he has had will get through to him because nothing else has.

A change of tack such as parents showing him that he cannot behave in this outrageous way might be the most valuable less they can give-for his sake, the sake of the baby and their own. They may never need to give it again.

Well i disagree. He hit the child once after a lot of provocation. He is remorseful. Your partner needs help and your sons behaviour needs to change. Seek help for your family. Noone of you are monsters. Only human.

I have an autistic child so am no stranger to challenging behaviour, but when the six year old "squares up" to an adult, how is this managed? What about when he swears, hits and purposely urinates? The last thing OP needs to be shaking about is the boy being smacked by his father
Not ideal by any means, but this child sounds like he needs intervention for his own sake. Why did his challenging behaviour go on for one hour and both parents are sitting there telling him to go upstairs?

I wouldn’t be defending him or minimising this. There’s never an excuse. He’d be leaving the house and not returning until he’s sorted himself out.

Disagree son was told multiple times and continued to follow dp and misbehave. On this occasion he needed a short sharp shock!

There are a lot of threads about violent, raging, children on mumsnet OP and 6 is a common age. There is another thread at the moment. There is lots of advice and suggestions on these threads which you might find helpful.

My sympathies go out to all of you. How very difficult this is.

You need help with your DS and frankly if he’s that difficult why hasn’t something been done before.
You are not a bad mother but it sounds like you are hands off as a mum and as a wife. You could have told your DP leave the room and have some peace.
He knows he shouldn’t have done it but he’s not a monster either. At 6 though your son shouldn’t be this much out of control.

Everyone suggesting getting professional help but it is SO hard to get any. From experience, it’s taken multiple assessments (time and financially costly) long winded meetings with multiple agencies and approximately 2.5 years and a child suicide attempt to get the most rudimentary support for ND difficult behaviour DC. It is not something they give out easily, and it’s not exactly life changing assistance anyway.
There is no professional NHS/SS help coming your way easily or for a while. What they offer is very basic and difficult to obtain.

I actually said that on a earlier post. The family needs help.

It doesn't sound like he has been violent or abusive. He was pushed to the post. He wasn't being violent to the op and he has never done it before. Not like he beat him black and blue. It was a slap on the arm which shocked the son out of his behaviour.

It's easy for you to judge but you weren't there. He is suffering with mental health problems and his son acting like that would have probably sent me over the edge too.

I dont think you necessarily need to hit someone either. But her son's behaviour was beyond the pail. It's extreme circumstances.

People do really underestimate the strength of small children in a rage/meltdown. My DS is autistic, he is only 4 and an average sized 4 year old. There is no way I could safely get him up the stairs during a meltdown. Even at 2 it was struggle to move him.

You DS clearly has some needs that need to be addressed. You need to talk to the GP or SENCo about his behaviour. None of the behaviours you've described is age appropriate.

Your P lost his shit. It's unacceptable but he seems remorseful. What is he going to do to repair the situation and make sure it doesn't happen again? I think he needs ti apologise unreservedly without making excuses or giving reasons. It's okay to be angry but it's never okay to hit someone. He should also arrange a parenting course in parenting kids with SEN. He would benifit from therapy if his MH is suffering. When looking after kids with additional needs self care ofen goes out the window but if he isn't looking after himself he won't be anyhood for anyone..

I’m 5 foot 1 and my 5 year old ds is up to my shoulder. I could still physically restrain him and carry him. You need to take control here

I think there's a few things here op. Firstly, your ds's behaviour needs to be addressed. The way you write sounds like dp isn't ds dad. Is his dad in his life? Is he abusive/stirring the pot? Has ds been assessed for nd? How is he managing in school? Are other support services involved? You have other kids in the house, are they safe around your ds and is his behaviour only targeted towards your dp or does he lash out at everyone in this way?

I think you need to agree strategies with dp for when you're overwhelmed to ensure this doesn't happen again. Your ds wouldn't back off, your dp should have left the house and gone for a walk/ drive to clear his head before coming back and dealing with it. I think you need to agree a phrase you can use where you are quietly letting the other know you need to temporarily tap out before you lose your shit so the other knows to take over.

I would be contacting social services and explaining that you can no longer cope and his behaviour is becoming unsustainable. They'll be able to support you and its much better this comes from you both asking for help, than from a 3rd party because ds disclosed being hit.