dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

What on earth is going on with DS? This is the real issue here.

I cannot imagine a situation in which my 6 year old would scream at my DP and jump all over him, pee on the floor, taunt him, etc. For an hour.

I'm afraid I would have picked him up, taken him upstairs and sat him down and had a talk with him. Calmed him down. And then he would have stayed in his room.

This needed to be nipped in the bud way earlier. If you were with the baby, baby needed to go to DP and DS come with you.

You really must seek help over DS's behaviour. It is totally unacceptable so you need to learn how to stop it.

DP: too fragile, and sounds like he isn't DS's dad. Scared to be firm, then was finally so pushed he smacked. This isn't a good chain of events. He can't ever smack again.

I would be having that convo with DP. And having a chat about how to move forwards with DS. I would be seeking help/strategies. I'd start with the GP. I wouldn't mention the smack. I'd just describe the difficult behaviours of DS and ask for help in how to manage. It's not allowable. He's only 6, so if you really get strong now with strategies then you should be able to improve it.

You need to look at everything. Nutrition. Tiredness/stimulation/food/drink/sleep balance. Behaviour at school. Triggers. Patterns. Neurodivergence. All of it.

You need to take the lead here OP, as mother.

Agree I’d be more worried about DS behaviour than DP snapping. You need help with this urgently. It’s not normal unless he has some kind of SEND.

Op says “Ds followed him room to room shouting”. It sounds relentless.

I agree that OP should have handed the baby to her DP and taken a very firm charge of the situation, way before this happened.

The 6 year old DS sounds like he needs some serious help - this behaviour can’t go on.

Aww sending love to you all OP. That sounds so bloody difficult for everyone involved. I’m totally aligned with pp - I don’t think it’s black and white and I don’t think it sounds like a deal breaker issue. It sounds horrendous and sad for everybody and I hope you and DP can be a bit kind to yourselves

I agree this child isn't being parented

So your man has mental health issues. And for some reason your 6yr old exhibits appalling behaviour that from what you've written was enough to push your partner over the edge tonight. Said partner immediately regretted it. And is now suggesting he should leave.

You've suggested that your partner has never been aggressive with him (or anyone else) before.
Exactly how often does your son act out like this? Because given what you described I'm not surprised your partner lost it. But he should have removed himself from the situation, maybe left the house to cool down. That's easier said than done sometimes.

You stated your son has challenging behaviour. I think that's the issue that needs addressing. You can't expect someone with diagnosed anxiety and depression to cope in that kind of maelstrom. I'm sorry. But that's the reality you're dealing with here.

You should have stepped in and dealt with your son. Sent your partner to another part of the house with the baby to get him away from the noise etc.

Agreed.

I can't imagine sitting watching this go on. Give bloke the baby and deal with your kid.

No he shouldn't have slapped him. You obviously need some new strategies to deal with his behaviour but it's not the end of the world.

Ok OP breath. Obviously this isn’t great and it sounds like a horrible event all round but if this is a genuine once off and your DP has never shown any aggression before then I wouldn’t make a massive deal out of this. Give you DH a hug tell him what he done wasn’t ok but he’s not a monster and he and you needs to consider strategies to prevent it ever happening again. Give you DS a hug, tell him his dad is very sorry (if dad isn’t up to talking to him yet) but DS needs to understand the part he played in this and that people sometimes react in the wrong way when they are pushed beyond their limit.

when I was about 15 I was brought home drunk by the police. My mum was in hospital having an operation and my dad was furious, told me to go to my room etc. I didn’t, I was acting like a drunk idiot shouting at him and just being a dick, he snapped and said get away from me before I take me hand off your jaw, I squared up to him and he did actually tap me across the face. My dad is the kindest most gentle loving father then and now. He has NEVER been aggressive towards me or to my knowledge anyone before this or since, he snapped in the moment and tbh I don’t hold it against him at all. As an adult I can say tbh I probably deserved it! Your DH hasn’t acted well here but he’s a human and he’s clearly struggling.

I wonder if your son is weirdly calm because he was pushing for a reaction and got one so then he was happy.

I agree with others that you need to look into what is causing this behaviour in your son.

Is it new? Did it start when the baby came for example? Or has he always been like this? Has it started since your DH started to get ill and perhaps withdrew?

You need urgent help for your DS behaviour. Does he have medical needs as none of that behaviour is ok for 6 year old. Sounds like total lack of boundaries (I’ll take this back if your DS is on the spectrum etc).

re: DP ok not ideal but pushed to limit out of character, repentant, getting help. I feel sorry for him. Although I didn’t smack my kids it sounds like the behaviour warranted it.

He did walk away, multiple times. The kid pissed on the floor in front of him. He was being deliberately antagonistic, and knew full well he was being so as he was told this repeatedly.

No, you are wrong. If you say this I don’t think you can have seen a 6 year old boy in a melt down rage. A man could grab them and hold them so tightly they can’t move but it all risks escalating into further violence. His mother could try the same and probably be punched, bitten or kicked.

Children behave this way sometimes out of unexpressed stress, trauma and anger, and some may possibly be autistic and responding to stress and trauma.

I think the behaviour of your child is very disturbing. The fact he went to bed quietly after your partner hit him and broke down says a lot. Your child is pushing you to the limit and knows it. Maybe it's the fact he just got a new sibling, maybe he doesn't like your partner? Whatever the reason, his behaviour is absolutely not o.k. and I think you should look for counseling. I agree your partner shouldn't have hit him, we don't hit children, your partner should be able to control himself. You say he has fragile mental health, in these circumstances I would like to give him some time to heal himself. It would be good if your child could be convinced to "not shout, swear, throw things, or be getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off" as you mention. It would take a saint to nót react to that behaviour. And no, I don't condone the hitting, but I do understand where it came from.

How often is your dp alone with your son?

How long has your sons behaviour been like this?

How long have you and dp been together?

Being laid down crying saying he's a monster after hitting your 6 yo may be a reasonable reaction, or it could well be a manipulator at work. It's very hard to say which with the information you've given here.

Regardless, your family clearly needs some help,my first port of call tomorrow would be the school, tell them exactly what happened, and they will hopefully make a referral to SS, which will hopefully help you access some help, the school will also be on board with supporting your son as well. Nobody can help you if they don't know what's going on though.

Yep! Also this child is dealing with a new sibling and a mentally ill and checked out dad.

deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”.

That’s not normal for a 6 yr old.

WTF is going on here?

It sounds like neither you or your partner have any parental control of your DS- I mean that kindly, his behaviour sounds at the extreme end of attention needing, coupled with a lack of boundaries, presence or authority from either of you. This needs to be your absolute wake up call. Your sons behaviour and the subsequent reaction from your DP is stemming from your home environment.
All behaviour from a child is a form of communication- I wonder what he is trying to say? He is not having a good time and you owe it to him to make changes.
Contact Early help or school and be honest about the parenting support you need.

Have you come across pda? Your son sounds like he may have it? Sounds a lot like our guy. The escalation and volume and intensity can really be overwhelming at times. DP is clearly devastated. Every single one of us does things we aren’t proud of when overstimulated, especially when really being got at by a kiddo. It’s hard for others to understand how intense kids of this kind can be. We have all had our moments. Forgive yourselves and move on.

This is demand avoidant autism in meltdown. OP do not allow yourself to get diminished by the bs that comes from parents with regular kid going on about lack of boundaries and your crappy parenting etc. it’s a trope @SarcasticMrsKnowItAll is an apt title. You’re extremely lucky to have kids who don’t struggle with norms. It’s horrendous when you have a child who does and all the normal tools and rules done work.

This.

Your son’s behaviour sounds really difficult and out of control. He needs help, not dramatics from either of you. You both need help not self-recrimination. If your husband is not habitually violent, this was a one-off moment when your son’s behaviour pushed him beyond bearing.

An hour of what you describe is really disturbing. I hope you get to the bottom of that behaviour.

I agree with PP.. you need to get your son a lot of help. He is only 6 but can square up to an adult man, unafraid? What will he be like at 16? You may not be safe then. He needs an intervention now.

What help?
Beyond the basic discipline advice, parenting classes (which very often do not take into account PDA) and well meaning friends/family pulling your parenting apart there’s very little.

There always an assumption that extreme behaviour like this is lack of discipline or gentle parenting, and this seems to be what parents have to battle through, sometimes for years. IME most children this challenging have undiagnosed SN, with the violence and other behaviours he is showing I would look into PDA and the strategies to help. Even if he doesn’t have PDA the strategies could be very helpful.

I also recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, and YouTube videos by Bo Elven.

I really sympathise OP, it’s really tough having a challenging child 💐. Mine is an adult now, still a challenge but hasn’t been violent for a decade.

I don’t think you have got a clue what it is like to be attacked by a -in my case neurodiverse- child.
It’s not an excuse and they don’t just ‘thrash about’ and ‘might….kick on the shin’.
Kids scratch, bite, rip out hair, kick, punch - and because it’s your child you dont retaliate like you would if you were being attacked by a non related person.
If only l had thought to carry my child up the stairs while restraining them. It’s clearly as simple as that. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️
You have no idea and your comment is patronising and misjudged.

e"ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off."

He's six. Where does this behaviour come from?

"ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed."
Which suggests he had achieved what he wanted to achieve. Why would he want to achieve DP reaching his limit?

I also asked earlier if there are undiagnosed issues here.

This is not normal behaviour for a 6 yr old.