dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

This is such an overreaction, he deserved a slap and got it. It shocked him into behaving for once, hardly the end of the world.
I can tell by the way you are both overreacting to this, that this boy is a product of you allowing him to behave like this rather than some ND. You're acting like dad smacked him on the face or bruised him.... he'll be fine. It was a one off and frankly your husband sounds broken and you sound like you're making excuses but in the wrong direction.
Put the baby down and throw 6yr old in a room and lock the door if needs be.

I do gentle parenting but even I have limits and recognise when behaviour has gone way too far and this is insane.

All this “gentle parenting” bs is to blame.

Like, your son is deliberately pissing on the floor and mocking you both about it?? If you don’t see that as the issue that needs addressing instead of “shaking” because your partner clipped your misbehaving child after an hour of taking his shit, you’re probably part of the problem.

Totally agree with this!

Although they havent been gentle parenting they just havent been parenting at all

Totally agree with this!

Although they havent been gentle parenting they just havent been parenting at all

My child pissing on the floor and laughing at me is never acceptable. Smacking (in England) is perfectly OK.

Your son was behaving like a brat and I’d have also smacked him! You need to reward good behaviour and tell him off for bad behaviour including punishments when necessary. I think a parenting course would be very helpful for you and your DH.

Consistency is key, as is positive praise.

He might laugh at being sent to the hall to sit down; but if he comes back and acts up - you continue to put him back there. Don't just think "oh hes laughing so its not working" you need to keep showing him this is what happens. He sits there until he apologises and can come back calm with acceptable behaviour.

When hes sat in the hall, sulking or pretending he doesn't care - do some loud hoovering; sing whilst you clean something up. Anything to show you're not bothered and his crys for attention via bad behaviour are not being heard.

I've said it before, I'll say it again WATCH SUPERNANNY! 😂

I hate the word ‘parenting’.

What sort of ‘parenting course’ do you mean? Please link some examples so we can read what they say about how they can help.

There are different problems with different children, some with complex responses and needs. What courses do parents of such children need?

Calling this child a brat is meaningless in the end.

Anything to show you're not bothered and his crys for attention via bad behaviour are not being heard.
I've said it before, I'll say it again WATCH SUPERNANNY

The problem is though that if he has high anxiety/ PDA/autism - or just a need for routines, reassurance and one to one full attention and love now the baby is here or because of some big stress - this will probably not work and things might get worse.

School will not know always know what he is like at home. Sometimes children can hold it in at school but burst at home.

So what have you done about getting to the bottom of his poor behaviour, OP?

You say the school doesn’t believe he has additional needs - have you sought help or advice from your GP? Have you spoke to your LA’s children’s services team for a needs assessment? Have you insisted on a sit-down meeting with the SENCO at the school?