dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

[justsooverwhelmed89]

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

You need external help to deal with your child’s behaviour and get to the root cause of it. Does he have additional needs?

dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything.

I don’t believe this to be the case. If he was, he would have walked away and not hit your son. Children can be challenging but it is never acceptable to hit them and only teaches that behaviour anyway.

My son has challenging behaviours BUT there would be no 'was at do for an hour, hitting swearing... While your dp seems to have done nothing but TRLL HIM to stop. Go away etc. that's not parenting. Where were you for this hour?

When my son was 4/5 we'd have to go take him to a separate room from the baby to keep everyone safe if he was worked up. He'd be taken to the other room with sensory calming items, settled, given a consequence (something like no screen time for however long) then return to apologize and if not anymore settled we'd repeat. All done very calmly.

And who are you to say it's wrong? And wont work. I think gentle parenting, or in my view of seeing this, no parenting or setting boundaries, is far more harmful for children. They literally have no idea what is expected. In this case the child clearly has issues and DP was provoked. Early help is a great call. But clearly this family have been through a lot in the last 6 years: child, new relationship, new baby. All a bit fast.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant exactly this.

Team DP!

We are a nation of snowflakes. My mum would have slapped me too if I did that, and she did! No grudges held, barriers crossed. Just a parent disciplining a child

Your home sounds like hell. Sorry. I am not surprised that your dp snapped. You need to get parenting under control.

Similar has happened in my family before, my husband was off work, horrible things had happened in his life, he had taken his employer to tribunal, his mum got cancer, everything was going wrong, our son was screaming, raging, biting, following him around, throwing things, trying to hit him, I tried to drag him off and got bit for my troubles, husband smacked child hard on the bum. Child was very shocked, burst into tears but wasn't injured. They had a talk the next day and it hasn't happened since. My husband felt that terribly he went to therapy were even she said no you're not a child abuser.

Sometimes things just happen that some people will entirely blow out of proportion. Your husband is not a terrible person, he is exhausted and was at the end of his tether.

@justsooverwhelmed89 I'm so sorry for you all. You are not a horrible mother and your dp is not necessarily a horrible father. And your son is not a monster either. You ALL need help. Is DS with Cahms? Is he in therapy/group to help him with his behaviour? Are you getting help to manage him? If not this should be number one of your priorities along with getting DP help for his mh problems. Please reassure him and tell him that even good people can do bad things when pushed to the edge.

One of my sons is exactly like yours- he's 15 now ASD with ocd and what the psychiatrists qualify as complex case. My DH (his das) has always had a hard time to contain himself when dealing with him to the point that I had to threw myself btw them in order for him not to hit our son (some years ago after being spit at and provoked non stop). So I get it.
Early on we made a rule (well, I did). If DH gets overwhelmed he calls me and isolates. I'm patient and I can deal with ds without getting worked up (former social worker).

Can you try that as well- atleast for the time being with your dp having mh problems- he's not suited to deal with your son right now. You both need support. Contact cahms or go private if you can afford it. You can apply for DLA for your son if that would help.

It can get better. You need to support each other as parents- be kind, understanding and don't judge each other. Just tell your partner to temporarily take a step to the side for his sake, your son's sake and your sake. You better deal with a hard situation on your own than dealing with the aftermath of a hard situation having escalated.💐

I do not blame your partner. He even true tow all away and the child was following him. Most of us, if not all, are anti-smacking but fgs you need to have soem perspective.

Shaken, screaming and panicked because a very badly behaved child was smacked on the arm once? Knowing the list of things that the child did? I mean seriously, you know he was at the absolute end of his tether.

Police and social services are unlikely to be interested. I’ve seen them work their way out of actual abusive discipline with concrete evidence. What would it even achieve? If you’re unhappy with it, don't live together or split.

If he isn’t the father, then I would be even more concerned that this man won’t be able to cope with these behaviours, as others said. But your focus should be on getting your son help/diagnosed etc.

Son has learnt shitty behaviour has consequences, no wonder DP snapped.

i rather agree with this.

Exactly, you have consequences, even fine done in a calm way.

The op hasn't mentioned anything of the sort have they? It worries me. They all need help and pronto.

Your boy is badly behaved, and your husband had had enough (can't blame him). It's nothing major. Is your boy jealous of the baby?

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. While i don't agree with hitting, it was one slap and at the age of 6 he shouldn't be behaving like that. Everyone has a limit. It's not a bad thing for children to ocasionally see us angry or fed up or sad or whatever they are causing to feel. You need to get at the root cause of DS' behaviour.

I'm assuming dp is not your ds' dad?

It sounds like a tough situation.

I love my kids but they are challenging, I don't think I would ever expect anyone else to parent them,

Sorry that's not very helpful but it's how I feel.

If he is his dad... it's different.

I agree.

Maybe now your DS has learned that there is a consequence to badgering someone for an extended period who has repeatedly asked them not to. Your DP attempted multiple times to remove himself from the situation but DS doggedly followed and continued. His sibling would hit him for the same reason if they were old enough.

Your DP is remorseful and will no doubt reflect. I'd encourage you both to talk it through when you're a little calmer. Not in a blaming way, but a what can we do going forward to prevent this happening again.

Admittedly I'm from the smacked generation so a smack isn't the end of the world for me. That said, my parents only employed smacking sparingly and it wasn't a flogging like others received. Given the change in your DS behaviour after the smack, you can see why parents have used it in past generations.

You say after this incident, your son "weirdly calmed down".

I don't think there is anything weird about it. He was out of control, "squaring up" and, as there were no consequences, he became even more out of control, thinking-rightly-that he could just escalate and no-one could stop him.

The smack-not a thump, not a sustained smacking-one smack made him calm down.

Do you wonder what he would have done next if he hadn't got that smack-maybe caused real damage, maybe damaged your baby?

And as for you screaming, your husband crying and you shaking...well, you both need to get a grip-no wonder your boy pulls his boots on and walks over you both.

The boy knows he has crossed a line but if he sees you both screaming, crying and shaking you may rest assured that he will know he is king of the castle and can do just as he likes.

Get some help with his behaviour.

I think that's really unfair. It sounds like he was pushed to the hilt. He immediately realised he was wrong. People do snap not saying it's right but people do under extreme stress.

Sometimes I do think a smack is what’s needed to sort some behaviour out. He weirdly sorted his behaviour out real quick. He sounds really badly behaved and I think in this one instance i don’t blame your dp

I can understand how this would happen. My DS is 3.5 and we're in the process of getting his diagnosed with autism - his meltdowns are off the charts and they go on for ages so I can relate. I also have a baby so know how hard it is to divide your attention!

It sounds like DP is very remorseful and you have also taken the situation seriously. Perhaps you and DP need to think about coping strategies to make sure this doesn't happen again. Ie help and professional support as it seems as though DS is struggling with something, and a short term strategy for both of you to cope.

Re short term, do you have any family that could help with childcare for the upcoming week/weekend? Sometimes when things are at boiling point, the extra help is useful to give you time to think and reset.

Also when our son has a meltdowns, we do 10 minute shifts of dealing with him so that we have some time to regulate our own emotions and go back to him. If we hear that the other parent is spiralling, we will either offer to switch or prompt each other by saying 'regulate' as a way to remind ourselves to keep calm.

I hope you and DP find the support that you need because you both sound like caring people at your wits end. I hope you remember to be kind to yourselves because it's a tough situation that anyone would struggle with.

With all due respect, your kid got a smack, like many kids do when they’re being shitty. Despite it being controversial it’s not as shocking as you’re making it out to be. Maybe your DS will learn something from it too.

He’s been taught to hit. That’ll go well.

What is DS like at school? Is it the same or is it a home thing? Sounds like he’s craving attention and then when he got it (even negative behaviour) he calmed down.

dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting

The Ds would likely have followed him anyway .