No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

There's an article in the Dailymail today about "doormat mums and entitled children". Worth a read and probably the comments too!

Yes I agree with you. We do what we can to help our children and their spouses as they have very busy working lives. The thing is, nothing is expected of us and we are treated well. From last September all our grandchildren are at school but there are still holidays and after school.
I think OP you should just bide your time and maybe cut back a bit ( no more golf days). I agree 3 is really a handful. Both our children have 2 of their own so we just don’t do this generally even though there are 2 of us and my husband does his share. My oldest grandchild, at 9, already asks to use her parents phone to FaceTime us, so soon you will have a relationship just with your grandchildren.

You sounds like a really lovely woman. I hope you get to spend your inheritance on enjoying YOUR life, your daughter and grandchildren are lucky to have you, and your grandchildren will have so many happy memories of their lovely grandparents that modelled kind behaviour. They are not stupid, they probably already understand they have volatile parents and will know the reason, in time, why the childminding wound down. I really wish you the best x

This does seem a strange arrangement.
Are the cupboards/fridge stocked with food?
Have they asked you to help yourself or specified you need to bring your own food when providing childcare?

OP, I am so sorry for you but this is your child and she does have form.
It is very hard to admit that your child is not of the character that you would wish, despite your best efforts.
It is awful when parents are used by their children, but it is often the case that those that do it, were always of that type.

A lovely friend of mine had a son that moved 90 minutes away to a university and met a young women very quickly.
He wasn't a bad lad growing up, but he was perhaps a bit spoiled and self absorbed.

Despite this, my friend would never have thought he would largely abandon his family with barely an annual flying visit and hurt his family so much.

Her family became absolutely everything, including Christmas, from that very first year.

They mentioned being hurt that first year but he pushed back hard that he was just living his life and enjoying it, and they shouldn't try to guilt him.

A full 14 years later they both get permanent university academic positions in his home city and quickly buy a house in the general area that he grew up in.

They pop in one day to tell his parents they are expecting twins and how exciting it will be for her to be involved!

It quickly becomes clear that they think she will be their help/childcare during maternity and when they return to work.

She was met with shock and disbelief when she very gently, but firmly, told them that under NO circumstances should they include her in any of their childcare plans.
That her childcare days were long behind her.

This was two years ago and she has kept to her word. They have had a challenging two years, as twins would be.
Her parents came and stayed with them initially to help as it was a huge shock, but made it clear that their retirement plans were very important to them and they would need to crack on, like they had done.

Whilst she drops in to see them every couple of weeks, she has no wish to become involved as she can see she would be very quickly imposed upon, and that is not happening.
His two sisters with children that he barely met have kept mostly to themselves too.

My friend is very boundaried. She says whilst she loves him dearly, after years of barely seeing him, she will now not be used for free childcare for the next decade.

On one occasion he did try to say that he was very disappointed that they were all so busy with their lives and so unavailable to support them, but his mother just said that they too were just living their very busy lives rearing their children and working.

Privately she said his sisters had no intention of investing heavily in a relationship that he so casually threw aside years earlier.

He really did think they would all be available to be picked up again when it suited him.

Normally I'd say have an honest talk with them, but since they are using contact with GC to keep you in line, I think this is the way to go in your case.
You've said your key priority is your grandchildren... so a full on confrontation with entitled unreasonable people won't get you anywhere. But bear in mind, they've burnt their bridges with his parents... so they are probably less keen to do that with you too.

Depending on whether you think overall this is just sheer thoughtlessness (which you can work on) or active scroogeness -
Ease off gradually, but in a determined way to reduce the things you don't like about this situation.
Even though its a cheek, I'd forget the food battle and bring your own, keeping an eye on what the kids are being fed. The key thing is to gradually reduce DD and SIL's "reliance" on you. Once you are doing this you will feel more in control and less taken advantage of.
Alternatively... "I won't have time to shop for our lunch before coming to your's could you provide... or I will have to turn up later than you wished." in the sweetest way.. or similar demands...or text... what will the children be having for lunch (so that they actually have to think about it) Text back nicely...no shade..afterwards if there was nothing there and ask them to have it ready for next time. or if you are asked to do their shopping at the same time.. "Silly me. I forgot my card, so I could only get a few bits.... I must try to remember it next time."

Have a calendar and fill it... Keep chat about your routines to a minimum, invent new hobbies / appointmentments, go on holiday and gradually reduce availability but keep say a day a week or a day a fortnight. Pick in advance when its convenient to YOU or not to you. You can always then say... I will check my diary and get back to you. Do this by text... it's much easier than face to face. "Can you always text... so I can keep track of dates"

Ignore demands that you don't think are appropriate.. You need to de-cultivate your air of absolute reliability. and that means letting things slide a bit, it will encourage them to do more for themselves. I do think that people don't always respect what they don't pay for. I completely understand that this situation has built up gradually and they've taken a bit of advantage of your generosity... set your limits in your own mind. What do you think is reasonable... and work towards that.

Set a strict budget for presents. Eg... I've decided I'm only going to spend £X per head on presents from now on. I think we should all stick to that.

Don't give them financial information but say vaguely that you have to watch the pennies. And don't ask.. do. Put the money you save into accounts for the Grand kids... who will need it if they have selfish parents.

As the kids get older you can host them at your own house or have them for days out. For example. If they want a golf weekend, could you take the GC away for a nice weekend yourselves.. that way you get to decide how you all spend time together. That way you are not always sitting around at their house... clocking in and clocking out.

Keep an eye on her DH behaviour. He sounds coercive.

You sound like great grandparents and should be appreciated. I'm sure your GCs will. Think of it as a new opportunity to carve a good relationship with GC... but more on your own terms and despite their parent's lack of appreciation.

I find this a bit mean spirited of the mother. We all have that period in life where we just want to enjoy ourselves and be free of commitment. It can only really be that age of 18- when you have your first child.

There's something I dont like about the mum being all "he threw us aside" - it has a hint of smothering, emotional blackmail, and then being rather vengeful when they say triumphantly they're not going to help. Might be the way the poster writes it.

Just get on with your life if your young adult kids don't have time to come and visit. Then if your child comes back at a season of their life when they turn their attention back to family, and wants help with their children, that's a second chance to build a good relationship. You don't have to be a doormat but you also shouldn't demand lots of attention from your children, you have to be the ones to show grace.

They are being really mean. I know to look after your grandchildren brings you joy but you are also helping them out. Not saying they have to lay on a banquet but whenever my parents came over we made sure they had food with the kids, even if it was a last min thing we rustled something up. It’s a bit awkward to comment on it though, probably not worth saying anything to be honest.

No it’s not ! If you are babysitting grandparents or not then food should be left . I chat grasp this at all and it’s plain rude

If they are going out alot and playing golf it doesn't sound like they are strapped for cash. You are saving them thousands per year in babysitting and childminding. A fully paid meal with drinks at a swanky restaurant might be nice. They are taking the piss. And yes, food when minding kids is always part of the deal imo. I always provide a meal for babysitters. They sound like bullies if they will withdraw if you don't tow the line. That is a very typical narcissistic response.

You’re being used. But you know it now. Step right back and don’t be blackmailed. You hold all the cards.

Im in a similar position. I totally sympathise.

This particular woman is a very nice and hugely regarded retired nurse.
I think if it was a crazy few years, I have no doubt it would have likely have been a case that he is off living his life.
He was and is a much loved son, with two older sisters.
A very normal family.
I think it is undoubtedly the length of time.
He fell madly in love at nearly 19 in his first months of university with a girl who lived locally and her family welcomed him in.
She was an only child, their choice, and he clearly became a hugely favourite addition to the family.
His whole life became hers and he simply was too busy with her family and her large circle of friends.
Within two years he had moved into her family home.
He would visit briefly and it was clear that he cared for his family during these visits, but he was always rushing back to her family and friends.

He got married in her city, unsurprisingly, and whilst it was a lovely day, they were very much the visiting family.

Anyway, that home has now been sold and replaced with an apartment as they fund their long planned travels.

Despite what you think, I definitely can understand that their return, pregnancy, and sudden expectations from his mum, that she would now be available weekly for childcare, stung.

Regular childcare is a huge commitment and imposition on a retired woman, (its NEVER men,) and certainly not something you presume is on offer when you have to all intents and purposes have lived away for 14 years, and have returned barely 6 months.

I lived abroad for a decade and it certainly would
never have occurred to me and I returned for weekends a couple of times a year.

She remarked that he probably has barely spent a month with them since he left home 14 years ago.

Anyway, I for one do not blame her at all for taking a very measured view to their return coinciding with them starting a family and expecting her commitment of time.

Her parents are nice people I believe, but definitely not the type that are hugely interested in grandchildren.
They had one child by choice and both worked in busy full-time careers until their well earned retirement.

My friend has family in Australia and the US and regularly visits both for extended visits, so two years on they are well used to her absence.

When my parents babysit and they have to stay with us because they live far away, I will batch cook and there will be enough form them to eat also. When my in laws babysit, I will normally prepare food for the kids but not for them - however - I very regularly make meals for them (Sunday roasts, etc) - and they always say they've already eaten before they get to us. If I was going away for a weekend - they'd have the kids and feed them at their place though... I wouldn't be making or providing meals for that. I also wouldn't be paying for it either - because I just think it's part of the agreement. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren - you have to want to look after them and the cost of their meals is part of the price. If you don't want to spend 50p on extra pasta for them then really ill find someone else to watch them, and I'll pay them.

I find this a bit mean spirited of the mother. We all have that period in life where we just want to enjoy ourselves and be free of commitment. It can only really be that age of 18- when you have your first child

It was 14 years of minimal contact by the DS! The distancing by his sisters tells you all you need to know about how much he regarded his family.

My word! Please come here and you will have the best meals, wines and snacks to show a tiny bit of our appreciation for you. We wouldn't expect it but be so grateful and take you out for meals to really show our thanks.

We would also get our DC to make cards to say thank you, they would want to anyway.

Please don't accept anything less! Xxx

@Rustynailsit

I’ve only got this far, but this post is concerning. She sounds like she’s in an abusive, controlling, relationship. Would that explain the lack of food? Financial control, etc? They sound like dicks though! Sorry, OP.

What awful and ungrateful children you have. If my daughter treated me like that I’d not be her free childminder anymore.

This is excellent advice.

My sister is vegetarian and l wouldn’t dream of her babysitting without a veggie meal provided. We also cook food for the kids so she just has to heat their food up in the microwave. They are taking the p*ss, Be less available.