No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

That’s awful OP. I’d just stop with the babysitting tbh and travel and your own plans are a good reason to step away

What was your DD like before being with this partner?

Stop babysitting for these cheeky fuckers.

This is so sad. You sound like lovely caring grandparents.

I agree that you should pull back and be less available. Have "appointments". Looking after your health is important. It could be a New Year's resolution. Look at exercise classes aimed at retirees. And plan trips away.

I would also consider reviewing your Wills and looking at either passing over your DD and leaving money to the DGCs or at a trust type situation for your DD. One day she might wake up and be ready to escape. It would be good for her to have the financial means to do so.

It's not normal.

Food (and wine) should be included

Pretty rude. I can’t imagine not providing food for my parents if babysitting at my house. They are very cheeky. Crack on with your travel plans.

That's not right at all,OP. When I babysit for DD and DSIL they cook an evening meal which I sit down and have with them and DGC before they get ready to go out for the evening .They always leave me a bottle of something nice and instructions to dig into the fridge/snack cupboard whenever I want.They pick me up and take me back home too.

Start now to restructure your lives.Retirement has brought a golden opportunity to change things.Embrace it.

Well they both sound deeply unpleasant.

I'd withdraw most or indeed all childcare help and financial help - and look at your wills and only leave to DGC if it can be left in trust until they're old enough to have it themselves with no chance of their parents nabbing it!

That does likely mean they'll cut you off though... guess it depends on how desperate they are for the tiny bit of baby sitting you might still be willing to do. If their relationship with the children is abusive I would consider sticking around until at least one of the kids is old enough to be able to contact you without involving parents, so they have an escape route if necessary.

What do you mean lots of money ? Do you actually give them money ?

Go travelling. You only have one life. Go live it instead of being taken advantage of.

I would be making sure that GC know that you will be always there for them if things got too bad

I dont think they can stop you seeing the gc as I think you are in their lives so much that it would come under grandparents rightd
I wonder what would happen if they stopped you baby sitting. Would they find it too expensive to do anything

They are absolutely taking the piss. I understand from reading your post and first comment under that, that they have a history of blocking both you and the other grandparents but the truth is they are incredibly selfish and entitled. It’s also worth remembering that they need you now, more than you need them and the longer this goes on the more shabbily they will treat you if and when they are put out be it over this or something else. Giving you a voucher that just about covers a dinner at Christmas, nothing extra is nothing short of insulting seeing as number one you’re the grandparents, number two clearly neither of you drink to excess because if you did they’d hardly have you minding three young kids?? And given the fact that you get paid nothing it’s barely a token gesture.

It sounds as though they can afford childcare but they choose not to spend money on it hence having the money for golf and going out regularly. It is also pure laziness that they can’t be arsed to cook the kids dinner first and have it ready to heat up or serve for you, it’s the least they could do! I suspect they know damn well that they wouldn’t get away with all this with a paid babysitter, which is another bonus to having you there to perform what is essentially slave labour.

Ask yourself why do you put up with this? If it’s about seeing the grandchildren and spending quality time that should be an option in your own time, not just when it suits them. They are taking advantage of you both and also pushing you to your limits, seeing as you should be enjoying your retirement as you see fit.

I would spend a bit of time deciding what to say to them, maybe look among similar threads which appear below this one for ideas. Then give them 1 month’s notice, with a specified end date as the last day the current arrangement will take place. Refuse to budge on when it will end as you’ll never escape this situation otherwise.

As someone who lost one parent to suicide and has cared for the other singlehandedly for almost a decade now, many of us wish we had our parents fit, alive and well enough to spend time with -not to use for what we can get out of them. Best wishes and feel free to post again any time 🌺

Umm NO. Get real.

Sorry I know this is your DD but wtf. I would have checked what my parents wanted and kept the fridge stocked for them. So ungrateful.

I think the least your family could do is provide food for you when you're at their house. Presumably they do cook, they could make a lasagne for you to reheat and have with salad. They could fill the fridge with odds and ends and tell you to help yourself, make sandwiches or whatever. Soup and rolls, fruit. That, I would say, is quite normal when people look after your children in your home. Even a casual babysitter has that.

The Christmas present is OK if not very imaginative but, apart from that, it wouldn't hurt for them to treat you sometimes as a way of thanking you. Little things mean a lot.

My suggestion to you is to be less available. If they have to go elsewhere for baby sitters they will be paying an hourly rate. It might make them appreciate how much you do for them. Parents generally will freely help their children but don't like to be taken advantage of, these are taking the piss.

I’m going away tomorrow with my husband. Parents are coming to dog sit and teenager sit. I’ve woken up early to write a list of all the food I can get in for them as I’m so grateful they are helping me out. Tomorrow night I’ll buy them all a take out. Saturday, they’ll have some M&S bits and Sunday I have something in the freezer for them. I also pay for their petrol. They refuse but I send it anyway. I’m just so happy they can help.

I think you have been taken for a mug and I would stop looking after the Grand Children and suffer the consequences of not seeing them. Sod her hair trigger temper let them look after their own kids and don't bend.
I know you love your Grand Children but this is a joke.

Oops Gran.

Sounds as though you tolerate a lot of abusive behaviour. You may be doing it so you don’t get cut off from your grandkids. What about the effect they have on your grandkids?

My mum (and her dog) used to fly in for her winter "holiday" with us - we had central heating. As far as I remember we paid for the flights. We always cooked for her and sometimes she babysat for us if we went out to dinner. Sometimes when we went overseas she stayed with the children - well actually with a live-in nanny to do the donkey work - I left the freezer crammed with a variety of casseroles and pre-prepared food like homemade Chicken Kievs and with the cupboards fully stocked. She and the nanny just had to defrost something. I left ample spending money to take the children out to activities or lunch or whatever. I think your daughter and son-in-law sound unbelievably cheap and crass.

Some grown adults see their children as highly desirable commodities or goods, to be granted as a reward for good behavior and withheld as punishment for misdemeanors. It never crosses their mind that grandchildren have a right to their grandparents, and vice-versa. Well, two can play at that game. If I were you I'd start putting all that money you're giving DD and DSIL into savings accounts for their kids, to be handed over on the child's 18th or 21st or 30th birthday (whichever you choose) on the condition that you still have a free, open and mutually loving relationship with said grandchild.

Wow you are stuck between a rock and a hard place - the issue is- by doing and saying nothing to your grandkids you are actually saying dads behaviour when shouts etc is ok …

while 7/8 is young it’s not a baby I would be tempted to talk to the kids older than 5 about how you will always be there for them if you need them and then say something to DD about her and her husband’s behaviour to you and to their kids… you might get banned but better than sitting watching kids get verbally attacked

and either way stop the money now …if they have enough for golf days and steak then they don’t need your handout

Playing Devils advocate.

It sounds like if you weren’t around they would have to pay for a babysitting/child minding/ nursery service and you are shielding them from the reality of life.

However if they cannot afford these it would probably mean your dd would be left holding the babies whilst her dh would go out without her. Once she has done a few years home alone in charge of 3 small children she would probably divorce him as the scales would have fallen from her eyes

You stepping in for free is just prolonging an abusive marriage

What a piss take. If my mum babysits, I cook her a full meal and leave a bottle of wine in the fridge for if she wants a glass. I’d be doing a lot less childcare if I were you. Let them pay for it and perhaps then they’ll become rather more appreciative.

No one should scream at kids. He sounds bloody awful.

Personally, I’d tell them excitedly that you’ve booked a cruise then sail away!

https://www.cruisedirect.co.uk/royal-caribbean-cruises/