No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

Surely, now that they've seen the cost of paying a babysitter for the duration of a golf day, they in fact need you far more than you need them?

You didn't raise an ungrateful child. I'm sure you have taught her over the years how to behave, and the best example for a child is to be the example you want them to follow.

She's chosen this man and is clearly sticking by him.

What I would do is keep quiet, keep the peace, see the grandkids as much as possible, because you know this time will end quickly. When they're teenagers they can choose to spend time with you, regardless of mum and dad. I would def stop giving them money.

You sound like a great mum who's done her best all along.

This is not normal. When I babysat as a teenager I was always offered food.

On the off chance you’re still reading replies, @Rustynailsit, please start a brand new thread in Relationships and give it a title from the heart, not about food.

Good luck and I’m so sorry for what you and your husband & grandchildren are going through.

This is shocking, @Dressered. Do you mean you pick up the tab for the whole meal for all of you? Please, please be 'busy' from now on when your DiLs parents visit. And as for paying towards their airfare over here: wow! CFs all of them.

And it seems so common to treat parents with such a cavalier disregard. It's shocking. I pay no attention to those who say 'your fault, you brought them up like this' because influence comes from many sources and certainly by the time they're in their 30s and 40s they can be quite different people from the ones we raised.

This. Total CFs the pair of them. Cut the support right back right now!
PS your updates are making it worse, and worse. I’m so sorry op. They are ungrateful, and sorry to say unpleasant, entitled people. Go on cruises, be cheerful but unavailable. Glad to hear you have closed the bank of mum and dad.

I think if you’re having your grandkids at your house it’s expected that you have some kiddy provisions in and you provide the kids food. But if you’re going to their house and looking after the kids over a meal time it’s different - they should be catering for all of you. If not next time they ask you I’d explicitly say we can eat at ours around 7pm (on whenever you usually eat) and come after, else please can you provide dinner.

it’s basically why I never go out…. Too much faff to arrange a meal out plus still have to do the drudgery of cooking for the kids and babysitter.

Probably not - they probably think OP and husband should pay for the babysitter as they weren’t available and are retired after receiving an inheritance…. They are ultimate CF’s …. Poor op and grandchildren

I am sorry it has gotten upsetting for you.

I would think/ hope though you grand children are benefiting for you in their lives. They will remember that you both there with them.

But yes you DD is ripping the piss. On the very few occasions someone has minded my children if they will be there around meal times I will have something somewhat organised for them. They also have free reign of anything they want.

This has made me feel very sad. So pleased lots of posters have given sensible advice and the OP will be making changes moving forward.

It did bring to mind the day my late lovely dad (then in his late 80s but very fit) stayed at my house while I was at work to wait for a delivery. When I got home he had eaten but was dying for a mug of tea - hadn't made one all day because he couldn't find a teapot. I don't think in all his life he would have considered making tea in a mug with a teabag!

No, it’s not normal.

i give my mum money to take our kids out (she only ever has one at a time so it’s enjoyable time for her) and I always feed her too!

OP you sound really lovely and caring. There is a point when how your kids turn out is not your fault x x x

No it’s not normal but sadly it’s what happens. My husband and I did many hours looking after our grandchildren which saved our own kids huge amounts of money. Never once was a nice lunch left for us or were we treat it to a meal out. Even now it always seems to be me that pays for meals out. I didn’t even get a Christmas present. I sometimes wonder where did I go wrong?

They are taking the piss, especially the golf days.

Before DD started school DM did one day a week childcare, she would normally take DD out for a few hours so I would pay if its was a paid activity, now she is in school she takes her swimming one evening a week(I pay for the swimming), covers a few days of the holidays and 1-2 overnight stays (for our wedding anniversary for example) a year. I always make sure she has a drink and food and snacks for DD and we pay for joint national trust membership for her and her partner as a thank you and take them out for a nice meal once a year. It's saved us a fortune in childcare and means DD gets quality time with her Nan so I still think Im getting a pretty good deal tbh

I make considerably more effort than that when my friend cat sits for me!

What a horribly ungrateful, selfish pair.

Generally? So, not always, only if there's enough...

Where do you think the baby sitters get food from if they're at yours all day?

Why haven’t you reported this to social services or the school? Your grandchildren are being abused IN FRONT of you!!! And you do and say nothing?!?! 😳😳

It may be shocking @Rightsraptor but it is very common. I have done 7 years regular grandchild care. It was 4 days a week at one stage. I dropped the children back one evening when her parents were staying. They were drinking wine and sitting by the fire. I was asked to stay and look after the children until the parents had finished work calls. I was not offered wine and looked after the children for half an hour when I was sent home. I am regarded as the 'help', useful but no need for pleasantries. I know my place. I love my grandchildren to bits though.

I haven't read all the comments yet but are you giving them money ? As you said its costing you lots of money ?? This is wrong 😕 they are treating you so bad but costing you a fortune ..please for your own sakes cut back but still have a great relationship with those poor kids to save them from their father xx

OK. I’m going to add another perspective here. We look after our grandchild for a whole day very regularly although we live over an hour away. We always take lunch with us as DS and DIL have very busy jobs and work long hours. I regard it as no different to if they lived closer we would invite them over for meals/coffee regularly and we would definitely feed our grandchild if babysitting at our home. The fact is that they are not close enough for that, so we’re happy to take food when we’re there looking after them. It’s something that we both like doing and they get to enjoy our cooking.

They are treating you like a door mat.
I would become very unavailable and let them pay for a sitter!
Those two, I am sorry to say should like awful people!

It's not normal but from what you've said, your DD is completely in the thrall of her controlling and stingy (and from the sounds of it, deeply unpleasant) husband. I'd carry on as you are and subtly let her know you'll always be there for her, because she might well need your support to leave him one day - and otherwise you won't see the grandkids anyway. Sorry you're experiencing this.

If you have not brought it up with them before, I'm unsure why you would expect your daughter to know you have an issue with it. Next time you could say you'll need to leave at X time to have your own dinner, and follow through on that?

It sounds like the no food provided thing is tip of the ice berg in OP situation. Perhaps the no biscuits thing would have been final straw to break things.

the back story of issues in the relationship and the threat to cut them out feels like the big issue.

you sound like a lovely grandparent though. Would you like to adopt a 40yo with two teenagers too ? 😀 asking for a friend….

SS won't be interested if she rings to say she's seen her son-in-law shout at his kids. They're barely interested if you ring with much stronger evidence of abuse/neglect than that.