No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

I was going say maybe it just needs a quick talk with them and they didn't think about it, but sounds like it’s intentional. I’ve always prepped all kids food and allowed any one that’s babysitting to help themselves to anything that’s in my kitchen and made sure there was food they like available.

You have a bigger isssue than the food tbh.

That's really quite sad. Do you see the grandchildren at other times, not just when you're looking after them? I'd just worry that if you withdrew babysitting, your daughter husband will stop visits just to spite you. He sounds awful tbh. That said, you need to live your life as well, not be at their beck and call especially when you're treated with so little appreciation.

You really have to ask ?

rhey should be talking to their knees grateful for all the free care an money you are saving them

and leaving a full fridge /freezer and saying help yourself

Having read your update I can see they're both fearful shits, possibly the husband over the line first by a nose. And mean to boot. Possibly see the DD on her own about the food, though seeing as she sucks up to her horrible husband, she may well dob you in.
I'm not a MIL, never mind a grandparent, but the thought of your being punished in this way is painful to contemplate.

They've blocked you previously? What for?

I'd say that you'd prefer to babysit at your house from now on. You can eat whatever food you want then.

If the say no, then they are back to paying whacking great babysitting or childminding costs!

So you either maintain the status quo until they no longer need you and drop you, or you say something and this dickhead cuts you off.

I think your best bet would be to start being a little less unavailable. Let them start worrying about upsetting you because a paid babysitter is not going to put up with any of their shit. They need to appreciate how good they’ve got it, and how much it’s going to cost them if they either cut you off or piss you off.

This is awful. Whenever grandparents or family were looking after my DC in our house I always told them to help themselves to food and snacks and use the kitchen if they wanted to cook something.

How very sad. 💐

Stingy fuckers. If you were petty minded you could deduct the cost of food and babysitting services from any inheritance you might have been intending to leave them 😂

It's not normal. But hey ho, as you won't be able to babysit anymore due to your retirement travelling, they will be able to make their own, refreshment free, arrangements going forward and save themselves the price of the Xmas voucher

Stop babysitting completely. They won't pay for a babysitter so they will come crawling back. If they don't, you will find another way to see your grandchildren. You raised their mother, this can't be a shock to you that's she's a entitled brat.

OP, why did you title your thread, ‘No food for Grandparents’? By any measure, food is the very least of the issues you are describing in your posts

You are talking about appalling dysfunction, imbalance and abuse.

We won’t risk being cut off again, and I can’t go into the previous reason as it might be outing. I know Dd is not on Mumsnet but some of her friends may be.
Suffice to say that it was a very minor comment made to DSIL.

We feel that all we do is give, time and money, lots of money.

We don’t need anything from them, it’s more the lack of consideration, but having now confirmed my own feelings I see we have been fools. Definitely no more golf days. 3 kids are exhausting

Yeah they will cut you off.

But not for long.

This is basically "babysitting chicken"

They are banking on you wanting to see the kids before they are desperate for a baby sitter that they dont have to pay for. Hold the line. Dont blink. They will come back before you do (probably using the phrase" as the kids miss you, we have decided to give you another chance") bet you £100.

You're being taken advantage of. And then some.

But it's really common. You're certainly not the first grandparents to tolerate being used and abused by their adult children because they live in fear of losing access to their grandkids. It's akin to emotional blackmail and is absolutely shameful.

When you bin off the golf days, be sure to say: Oh we'd love to as you know but....
Seeing a how touchy and tight they are, any change will mightily displease them. Like dealing with Trump, I imagine: you might seek to appease, but no good result is guaranteed. Having been the beneficiaries of a very lopsided deal, they'll be pissed off at any perceived lessening.

Having said that, the 'his" steak, "her" chicken and I must say the cheapskate food for the children from those who presumably have two golf club subscriptions argues they'll follow the money and come crawling back.
I say cheapskate kids' food because of the context of all the rest of the tightarsedness about food.

So essentially they are blackmailing you? Toe the line or we will cut you off. Our DDs tell us to treat their home as our own when babysitting and they only ask us to sit so they can go to work. No golf days. So we help ourselves to whatever is in the fridge and they usually bring home treats for us. Never have they threatened to cut us off either from seeing our GC. I think I would be rowing back on the babysitting.

People in history have treated slaves better.

Your DD is in an abusive marriage.

@Rustynailsit They are CFs. You are subsidising their lifestyle but instead of being grateful they are doubling down and using emotional blackmail.

That said, in your shoes I would also be worried about my daughter, it sounds like he is controlling her too. I would think twice about allowing myself to be cut off not only because you'd miss the DGCs but also for fear of isolating your DD

It is a tough one

Agreed

We have a complicated relationship with our son, he has 3 children now with 3 different partners but we put up with a lot because of our grandchildren. Very sad to admit as a parent that he’s not a nice person (to us) and if it weren’t for our grandchildren I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with him. Luckily we have a good relationship with his two exes and offer them support. We have been told many times over the years that “you will never see your grandchildren again” this lasts until he wants something, usually money, then we go along til something else displeases him. My DH and I are still of working age so we don’t do weekday childcare routinely but help out with emergencies and have our grandchildren over weekends and in school holidays.
.I used to live in fear of losing contact with my grandchildren but in order to protect my own mental health I have had to take a bit of a mental step back.
I can only advise you to limit the childcare to what you feel you want to do, fill your lives with other interests and don’t be so readily available. You may not want to hear this but you have to be prepared that at times you might be blocked from seeing your grandchildren but that your DD and DSIL will come crawling back when the alternative childcare costs them too much.

We think it is controlling, but she thinks the sun shines out of his you know what.
He can be charming when it suits but has a hair trigger temper. Even with the kids. We have sat there when he has screamed at one of them for nothing and she turns a blind eye. Nothing we can do. I did challenge his behaviour once and we were asked to leave, so we just keep quiet now.

You want feedback on being almost full-time baby sitters..I've always offered my parents foods or drinks if the 4 youngest go stay over night every few weeks, they never take it or will give just as much back lol, if they come to ours everyone can just help themselves but find it bizarre your not having fun you can love the grandchildren without being there sitters.