No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

Take some salad and a jacket potato, to go with her chicken and his steak and check the cupboards see if they have any decent plonk hidden

Anyone who visits my home is welcome to food and drink! I wouldn't treat a stranger like this!

When my DF looked after my DS at ours he knew he could have whatever he wanted. I also used to bring him home takeaways quite regularly. If he bought a takeaway I would reimburse him and I paid for thank you meals out (when he let me).

They are saving thousands and they begrudge you food?

You are right to cut back. Let them sort out paying for childcare.

I am sorry but your daughter and her partner sound horrid.
I feel sorry for their kids - who are lucky to have you and will need you when they run far away from their toxic parents.

My mum used to babysit for me ad hoc - if it was 10-15 mins I would buy my dad a newspaper and my mum some nice biscuits (not payment... THANKS).

If they babysat over a meal I would ensure there was food for everyone that was easy to cook.

When my kids stay at their grandparents house I will give them some nice bits to take - fruit, croissants, snacks... stuff to share. It costs a lot to have 2 extra mouths to feed.

I have decaf in the cupboard for my mum and always stock the tea she likes (that no one else drinks) and I always get the beer my dad likes when he comes over - whether to babysit or just visit.

It just being nice.

Thinking about it, when I go on holiday now, and my friend house-sits to look after my cats, I pay her, plus I make sure fridge and freezer are full of the food/drink etc that I know she likes. I factor that cost into my holiday budget. That's for someone looking after my home/cats, let alone my DC!

This is really upsetting to read. Loving grandparents treated so badly and then abused if they try to raise the issues. I think in similar circumstances, I would also gradually be less available as you and other posters have said. But in the end I’d have to call them on their threats and walk away …. They’ll soon see that even paid, professional childcare won’t tolerate their mean and entitled ways, let alone your son in law’s volatile temper with the children. If we take our supper along when we babysit for our DGC it’s to help DS and DDIL so they don’t have to worry about it. But they would always assume we’d help ourselves to anything from their fridge or kitchen cupboards. It goes without saying. If your DD and son in law are the same with his parents, have you ever spoken to the other grandparents directly about it? They might be feeling the same.

@RustynailsitI know you said you were bowing out but I hope you read this.

Is your daughter an only child?

As others have indicated you have more problems here than the baby sitting matter.

I am concerned about your daughter’s obvious self entitlement and her belief that she should be given money you inherited.

Looking to the future - who do you want to be responsible for any future care you may need? Who do you want to be responsible for your finances?

Do you trust your daughter (and SIL) to do the right thing by you?

Perhaps you should get some legal +/or financial advice?

You say she “married up”? Is she wanting to “match” whatever it is her husband’s financial background is?

Are his family wealthy?

What is his/their relationship like with his parents. You said they have been blocked previously.

Please don’t let them use your grandchildren as a weapon.

Great way of blaming them! Do you blame your parents for all of your misdemeanours? Seriously?

My own parents have gone through this, not with me, but looking after my siblings kids. My parents provided 2 long days of childcare, from 7am till 7pm, had to bring their own lunch and weren't invited to stay for tea. My sibling did weird things like hide the butter and coffee as they decided my parents used too much (They do use masses of both, but that's the price of free childcare), hide the good biscuits etc.

My parents offered childcare when I had kids, I always made sure there was food they liked in and they had a choice of what to eat. Granted now that we don't need them for childcare they do see less of the kids, but I facilitate visits as much as possible around working, weekends away, and clubs the kids attend at the weekend. My parents don't offer or suggest visits, all the leg work at organising falls to me.

But my sibling doesn't facilitate anything and they barely see their older granchildren, its a shame.

I think theyre unreasonable. They should not be expecting you to he out of pocket for the grandchildren, however, it sounds like these kiddos will need you. So if you can afford to suck it up I would.

But id evaluate how generous I am with your daughter and son

Enjoy your travels

This is really concerning. A woman entering into a marriage with a man who later turns out to be vile tempered and controlling is one thing, but to actually go into it with her eyes open to what he is and how he will control her is quite another.

We don’t have any family to help but last year for our anniversary we got a local teenager who we know to babysit for a few hours. We got food and drinks in for them and paid them

I would never dream of having a guest over meal times and not providing food. I would be so embarrassed.

The only way to deal with entitled behaviour like this is to sit it on its backside quick!! Otherwise the more you give the more they take. Boundaries needed to be put in at the start.

First poster nailed it 💯
I read the OP comment and literally said aloud "they're taking the piss".

As in no food in particular left out for you? When my sets of parents look after mine at our house they know that they just help themselves to whatever they like. I’ll usually say there’s “xyz” in the fridge for lunch so they know nothings off limits and make sure to tell them to have whatever they like before I go. In terms of the voucher are they struggling financially?

You have both been very good to them OP and it's time now to put that same effort into yourselves. Enjoy the cruise or whatever travel plans you opt for.

Having read the updates l think the most important take away for OP is to make sure she and her DH don’t leave themselves vulnerable in any way as they get older, and to make sure they don’t have access to anything financial. Set up lasting power of attorney with someone they trust and include each other as one of their attorneys. Watertight wills are also a must. These two sound predatory and the thought of having to rely on them for anything on older age would fill me with dread.

If your dd has always been a bit entitled then I’m afraid that’s on you. Neither of my kids has ever been entitled because they would have been given short shrift from the off.

If I had gc and no food available I’d be pretty blunt with my kids about the situation. I think you have been indulging her entitlement from a young age. DD and her spouse sound absolutely ghastly.

You do realise that people can grow quite the opposite from the way they were raised, don’t you? They have agency.

And how is any of this helpful to OP now ? You seem to be saying she’s now reaping what she sowed as a parent, which is nonsense.

OP said “unfortunately dd has always been a bit entitled”.

If you're still reading:

Spend as much of your own money on you as you can.

Re-write your will so that anything left bypasses your daughter and goes to the grandchildren.

That’s awful. When my mother visits she has free rein of all food in the fridge and cupboards. She doesn’t babysit and I cook her an evening meal and make her lunch. Your daughter is plain rude. You shouldn’t have to make meals for the kids either, they should be pre-made and ready for heating up.

Wow you raised a really unpleasant, entitled DD there.
Id be gently distancing myself, finding other stuff to be occupied with given you know the ultimate outcome already.
That they won’t make the effort with you in later years. I’d be protecting myself now given they are so malicious as to likely cut you off if you don’t comply with their wishes.

I make a packed lunch for the kids, give free rein to the grandparents in the kitchen to make themselves lunch, and I stick the slow cooker on too before I go out for the day. Dinner for all and enough for me when I get home too!

You already know but you are absolutely being taken for granted.

I would be stepping back and without telling them I would be changing my will to skip her and leaving my worldly goods to my grandchildren. I’m assuming you have one child. I’m sorry this must be very difficult for you.