No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

This situation has built up over time. Tricky daughter. Her marriage to a very difficult and bullying man. Child One. Child Two. Child Three.
I imagine you have been treading on egg shells and appeasing for many years.
In your shoes, not even being able to have an effing biscuit with a cup of tea would have been my final straw.
You have saved them THOUSANDS of pounds in childcare, in addition to any money you have given them.

It is time for some hair trigger behaviour yourself!!

You don't have to grit your teeth and try to gradually cut down being exploited.The early years of retirement are a glorious time for many people. Can you and your husband book a trip to somewhere fabulous at the beginning of March? And get further bookings sorted for June and September? TODAY!
You have subordinated yourself to this ungrateful pair for long enough. Good luck going forward. There will be some rocky times but, frankly, their greed will probably mean they won't cut you off long term.

No I agree and if I could slap his face I would. The cruise sounds like a plan

My mum would mind my DD for 3 hours once a week (at her insistence!) from 12:30-15:30

Id have made a lunch for them both (sandwiches etc) that would be waiting for them at home. Sontbey could have lunch together. Then I'd be home by 3:30 and she'd stay for dinner too

Can't imagine not feeding her!

One time we'd run out of anything sensible for lunch so I left £20 on the table and messaged her to take themselves out for lunch!

incredibly rude and ungrateful! I am more generous to the people that look after my dog!!

You're like my mum and my sister. My mum has been doing lots of free childcare for years, my sister is an ungrateful trigger hair angry brat, yet my mum prioritises her (over my dad and other siblings) because she "loves the grandchildren so much". Every year my sister gives her a small Christmas hamper with products my mum can't use.
Now my parents are in their late 60s, they were meant to Have Fun Plans but she put them off Because The Children, but my dad is ill and going to die in the next year or two, so the Fun Plans will never happen. It's fucked up and infuriating.

What are you giving them money for?

Have the babysitting at yours with your own kitchen and biscuits.

Do consider who you can report his behaviour towards the children to - school safeguarding perhaps? A screaming angry parent isn't good for child brain development/mental health.

We don't automatically provide food for paid babysitters unless specified in their t&C's, although if they come all day they would generally be welcome to eat what we've made for the kids.

But for someone helping out for free, this is crazy! You should stop doing so much for them so they can understand how lucky they are to have you...

Sorry but I think they have you where they want you. I get the feeling it you now start withdrawing childcare they will just say they will get someone else to do it and manipulate you emotionally even more.
Of course they should have food available for you and they should appreciate all the free childcare you have given them, but they both sound entitled and I predict they are likely to just turn to someone else and make you out to be the bad guy if you say you can't do all the childcare and make it out as if you don't want to help at all.

It's deeply weird to have three young children in the house and have no food in. No food at all - not bread, fruit, eggs, cheese, ham, let alone cakes, snacks, biscuits. I am a bit worried about the children.

You say DD is quite entitled, and she may be, but she's still your daughter who you fear might be in an abusive relationship. If he shouts at the children when you're there, I wonder what he does when you are not there. She obviously feels OK with this level of strictness and is Ok with blocking people and so on. I am a bit worried about her.

I feel like these are the things I'd focus on if I were the grandparents.

I’m going to go against the grain and say no I wouldn’t arrange other adults meals, I would expect you to sort yourselves out.

If any family are in my house they can make and use whatever they want. I would always make sure there is food and ask what what they would like brought in. My parents have always said they would not babysit reguarly, from the birth of the first grandchild. And thats fine and we have a great relationshio. They will do emergency pickups, the odd night or afternoon when really needed. They will specificy whether its more convenient for me to drop them at their house and if they are going out say at 3pm then I will need to pick them up by 2.30. I am very grate ful for any help. Despite not earning a fortune ourselves, we have got through both working full time and using nurseries and childminders and after school care. Its been financially draining but as my mum says ' you made your bed, now you have to lie in it'.

Sounds like you have a very ungrateful and rude child and son in law Who dont even cater for guests doing them a favour in their own home.

We only have DS (nearly 3) who is an only grandchild - he stays with his grandparents for the weekend roughly twice a month, but less if he/they have been unwell or they are away etc (they go on month long holidays). I wouldn’t pack food as I think DM would be offended - but that’s at their house, not ours. I do make sure all other supplies are packed like any medicines, vitamins etc - they also receive nice gifts at Christmas, birthday and mother/Father’s Day from both us and DS (usually give handmade gifts from DS in addition to this as DM is quite sentimental). They ask to have him and it’s more as a visit than babysitting, though sometimes we do arrange the visits so that it benefits us also in terms of our plans - they know we really appreciate any childcare in this sense. They are my parents, we have quite a close relationship and they love DH so our circumstances sound quite different.

Putting myself in your DD’s shoes, I would be mortified if anybody spent a day in my home without anything to eat!! And I couldn’t countenance my Mum & Dad babysitting free 3 times a week thanklessly (and going hungry too). Again I do think DM would probably refuse any money from me but the cupboards would be well stocked for everybody and I’d probably try to find other ways to thank them, like taking them out for dinner or booking a spa day.
It sounds like a very tough situation especially if you think contact could be stopped if you raise it. I hope you don’t mind my saying that I would hate for my Mum to feel so unappreciated.
I agree with other PPs that DSIL sounds controlling - it is hard though if she turns a blind eye to it, especially if you don’t feel you can say anything.
In the meantime, you need more holidays like my Mum and Dad!!! And I’m sending you a virtual biscuit for your cuppa 🍪

Outrageous. If you can't afford to feed the babysitter, you can't afford to go out.

We always feed babysitters. And normally they also stay over so they don't need to drive home.

Maybe offer to babysit a lot less and do it at your house. I think once a month is fair.

That wouldn't be uncommon.

Maybe read up on the history of slavery before making such a trite and tone-deaf comparison. OP and her husband are being treated really badly by their daughter and son-in-law but trivialising and minimising the treatment that slaves endured isn't the best way to support OP.

That’s awful. We don’t ask for that much help, but if we ever did I’d have prepared all meals so they just needed popping in the oven. The cupboards would all be stocked up as well and you’d be told to help yourself.
Think you need to start being a bit busier in the New Year and less available!

I think the voucher is separate to the food issue. Presumably you’re volunteering to look after your grandchildren because you want to help? I don’t think you should therefore expect a greater Christmas present in return. Nothing I buy my parents could ever repay them for how much they’ve helped out, it’s simply not comparable. In the past I have bought them lavish spa days etc to try and make up for it but truthfully I was just getting myself into debt for it and I realised they wouldn’t want that. So I think a meal voucher is fine as a Christmas present and you should separate that out from the other issues - unless you feel like you need to be paid for the childcare in which case that’s a conversation with them.

But on the food thing you are not being unreasonable, they should be providing food for you to give to their kids! No matter whose house it is at. And you should be able to help yourself to food while at their house.

Maybe you could start talking a lot in their hearing about the fine work being done by your local donkey sanctuary and how you hope to leave them a large bequest when you pass on.

My parents do a lot for us. I mean they don’t need money but they raised us to be generous so we go out together and give time - we get the bill sometimes, they get the bill sometimes, it depends who gets to the waiter first. We host them sometimes. If they are at ours the kitchen is always well stocked and we try to remember to get in extras of things they like if we are organised enough. Sometimes they get us a takeaway, sometimes we order it and they pay if they get to the counter first, sometimes we get to the counter first, swings and roundabouts.
They are helping with childcare now but in a few years they will maybe need more help from us so again things work both ways, giving and receiving, that’s what family is for. You give what you can and time is most important, don’t keep count.

That’s not normal. If my parents look after my child of an evening, I will always leave dinner for them (may have to cook fresh pasta but the bulk of the meal will be done).

Wouldn't you at least leave enough food for your parents to sort themselves out from? And say to them to do so?

My in laws used to babysit for BIL/SIL they would have to take tea/coffee/biscuits as they never had any in. Next time they went it would all be gone. My BIL had the cheek to ask them why they stopped leaving coffee: They’re not poor.

This is your daughter. Why is she like this? Have you spoken to her about needing some food when you are there? Do you not have a close relationship? You are talking about her in a very detached manner. Just tell her, kindly how you feel? Why are things so strained between you?