No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

I think there needs to be a discussion that you get 1 pkt biscuits and food for a meal provided or the cash to cover it. How they can be on a health kick and be feeding their kids that sort of rubbish I will never know. I perhaps would phrase it like that to them about it being for the kids to have a proper sit down meal and have healthier meals than scrappy pizza and nuggets. I would keep the contact for the kids sakes to be honest BUT don't let your boundaries down. But yes less available and they will start to understand the true cost of this sort of support - do his parents do the same?

They are taking you for a ride.

@Aluna
When you treat people really well they don’t think you’re amazing they think they’re amazing.

I have not heard this adage before but it strikes me as something that every woman should be told at maturity. I don't think it is universally true and, of course, treating people well should always be the default, but its something to keep in mind when you start quizzing why some people seem so entitled.

That's a good idea. But given the OP's daughter and her husband have been shown to be so emotionally manipulative, bullying, aggressive and demanding it is vital to have the will watertight and the grandchildren's inheritance tied up. Maybe to be released to the grandchildren once they reach say 25/30. Any earlier there's a real risk Mr and Mrs Grabby Fuckers will nag, harass and wheedle the kids into handing over the dosh.

That is not normal to not provide food. I look after grandkids. At their homes and there is always something for me to eat. Do they not even have eggs in to make an omelette for you?

I get a lot of help from GP's (who are very happy to do so), they both usually bring their own lunch but I always provide lunch for the kids. If I'm at home I will always offer them to stay for lunch or dinner. We pay for one GPs petrol as she lives an hour away and wouldn't accept a gift if you held her down and forced it in to her hands. The other one gets generous gifts for birthday and Christmas and sometimes in between.

I babysit regularly which involves being at my grandchildren's house at 5.30 onwards to put them to bed. There is never any food apart from specific items I have to cook for the grandchildren for supper. I have learned to take a sandwich and a flask of coffee. Many of my friends have the same experience.
We have never had a meal paid for us by ours son and his wife. We are asked to accompany them out for a meal when her parents are visiting but we are always expected to pick up the tab. We were asked to contribute to her parents airfares ( not from the UK) when we first knew her. She explained that it wasn't fair on her parents because they did not choose for her to relocate to the UK.
There was a thread on here before Christmas from a poster complaining that her eighty year old MIL took taxis everywhere. The OP said she couldn't bear to see her MIL spending her son's inheritance.
There are a lot of DILS who like to monitor spending with respect to in laws.

They sound tight fisted and unreasonable.
Also golf is not an appropriate hobby when you have young children.
For what it’s worth my own parents and my in laws very very rarely looked after my 3 children.
My children are all adults now and I think I could count on one hand the number of times they’ve looked after them .
I have a friend whose in laws mind her children so she can have a golf day each week weather permitting .
That means they show up at her house very early and sort the kids for school while she leaves for her golf day ..the in laws do the school drop off and pick up

Good grief! Even my dog sitter can help herself to anything in the cupboards, fridge and freezer. And I gave her gifts at Christmas and a tip.

I think you'll have to stop being available.

No that’s not normal. It’s extremely mean of them! Even as a teenager way back in the 80’s when I was babysitting I was told to help myself to anything in the house!

This is not normal behaviour at all. Do you think they could be struggling financially if there’s very little food in? However, unlikely if they’re going out a lot. They both sound very mean.

My PIL do ad hoc childcare rather than regular days but they are always adamant they will bring their own food or take the kids out for lunch and pay. I’ve always said they must help themself to food in the fridge or cupboards as they wish, but I don’t buy anything special in as I know they’d refuse it. I’d pre-prep food for the kids so it’s easy for them to just put on. They travel a fair way but always refuse dinner with us too and have it when they get home. I think that’s just how they like it. They’ll use tea/coffee/milk but not much else. I must admit it makes my life easier on busy work days. Especially as they often do cover when DH is working away.

ETA: it sounds like you have bigger problems with your DD and SIL though, and it’s very ungrateful of them not to offer you anything at all.

They are not skint if they are playing golf! I'd just say "yes, we can babysit but it would maje life easier if you left us something to eat so we dont have to remember and bring food abd drink.'

Oh no this is worrying me …😕 much more concerning than the lack of food available at their home when you babysit

The notion that daughters are always closer to their own parents is not universally true. I speak from experience, with a grandchild I haven’t seen for several years.

My parents babysit, not often now as they are older and very rarely full days either and Although I never provided meals as such, my fridge and freezer is always full and they have always been welcome to eat whatever they like. I wouldn't care if they cooked the last chicken breast etc

I always keep biscuits, crisp, cereal bars in the cup board too and buy the type my dad likes on purpose for when they pop over.

Only yesterday my parents popped over and ended up leaving with some m&s frozen ready meals we weren't going to eat and a lamb joint. Husband decided he's going on a diet and wasn't going to eat them anytime soon. 😂

For xmas I gave my parents a afternoon tea voucher at a farm shop near me. That was a xmas gift, not a thank you for looking after my kids.

Step back, be less available and I certainly wouldn't watch the kids so he can do golf days when he sounds like a huge asshole.
God I hope my daughter doesn't meet a vile twat like the man your daughter married, I would find it so hard to hold my tongue.

Please book your travel asap, and be very loosey-goosey on details of your departure and return dates - "we're going to play it by ear - might tack on a trip to this place or that". Limit the babysitting to once or twice a year for major occasions like weddings if it doesn't conflict with your own plans.

Good for you both, I’m delighted to read that you will be travelling…enjoy every moment ….you both being away may just make them think a bit !!! Xx

P.S. send postcards and letters and random communications to your Grandkids so they know you think of them. Your relationship with them doesn't have to suffer just because you are calling time on being taken for granted by their parents.

We often babysit and because of distance we stay a few days. We have an unwritten "rule" that we can use their food as our own we make meals for them and they for us. I do make sure I replace essentials though although (easier for me to shop for home as well before we leave).

you need to get her away from him. She needs to do the freedom programme.

And under those circs i would be doing as much babysitting as i could, preferably at yours, but wherever you feel most comfortable.

Sorry.

It's far from normal.
I'm sorry that you are being treated like this .
I think that you need to pull back quietly. Be less available.

We feel that all we do is give, time and money, lots of money.

Time to turn off the money taps, then.

You are their guests as well as helpers so they should provide all your meals.

OMG this is so true!