No food for Grandparents

[Rustynailsit]

I’m just wanting some feedback on what is normal when babysitting. We have 3 grandchildren up to age of 7. Have spent many hours babysitting, including some whole days weekly. They socialise quite a bit and also have golf days. We do most of the minding at their house, apart from 1 day a week for 1 child at ours. We have never been provided any food for either lunches or dinners and also have to cook children’s dinners (think chicken nuggets, plain pasta etc).

We have to bring our own food. At Xmas we are given a voucher to a restaurant or pub to the value of just covering the meal (but not drinks). This is supposed to be our Xmas present and also thank you for minding.

Is this normal?

You can’t compare your situation. Ops family just take and give nothing , even leaving an empty pantry with no cooking supplies and not even leaving a measly biscuit when they are babysitting their kids .

Do they not have food in the house? If my parents had babysat, I'd have told them to help themselves to whatever they wanted. I'd have prepared something for everyone's dinner and made sure there was food in. Do they see you bringing your own food with you?

It might be worth a chat with the NSPCC about the way the children's father treats them.

Adding voice to the chorus that if family members (or anyone) looks after our toddler, we provide food. Usually it’s something I cook (or home-cooked and defrosted), that can be eaten with her, sometimes it’s an oven pizza or takeaway bits from a local deli. I always check/warn first. Once a babysitter I didn’t know said she’d bring her own food, so that’s the only time I didn’t.

Sounds awful and jut in very bad grace - being rude about the biscuits, rather than saying oh of course we’ll make sure there are some just for you next time.

Why are you giving them a lot of money @Rustynailsit ? What for and how much?

I have to remain somewhat detached as have found in the past that if we try to talk to her about his controlling behaviour she immediately tells him what we say. She was always difficult growing up, always wanted things we couldn’t afford and made us feel like failures for not providing what she wanted. Now she thinks she’s married up. I inherited from my parents which has enabled us to retire and have some nice things, she keeps hinting (not so subtlety) that we should hand most of it over to them. Because of the way they treat us that won’t be happening. When they married we spent a fortune on the wedding and helped with some renovations. But the bank of Mum and dad is now closed.

They really are! If it was so they could go to work and pay their bills ok, but ‘golf days?’ Sounds expensive. I’d start making food while there, beans on toast, cheese on toast , something simple along those lines.

I would step right back but without any confrontation, but legit reasons. ‘Oh I’m so sorry, we can’t do Tuesday, we’re on a health kick and have booked a salsa course for 3 months. Looking forward to seeing you all Monday week though.’
id keep my hand in on a much smaller basis, to keep an eye on the potential abuse, to have enough of a relationship with your dgc that they’d still come to you, and so that they don’t cut you off (1 is better than 0 for them).

enjoy your retirement op, not pandering to these cheeky fuckers, who sure as shit won’t give anything back regardless of how much you give

No this is not normal at all. Your son in law’s behaviour is similar to my brother’s, who is a malignant narcissist. Charming to those who he needs to be (your daughter) but will switch to being absolutely vicious if anyone crosses him. Along with the meanness with money, thin skinned to criticism, shouting at the kids, controlling behaviour, and the psychological threats underlying the removal of your access to your grandchildren. My brother exploited my parents in terms of child support also and then was vile to them when they needed care (both ended up with dementia). I suggest reading up around this, and the way you approach it may well be different and if your son in law’s behaviour fits with those traits, you will need to think strategically not emotionally. Staying in your daughter and grandchildren’s lives needs to be your priority as they may need you at some point. But you need to also carefully put boundaries down or you will get completely ground down. Look after your wellbeing, and good luck x

We get zero family help. I always buy our babysitter a big bottle of Diet Coke (because she likes it and we don’t drink it) and whatever she wants from the supermarket just before she arrives (usually a pre made salad, lasagne, pizza), I also tell her to help herself to anything else (crisps, chocolate). I also add £10 for petrol as they’re not particularly local.

Good childcare is a godsend!! They are massively taking the piss!! Be less available and then hopefully they’ll be more appreciative.

That’s sad. I’m sorry OP.

A relative comes and stays at mine to look after my dog when I go away.

I buy in food I know they like and they have free access to anything else in the cupboards that they want to eat or drink.

I wouldn't like to think they were hungry or uncomfortable while they were here.

They sound very stingy.

Do you think they would want to pay for childcare to replace you?

@Rustynailsit wow. This is about so much more than food. It's a form of blackmail, weaponising your grandchildren to get what they want from you. The lowest of the low IMHO.
OPs have made good suggestions about stepping away. You somehow need to take back control which might involve some short term unpleasantness but they need to need you more than you need them. I don't think they would need to put their hands in their pockets many times to change their tune.
They both sound vile tbh. I do feel for you.

This isn’t normal. I look after my nephews in school holidays and although I choose to take my own lunch (I batch cook so I always have something) my sister always has snacks etc available.

Also, any friends or family who visit my house know they can just wander into the kitchen and use whatever they like whenever they like - no-one ever takes the piss.

I would go on a months cruise or something to that degree, let them have a month to sort out their own childcare see if that makes them reliese how much they depend on you. Christ my mum had my son for a afternoon and kept saying she would be fine, i brought in her tea bags, biscuits, crisps that I know she eats all for a afternoon. Your DD & her husband are being cruel.

Thank you to all who have replied, it just confirms what we already suspected, that it is not normal and quite mean.

it is upsetting to realise we have raised an ungrateful child.

Hopefully one day she might realise all we wanted was for her to be happy and have a happy family.

I am bowing out now as I am finding it rather upsetting.

Are there no ingredients to cook, bread, cheese etc to make a sandwich? If not that’s really bad but I would not necessarily get in biscuits or junk food for visitors. When my dc were young and my parents babysat (very rare) I either cooked food or it was in the fridge

This is horrendous. I always left my dear Dad food when he helped me out. I never assumed his help was guaranteed.

Your relationship with them sounds difficult, precarious.

If this is the best way to see the grandchildren, maybe you continue with it

If you feel it is no longer tenable, maybe you find a weak excuse

Unfortunately you’ve rather trapped yourselves. By providing so much childcare they now expect it so you can’t step back without them taking umbrage.

When you started babysitting and the terms were clear you should have backed off then and reset the relationship not to involve it.

Now you either carry on on slave terms or you stop risk losing contact with your gc.

The best outcome would be for you to blame health and travel for stepping back to a reduced schedule and hope that their reliance on free childcare means they can’t afford to alienate you. The alternative for them will be a fortune on childcare.

Xpost with OP - good luck, I’m sorry you’re being treated this way - I hope you can find a way forward.

Maybe not, but I hope she don’t anymore because those CF expect it.

So so sad on so many levels op. Feel for you.

you’re really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Good luck.

They (your DD and SIL) sounds bloody awful!! I'm so sorry that they're treating you like this. I'd be ashamed to have treated my parents like they do you.

My situation was this: My lovely parents would babysit my DC when I was working (my shifts started before nursery/wraparound started and finished after the childcare ended, so they'd watch the kids to cover those times). Mum always used to say that I shouldn't bother with nursery/paid childcare and to leave the DC with them, but I didn't want my parents tied in to the hard work of looking after two DC day in and day out. So, my DC were in nursery and wraparound care, and my DP kindly helped by having the DC around those times. I paid petrol money (they didn't want money from me). They didn't want me giving them anything so I got around that by paying for them to have a weekly cleaner and a gardener to help them about their house and garden (I put it to them that this would be for stuff I would have helped them with if I wasn't juggling studies/work etc). I'd ensure that food/drink/snacks etc were available in my place for them to help themselves to, and/or I'd go with my Mum when she did a food shop (for her house, not mine!) and would jump in quickly to pay the shopping bill....or I'd cook and bring food/snacks to their place (for them and my DC to eat!). I'd have them over for meals. I rarely asked my parents for babysitting if I was going out socially, as they did enough and I didn't want to take the piss. There was a point where childcare bills for my DC were comparable with my FT take home wage (I'm a nurse), so I know how bloody lucky I was that my parents would fill in the gaps: when nursery is 7:30am -6:30pm, but nursing shift is 7am - 8pm, it would have been impossible to work were it not for my parents helping.

I can't even put on paper how grateful I was for everything my parents did for me/my siblings (and later my DC). They're both dead now, and my DC are older now - I hope so much that I didn't take the piss with my parents (they would have told me!). They both worked hard and were amazing to us all. In their retirement, it was lovely to see them going travelling, and enjoying lovely times together.

That's just my situation though. Yours sounds difficult. I think subtly pulling back on what you can do, but doing it in a way that you won't be blocked (shit, I can't even get my head around that!) so you can keep contact with your DGC would be the way forward. x

Hopefully one day she might realise all we wanted was for her to be happy and have a happy family.

Probably not until her old age if ever.

When you treat people really well they don’t think you’re amazing they think they’re amazing.