To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

I did make this post longer but it refreshed and i lost it so had to keep it brief

This must be really shocking news and I get why it would be unwelcome for you. That said, your DP absolutely should be tested and donate if he can.

Yabu - surely you'd want your dh to be able to save a child's life if he can.

If the boy is his and he dies, what do you think that will do to your dp?

So there’s a seriously ill child who’s been deprived of a father and of financial support for 13 years through no fault of his own and you would now like to prevent your partner from trying to help his biological son because it’s inconvenient?

Yes, my thoughts too.

If he’s not the dad it’s incredibly unlikely he would be a suitable donor so it won’t matter

if he is the dad then surely he should test, and support his child however they need.

Of course he should be tested . The process is very discreet and if he changes his mind they will say he’s not suitable

YABU to think that some potential inconvenience to you is worth more than someone’s life. You don’t seem to be worried about your DH’s health in relation to donating, just how it will make your life harder?

Surprised nobody's pointed out yet that if this is true, and DP is indeed the father, the possibility exists that he's a carrier for whatever has necessitated the transplant and thus might pass it down to the expected baby.

I can see how difficult this is, but the fact of the matter is you will survive not having him available, his son might not survive without the kidney donor. Could you / DH live with that?

I would however, ask DH to sort some sort of home help/ nanny for the 2YO/ mother's helper type support for when you give birth.

@Born2
A shock for you both but you're talking about a child, a child's life, your DP's child's life.
Im actually surprised that you wouldn't be anything but supportive.
Imagine if it was your DC, you'd do anything to help them.

Does the son even want this from him? Psychologically transplants can be difficult. Would the son really want this tie to a man he has no relationship with?

OP, you're right that this isn't a decision to be rushed but being tested does not mean he will donate. He might not be a match.

We've got a sick teenager in our family who needs a kidney transplant. None of his family members are a suitable donor.

@Born2 YABU.

This is a child. HIS child.

Of course he should test to see if he is a match!!

I get this must be a shock for you and your DP, but I can't imagine the kind of person who likes hurting people so much that they would deny a 14 year old a chance at life because giving them that chance is inconvenient for them. The selfishness bar on Mumsnet used to go from 1-10, it now goes from 1-100000.

I think you are BU. He should do the test and whatever the circumstances it's tragic. If it his son and he misses the chance to do something for him I think the repercussions will carry on for the rest of his life. You advising him not to do it could also be held against you at a later date if the child dies.

What a horrible shock, but what you are asking is that he lets his child die so you can have more support in birthing another child of his.

If he was potentially saving the life of the baby you are carrying, you'd move heaven and earth to make it work.

He absolutely needs to check if he is a match.

‘ the mum said she can’t do it ‘ - is that because she’s been tested already and isn’t a match or because for whatever reason she can’t or doesn’t want to .

Mustve been a shock for your DP ( and you ) not only finding out that he has a son but that for whatever reason the boys mum chose not to let him know all of this time.

Totally agree, can't believe I've read this post.

Yes YABU, and given that you already have a child and should realise the horror & pain & distress involved in the serious illness and possible death of a child, you should be ashamed of even asking this.

I just can’t believe any mother would even ask this question. The cruelty and selfishness of people really are the gift that keeps on giving.

Of course he should be tested! You are being horribly selfish. A child’s life is at stake.

There should be a counselling service when it comes to this stuff OP. Hospitals just dont whip out an organ on a whim. No matter how urgent.

He’s a 13 year old dying child. So of course his main issue isn’t striking up a relationship with a random man who may be his dad.

that may change, it may not. But yes DH should at least get tested. It’s obviously the right thing to do.

if he doesn’t and the child dies the guilt will eat him alive, that’s not something many people could manage.

you don’t know if he is a match or even a suitable candidate based on his health. He doesn’t even have to let them know he IF is match but I don’t think he can live with the what ifs of it all

Ah op come on now

”dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't.”
That’s not your decision to make, OP.