Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

443 replies

Born2 · 07/01/2026 21:08

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 07/01/2026 21:24

This isn't actually as simple as most would think and carries significant complications and considerations if he is the boys father and he is a match.
He needs to really talk to donation service, they have resources designed specifically for this type of situation.

GeishaTrumpet · 07/01/2026 21:25

I understand your reticence especially when the child says he’s not interested in a relationship with your DH but at the end of the day there is a child’s life at stake. I don’t see how your partner could live with the guilt if he refuses to be tested and his child dies.

beAsensible1 · 07/01/2026 21:28

You are in a shock and cycling through a lot of emotions.

try and guide DH to the right support systems to talk it out. Without offering too much of an opinion. the idea and reality of donating is quite different. And a big lifestyle change. Ultimately it’s his body and his organ and his child. He has to be allowed to talk it out

he must be absolutely reeling. What a horrible horrible situation for you all.

Happyapplesanspears · 07/01/2026 21:28

I think my question would be why does the boy need a transplant, could you future baby be in the same situation if your DH is a carrier of a genetic disease. That would be my concern and not valuing a couple of weeks help with a newborn over the life of a teenager.

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 07/01/2026 21:28

Yeah it’s a no brainier… he should be tested and should donate if he can. To not do so is essentially potentially allowing a teenage boy to die just because you “don’t know”. If he dies and your husband finds out about it, don’t tell me that wouldn’t send him insane in the end. No one could live with that.

Abouttoblow · 07/01/2026 21:28

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/01/2026 21:11

So there’s a seriously ill child who’s been deprived of a father and of financial support for 13 years through no fault of his own and you would now like to prevent your partner from trying to help his biological son because it’s inconvenient?

The testing and donor issue aside

"So there’s a seriously ill child who’s been deprived of a father and of financial support for 13 years"

He's been deprived of those things by his mother.

noctilucentcloud · 07/01/2026 21:29

I understand your shock and also anxiety/panic about not having the help you were relying on OP, but this is your husbands decision to make. He may not be a match, he may have other things precluding him, he may decide ultimately he doesn't want to donate. But it's his decision and you need to support him in that. You also have some time before your baby is due, use that time to try and put some support / plans in place if your husband does donate.

828Pax · 07/01/2026 21:30

After the initial test to see if they are a match there is quite extensive testing to then see if the proposed donor is healthy enough themselves to donate. This process usually takes months rather than weeks.
i am sure that the boys mother only asked your DH out of pure desperation, this is a child's life. Put yourself in her shoes. I understand that yes it will cause some disruption to your life but this is a child and not just a child - your DH's child.

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 21:31

I’d think very little of a man who didn’t step up and do this for a child for whom he has done nothing else. Would you want him to do it for your child? Would you think twice about doing it for your child?

LegoRockets · 07/01/2026 21:31

Binus · 07/01/2026 21:14

Surprised nobody's pointed out yet that if this is true, and DP is indeed the father, the possibility exists that he's a carrier for whatever has necessitated the transplant and thus might pass it down to the expected baby.

This was my first thought.

jamcorrosion · 07/01/2026 21:32

Why on earth would you be against this? I can’t think of any reason at all?

JustMyView13 · 07/01/2026 21:32

I think the comments have been quite hard on you here. You’re 36 weeks pregnant, life in the immediate future was planned out & this has come along like a wrecking ball through the middle of all that. Anyone in your position might feel the same.
It’s true, the transplant surgery, recovery & life afterwards will be different and it shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. It also comes with risks. Your DH is deciding to put his own health at risk, for the sake of a person he’s been told is his child. I think it’s completely normal for you to not want him to go ahead with this. Is that selfish? Yes. But it’s ok to think selfishly.

What you can’t do is tell DH whether he can or cannot get tested. He might not be a match. In which case all of this goes away. It might not be his child (although I suspect he & you are probably pretty sure it is). I imagine the child’s mum reached out as a last resort. All you can do is be honest with each other but ultimately, it will be your DH decision to make once all of the information is available to him. It’s a really shit situation to find yourself in, and you’re not a bad person for wanting to prioritise yourself here.

BeeHive909 · 07/01/2026 21:33

He can test to be a match but I wouldn’t like it either. If it’s a genetic condition then you don’t know that in the future either of your kids won’t need one and only he can give it. Sorry but I’d be selfish. He doesn’t know this kids his, the ex hid it and also the kid wouldn’t want anything to do with him. I’d put my family first sorry.

Londonrach1 · 07/01/2026 21:38

This is dh decision re testing. He will need support. Finding out he has a son after 13 years and potentially one is who might die must be awful. Yabu here. Support your husband. There is a very ill 13 year old boy here

Rosecoffeecup · 07/01/2026 21:42

Given how quickly he's had kids with you I'd be wondering how many others there might be out there too

minipie · 07/01/2026 21:42

Ouch OP you’re getting some harsh responses.

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as some posters seem to think and can understand why this has thrown you for a loop. You’re focusing quite rightly on your coming baby and 2 year old and now there’s not only a child neither of you knew about but one who is really unwell and needs (potentially) something huge from your DP.

There’s having DP absent during/after the birth, that’s hard but probably manageable but then there’s also issues like the possible complications, long term health effects on him, what if one of your kids needs a kidney etc.

On the other hand as PP say - if he says no and never knows if he could have helped that’s a really hard thing to live with.

I think it’s clear that he is your DP’s child, or at least the mum honestly believes he is, otherwise she wouldn’t have got in touch.

Has she explained why she never told DP about the pregnancy or got in touch before now? Would your DP like to have a relationship with him, if he is willing in future?

dottymac · 07/01/2026 21:42

God, a kid could DIE and you/your husband have a chance to stop that happening. Can you seriously live with that on your conscience 😳

Abouttoblow · 07/01/2026 21:44

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 21:31

I’d think very little of a man who didn’t step up and do this for a child for whom he has done nothing else. Would you want him to do it for your child? Would you think twice about doing it for your child?

"I'd think very little of a man who didn’t step up and do this for a child for whom he has done nothing else"

The fact that he's done nothing else is 100% down to the mother.

BerryTwister · 07/01/2026 21:45

Binus · 07/01/2026 21:14

Surprised nobody's pointed out yet that if this is true, and DP is indeed the father, the possibility exists that he's a carrier for whatever has necessitated the transplant and thus might pass it down to the expected baby.

This is what I was going to say. I would want to know the details of why this had happened.

QuickPeachPoet · 07/01/2026 21:45

He, the boy's mother, any other siblings and immediate family should of course be tested as viable donors.
She doesn't get to squirm out of it neither.

I knew a family where the mother was not a viable donor but the uncle was. And another where there were 4 children and only one could donate bone marrow to their sick sister.

trainkeepsgoing · 07/01/2026 21:45

YABU

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 21:47

Abouttoblow · 07/01/2026 21:44

"I'd think very little of a man who didn’t step up and do this for a child for whom he has done nothing else"

The fact that he's done nothing else is 100% down to the mother.

Show quote history

That is completely irrelevant to the child who has grown up without his father and now desperately needs him to step up. He has the chance NOW, potentially, to save his son’s life. He can’t blame the mother or anyone else if he doesn’t do the right thing.

RobertaFirmino · 07/01/2026 21:47

I presume the child's mother is absolutely desperate to find a donor.

With that in mind, I'd suggest a paternity test before anything else happens.

HoppingPavlova · 07/01/2026 21:49

@dottymac God, a kid could DIE and you/your husband have a chance to stop that happening. Can you seriously live with that on your conscience

Not that simple. What if the condition is recessive genetic, inherited through the father (who themseld is not affected) and may also affect the baby OP/DH has or any of their other potential future kids. Dad’s just left with one kidney. This is an absolute minefield needing medical input, perhaps genetic testing and counseling. It’s not a ‘no brainer slam dunk’.

Egglio · 07/01/2026 21:50

Rosecoffeecup · 07/01/2026 21:42

Given how quickly he's had kids with you I'd be wondering how many others there might be out there too

This is an underrated point - been together 3 years and have a 2yo. Blimey.

Swipe left for the next trending thread