To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

I was replying to a post about living donation and saying people should register. I have a needle phobia so blood and bone marrow donation are out (I think I'm too old for bone marrow anyway) but I will donate most organs after death if they were any use.

I meant generic you rather than you personally. But if you have a phobia it’s not minimal detriment to you, so it’s reasonable not to do that.

I’m also too old for bone marrow. 😭

I'd love to see some of the sanctimonious people in this thread put in a position where they have to put their money where their mouth is. I bet many wouldn't donate to neighbour's or random kids when the chips are down.

I am also too old for bone marrow. Before I was, I raised it with DP. We decided against, as we had already lost three immediate family members to early death and one life-changing injured, each in different circumstances, and had exceptional caring responsibilities.

Even if they didn't, that's clearly not the same as not donating to your own child, whether he knew about him before now or not.

Yes, but many are saying they couldn't let any child die and would give their kidney. I don't believe them.

I trust all those posters are on every donor list going, regularly contact hospitals to volunteer their kidney, lung lobe, liver lobe etc for unknown children who need them, and already donate blood and plasma.
(I don’t believe them either)

Yes, of course it's ok. Coercion is never ok, but being worried and upset about your husband choosing to get a huge operation that will absolutely definitely affect you and your child and could have health implications for him is absolutely normal and fine.

There is not one single faux martyr hassling the OP on this thread that would do this. Not. One. In real life, very few would make the choice to donate a needed organ and have a serious life-changing operation for the sake of a stranger, even if they were your flesh and blood that had suddenly appeared out off nowhere.

This. I absolutely do not believe them either.

Yes, I think this is very realistic. Of course the wife should express her concerns and a discussion had. It is ultimately the husband's decision. Neither decision is right or wrong, but it is good to at least gather information and then make a decision.

I think there's a huge difference between a stranger and your own child, even if they are a stranger to you. The vast majority of posters are saying that OP should not try to prevent DP from donating to his own child - the thread really isn't flooded with people claiming they'd donate to strangers.

It's natural OP would be shocked and worried, but she's going on very poor quality second-hand information, and I hope some of the facts offered on this thread have reassured her a bit.

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by saying the DH needs to keep his kidney because it might be needed for her baby, she is depriving the 13 year old of it, without a transplant the child is likely to die - so that's EXACTLY what she's saying.

People like this on this thread write about donating an organ so casually, like they can just be handed around like a plate of cookies with no risk. The husband doesn't have to donate to the 13 year old if his investigations tell him it's not good for his own health, or for whatever reason is valid to him. Life isn't fair, it stinks the 13 year old he has been dealt this hand, but it happens. DH's life is as important as the 13 year old.

I understand how much of a shock this has been, and actually your concern about your family makes sense. However, there is a helpless teenager involved here.

If your partner is indeed his dad biologically, then it would make sense for him to be tested to donate, even though he doesn't know the kid, because it's still his kid. And it's not the young lad's fault that he said what he said to your partner; he is ill, young people have no filter, and remember he has either never known what it was like to have a dad or he already has a father figure (e.g. his mum's partner if she has one).

If your partner is the biological father, there needs to be honest discussions about whether the kidney issue has a genetic component so that your own children with your partner can be tested and/or monitored.

Horrible situation all round. Hope the rest of your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period all goes as smoothly as possible. x

But I presume people are free to do what they want with their own body, if the man wants to give his kidney to the next random person who walks past him it is his kidney!

It is always amusing to see the inventive ways for people to cry women have the right to do what they want with their own bodies whenever they want and no one has any say but when a man wants to do something with his own body the hand wringing that happens where he needs a woman's permission to do to the same thing?

Yes, exactly. He is free to give his kidney to the next random person. In the same way, he is also free to not give it to the 13 year old for whatever reasons he feels are valid. His body, his choice. He shouldn't be pressured or guilted in any direction or for whatever decision he makes. I don't think there is anything wrong with a life partner discussing concerns with them though, as long as they recognise it's not their decision in the end.

He needs to find out if he is the father although the timings sound spot on. Then he can decide what he wants to do. He also owes 13 years of child support.

Disagree completely.
I think the amount that wouldn't do it are in the minority, definitely not the majority or a very high majority like you're saying.

As it stands (unless someone else has had a similar scenario, I haven't read all of the comments) we know of only one scenario and in this scenario the man does in fact want to be tested.

I don't think anyone should be able to claim back child support if they have not told the father the child exists, and then suddenly change their mind when it suits them. That's just not fair.

As a mum to a daughter who has stage 4 chronic kidney disease, I face the real possibility that I will need to donate a kidney to her one day.

Perhaps this colours my judgment but wow - could you have made this any more about yourself?

I don't think it's unfair OP is shocked by this situation and has concerns. It's really out of the blue. Even just finding out your DH has a surprise child is quite a big thing.

I'm sorry your child is so sick. I assume you are also not suddenly getting in touch with a father who you told you'd aborted the child and shut out of the child's life?