To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

'People like this' How rude.

the OP doesn't even want him to get tested so if has nothing to do with whether the investigation shows it's not ok for his own health or whatever reason is valid to HIM it's only about his inconvenient it is to her!

so perhaps stop being so rude & up your comprehension skills.

Maybe you should look at your expressive writing and how you talk about other people's life decisions in such a judgey way? It's not black and white. I know - donate your kidney! I bet there's a match out there somewhere. If you don't, you're 'depriving' that person of it. Or it is just other people's health and kidneys you're willing to pass around?

I judged my father heavily for having another another child that he didn't bother seeing when I found out about it, and also my mother for being ok with that.
Can't imagine how I would have felt about them if I found out I had a half sibling who died and our dad wouldn't even be tested to see if he was a match for a kidney, and that my mother was ok with that or even encouraged him not to.

If he doesn't even try I wonder what the impact on the husband would be if the child dies.

I think a lot of people don't realise that this could have a serious impact on the OPs family even if he doesn't get tested or donate.

stop trying to deflect from your poor comprehension skills.

My comprehension skills are excellent. I also know to start a sentence with a capital letter. I think I learned that in the first year of primary. Literacy in this country is shocking.

So are you saying that as a mother you would put the needs of another child before your own ? I think it’s a legitimate concern and needs to be discussed. He can only donate once.

Both children (assuming the DNA test comes back positive) are the father's own. The mother should not be trying to make him favour her child over another.

If more than one child needs a kidney (which there is no reason to believe yet), the ethical thing to do is to donate to whichever needs it sooner.

Once a DNA test is done, DP needs to get in touch with the transplant unit at his local centre and they will go through issues like this with him, as well as his health issues. There is no need for him to guess or speculate. He will be fully in control of the process and can pull out any time

I was speaking from the OP’s perspective and advocating for discussion because it’s a legitimate concern, rather than OP trying to interfere with his decision based on her concerns for her own needs after childbirth.

(assuming the DNA test comes back positive)

What DNA test? OP says nothing about any plans to prove paternity. DP 'wants to test to see if he's a match.' Not to find out if he's the father first. Two out of three pieces of information the mother has given are false. True she was pregnant, but she lied about having an abortion and 'don't tell him you're his dad.' OP is right to be extremely wary.

If this was the OP’s child needing a kidney and her partner didn’t want her to get tested because of the potential wider impact (eg needing recovery time etc) Ive no doubt everyone would say ‘how dare he negatively influence her! It’s totally her decision.’
Same applies here: his child, 100% his decision. The fact that the OP is making it clear she doesn’t want him to test as a possible match, even mentioning the fact he ‘won’t be much use’ during recovery makes it pretty obvious she’s massively overstepping the mark. This is not her saying ‘of course if this is your child you want to try to save his life, but can we talk this through so I can fully understand the situation.’ She is starting from the perspective of ‘I don’t want you to even test to see if you’re a match. If you are a match, donating a kidney is means you’ll need recovery time and you won’t be much use to me during that period.’

honestly, if this is true, it’s shocking

Sure - just assuming he gets one to keep things brief. If DP decides not to do a DNA test, the donor testing will still reveal whether the child is a close relative - well before donating, if he decides to do that, he'll know whether this is his child.

It would be sensible to have a DNA test now because if by chance he's not the father, the child's chance of finding a quick, close match will be increased by tracing his father and his family. I suspect the donation team will also recommend it. But the point is, assuming this is his child, DP owes him the same consideration he'd owe OP's children.

Too many assumptions. Why would you start the compatibility process without establishing paternity? Imagine raising hopes then abandoning the process if not related. Why trust the mother's word? She lived a lie for her child's whole life then tried to perpetuate it at the hospital visit. I cannot understand why paternity is not the very first step. No wonder OP is worried. Nobody knows for sure what they're dealing with.

Haha. She seems to think if the mom won’t help then the poor kid doesn’t deserve any help from anyone when in fact it’s even more reason to step up. Imagine that logic applied to abuse - “oh the mom won’t step in whilst the dad hits them so why should anyone else?” Nuts

YABU. He’s saying he “doesn’t need a dad” because the poor kid is probably having a trauma response meeting his father for the first time at that age, in the circumstances he’s under. He’s probably very frightened in the hospital and then has to meet his father for the first time under such stress and worry already. Your DH should absolutely be tested if he wants to be. I would not be stepping in the way of an innocent child receiving a kidney from his dad. I can understand why you’re upset but hold it together op. A innocent boy is suffering who comes before you.

“A innocent boy is suffering who comes before you.”

True, but op and her dp need to know whether the boy is in fact dp’s son first, before taking further action.

Yes, I agree the paternity test should come first for everyone's sake. Otherwise they are wasting time when the child could have a better match elsewhere.

That would be a sensible issue for OP to raise with her DP, and I expect the donor coordination team will make the same recommendation if he shares the full story. But there's no risk of him being fooled into donating to a non relative anyway, at the end of the day, because the matching programme would reveal this.

receiving a kidney from his dad

You sure about that? 'I had an abortion'; 'No I didn't, I had the baby. I just didn't tell you for 13 years'; 'He needs a kidney and hey, you're his dad'; 'Maybe don't mention you're his dad when you visit him.' Yeah, she sounds totally reliable and he's definitely the dad - go straight to compatibility testing.

Yeah, obviously. If this is a genuine OP (not just a retelling of the Eastenders storyline from a year or so back) then obviously he needs to know he’s the dad. But for the OP to say she doesn’t want him to test as a possible match at all is bloody awful and if this were her child from a previous relationship, she wouldn’t want her current unrelated partner having any say in it whatsoever.