To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

I don’t know enough about the genetics but is it likely that his children with OP would only be a match for him and not their mother?

ETA OP’s children also have a sibling, so another possible match. In any case none of this is a reason not to get tested.

What a shock. I think your DP should go through the testing and go from there. I would encourage him to donate if he is a match. Other than the tragedy of such a young child dying, I cant imagine your partner would ever forgive you if he doesnt at least try.

Helpful

I think you are getting a bit jumped on, OP. Processing the existence of a child is a big deal, especially when you are a bag of hormones. And people are jumping awfully quickly to say that one simply must donate the kidney as if bodily autonomy and consent aren't issues. Are all of those people offering up their own kidneys for possible altruistic donation? They could also save a life after all. I hope they all donate blood, which is a much smaller deal than a kidney. And are on the bone marrow register.

No it's a no-brainer slam dunk - the poorly child get the organ first - not what if our other babies get sick too...my if its his child his respilonsibilities are split equally 3 ways - not 2.

My understanding is that - yes, you can die from donating an organ. There is always a risk, albeit low according to various sources.

Of course I'm worried about the risks of the surgery too, I had to keep the op brief as I lost the other one.

DP was 18 when he was born, he was only with his ex for a few months and it wasn't even a “proper” relationship he said as he was going to uni a few months later. They apparently split up but his ex wanted to try long distance (even though he was Against it from the start), she told him she was pregnant and he basically said he'd support her but they weren't getting back together and she then told him she had an abortion and they didn't really have much contact after that as they had no mutual friends or anything. Apparently the ex had told dp not to tell him that he was his dad but of course he questioned who he was/ why a random man was visiting him. I do believe dp would've been there if he knew even if it was difficult due to uni etc but it's the fact he still wouldn't have a clue if his son didn't need the kidney.

The mum hasn't been tested, no. She said his uncles weren't a match and that's all who's been tested, apparently he was going to have the transplant a few weeks ago before Christmas and he got his hopes up but it fell through for some reason (she didn't say why)

But it:s extremely unlikely.

And this is the initial testing. He might not be a match or there might be medical conditions that would contraindicate his donating.

But it's his decision as an adult with capacity.

She's pregnant for ffs, and this is her partner potentially having an operation when she herself is more vulnerable than usual.

Of course he's going to want to do what he can if this is his son, but if it's an inherited condition and the OP's child goes on to have this illness as well.....then where will he get that kidney? Her? Someone else? Might be a match, but not be, but it would no longer be much of an option.

Errrr yes she does.

He's not a random man! He's her partner and more importantly, the father of her child!!

This all sounds as dodgy as hell.

Why hasn't the mother been tested? Wouldn't she be first to offer?

I'm not sure I'm buying this and would urge your DH to get a paternity test done asap.

No, I don't think that can remotely be assumed. The situation is complex, and we have barely any information.

Some conditions are 'will' not 'could', meaning it would be a choice about which child whether anyone likes that or not. There is no way of knowing whether the child needing a transplant at 13 would necessarily even be the worst affected.

I think you need go bow out of this and give your dh the space to make his decision ans suppprt him in whatever that might be.

Thank you
The insensitivity of your post is astounding OP.
If your partner is suitable as a donor, it could be life changing for the boy who he has just found out about. And yes, this boy is very likely to be his son.
Why would his ex make up this information?

I don’t think bodily autonomy means what you think it means. Bodily autonomy means that nobody - not the state, not the hospital, not OP and certainly not us - should be able to take this decision out of this man’s hands. It does not mean that we can’t have a low opinion of a man who chooses not to help save the life of his own child.

The inalienable right to choose doesn’t mean being protected from all the social consequences of our choices.

Yes, YABU and thankfully it's not your decision.

I agree with this. No way should he go any further without a paternity test.

@StrawberrySquash This. I think there's a lot of projecting going on from women who are thinking of their own child in this situation, and what it would feel like having to deal with their own ex for something potentially life changing for their child, something that might be blocked by his new partner & how distressing that would be.

This.

It is up to your DH. But I would think very little if him if he wasn't prepared to try to save his child's life

Strange the mum hasn't been tested. He should 100% get tested, if his son dies and he never gets tested he will be left with the "what if's" and the guilt of that. He may not even be a match.

I presume you have a low opinion of the mother for not being tested?

I really hope this isn't real. If it is then YABU. It's not up to you anyway, and of course he's doing the right thing wanting to save his childs life. How could you not realise that?

I understand that finding out your DP has another child in this manner must be a hell of a head spin.

However, it's not your choice to make and it's very wrong to tell someone else to not donate a potentially life saving organ to their own child.

You don't even know that he's a match yet. There's a whole process before he'll know it's even an option.

This sounds crazy to me. His ex lied about an abortion. Told your partner to lie to the child even when visiting! And hasn’t got tested but has asked him?!
Id say I’ll get tested once you do. I’d find the whole thing hard to believe tbh. She sounds like a piece of work.

I appreciate thst you are pregnant, so will temper my response with that fact. There is no option here. This child could die. A child your dp created. The sibling of your own children. How do you think your own dc would feel about your dp not acting? Letting their sibling die?

Yes, it is inconvenient, but tough fucking shit. You need to pull yourself together and realise this is not something to mess with. This child might die. Your dp has to try to save him.