To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

Im sure both you and your partner must be in shock right now.

1. Test to confirm your DPs parentage of this child.
2. Counselling support for your Dp re:live donation issue.
3. Testing for donation compatibility./suitability,

Your DP may or may not be the father of this child. Your DP may or may not be a suitable or compatible donor . Cross those bridges first.

I can understand why you are worried but it's not your choice. I really respect your DH for wanting to get tested. He helped create the child, and it's hardly a 13/14 year old boy's fault that his mum lied about having an abortion.

There aren't many things that trump being there to support your pregnant wife, but saving a child's life is definitely one of them.

It doesn’t matter whose fault it is! It’s certainly not the child’s fault, and he is the one who will die if he doesn’t get the transplant.

If mum hasn’t been tested, why put it on him, she wants him to give her son a kidney then fuck off. I think if he wants to donate he can if she’s tested and considered it as well.

But if he wants to donate he has too. Your relationship won’t survive, and neither will your husband if a child dies because he didn’t do this, as messed up as it is.

if this were your child on dialysis instead of another woman’s, what would you want him to do then?

Don’t be so selfish. Absolutely shameful.

"What you can’t do is tell DH whether he can or cannot get tested. He might not be a match. In which case all of this goes away. It might not be his child (although I suspect he & you are probably pretty sure it is). I imagine the child’s mum reached out as a last resort. All you can do is be honest with each other but ultimately, it will be your DH decision to make once all of the information is available to him."

This is how it is. As a previous poster said, it's his decision as an adult with capacity. Some might think he'd have to be quite lacking in compassion to just let the child suffer / die without even exploring the possibility of helping.

I know what a huge shock this is OP as this happened to my DH (without the added complication of organ donation) and why you are reacting this way but it is up to your DP if he gets tested and ultimately if he donates as they are his organs to decide about. I'd ask him to get a DNA test first though.

So you'd let a 13 yo die incase your baby needed the kidney in the future? Fucking hell.

@Born2 it's terrible timing, but you are still being 'unreasonable' (to put it politely)

The chances of it matching if the child isn't his son is so small you could say zero.

the child is going to die if he doesn't get a donor. DIE. He's 13, he's angry & scared. Of course he's saying he doesn't need a Dad, that's never been interested in him (your DH says he didn't know about him but that may not be what the child has been told..

Surely you gave friends who can help with your other kids & support you. If not you can pay someone.

Surely number 1 is paternity test. Then, after the results of that, the question of donor testing can be looked at in context.

Up to DP but I can see how this news is massively unwelcome and unpleasant for you on lots of levels. First thing would presumably be making sure the child is actually his? Your DP also needs to understand his responsibilities to you and his new child, and make arrangements so that whatever he does minimises impact for you both. You might need to find someone professional to talk this all through with though as it will be a headfuck.

That's fucking pathetic, you don't play games like that with a child's life.

(edited out a comment as I hadn't seen one of the OP's posts )

I don't believe the mother hasn't been tested.

I really don't believe that at all.

I understand you are probably in shock as neither of you knew he had a son, however given the serious circumstances of all this I feel you should be supporting your partner with his decision to want to get tested.

The testing process is lengthy and one, however I imagine the first things they will want to know are if the blood group and tissue type are a match. Once this has been established he will be tested further, CT scans, ultrasounds, GFR, DMSA tests etc and also a need to undergo an assessment by an independent asser. This is likely to take weeks, in our case it took months, by which point you will have had your baby.

Other things to consider are, the mother may have a health condition which means she cannot donate full stop, therefore hasn't gone through the testing process. Is this condition which causes the kidney problems genetic?

There should be counselling support available from the hospital, but ultimately if this is something your partner is willing to do and therefore save a life then you need to be there by his side to support him and his son.

Would anyone thrilled to be OP in this scenario?! Of course they wouldn’t! If it was so urgent then why hadn’t the mum been tested? Mum also doesn’t sound like Miss reliable or honest either. Things are going wasay to quickly, the starting point is surely a DNA test?

An awful lot of posters on this thread seem to have already concluded that he is the father without proof.

Before ANYTHING else is done, a paternity test must be carried out.

IF he is your DPs son, then you can go from there.

Maybe there's no point? She may have given him the condition that makes it impossible.

This poster don’t say they would let a kid die. Dial down the drama

#didnt say

*didn't say

I do get how you feel but try to see it another way. Imagine one of your kids needed transplant and the only person who could save them couldn’t because his partner didn’t want him to for the same/ different good reason. How would you feel then? You have to let your partner make this call and support their decision

This.

Of course it's relevant. You're claiming this man did nothing for his child growing up.
He grew up without his father and his father did nothing for him due to the choices of his mother.
Stop making excuses for shitty parents.

Hard agree with this.

He's a child, you want to deny him the potential for life saving treatment because he's inconvenient to you?

YABVU

Wait what? You are okay with a child - his child, if it's a match - dying to have more convenience?

I hope this was a first panic reaction that you'll soon regret because that's really rather abhorrent.