To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

[Born2]

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

This is good advice. There will be a donation specialist service he can talk to as this is a very big decision for him personally as well as you both and also the son. As PP have said, it would be good for DP to understand more about the illness, is it genetic for example? What are the implications for both donor and recipient if it doesn't work out? Not all donations are successful.

In addition to all of this, DP has to process the fact that he thought he was about to become a father but is in fact already one. That's also a lot for everyone to deal with.
Please encourage him to access the necessary support to make the right decisions. None of us can do that for him

Very sad for you OP. While it was no doubt a shock for you all, I would've taken pride in the father of my children to be the sort of man who would try and help his son, a son that he knew nothing about.

Instead you react like this? As I said, I feel sad for you. I very much hope that they are a match, save a poor 14 year old kids life is something to be very proud of and I hope they manage to create some sort of good relationship going forward.

Even if he is a suitable donor they won't be prepping him for surgery next week - given the unusual circumstances (of not knowing about his son) the transplant team should insist on time for him to reflect and discuss through the pros and cons. They have to make sure he's not being coerced & is actually the dad and not a random being paid for organ harvesting (this does happen). People can survive on dialysis for years although it's gruelling and has many complications. Someone has to be stable enough to have surgery. So this won't happen fast.

Removing a kidney is a bigger op than receiving one so it's not a minor procedure, but if I were you I would 100% be encouraging DP to be screened as a possible donor.

YABU, anyone decent would do this. I get it's a shock, but in the circumstances you need to put that to one side. You can't stop your DP and neither should you try to.

Not your decision to make.

You should be supporting your partner with whatever he decides to do, I imagine this has been an awful shock for him.

It's his body and his choice.

You have zero right to interfere and try to pressure him to say no.

This is testing. If he's a match, he can donate a kidney and likely save a child's life. Hemodialysis is no fun and not much of a life.

It's not like he's going to die from donating an organ. What is your real problem with this, that he's possibly got another child out there?

You're going to have to step up and do more independently than you originally planned. But the shit is hitting the fan for this teen and your husband is doing the right thing. He can hire in home help.

I agree about the paternity test. If he's not the father then there's no need for anything else and he doesn't have to feel guilty. If he is the father then he can find out the next steps, talk to the relevant medical professionals and have counselling.

It's understandable that you're reacting to a shock, but letting his child die would be appalling.

The kid is innocent. It's not his fault if his mum never told his dad about him; that's all on her. I know he shouldn't say things like he "doesn't need a dad", but again, he shouldn't be blamed. We hear about feckless fathers all the time, but it is absolutely not his fault if he didn't know, and if it was physically possible for me to be in his position, I would definitely do all I could to save my child.

I can’t imagine a scenario where a parent wouldn’t want to help their child.
If it was your child that was ill op would you refuse to help them?

It takes a long time from testing if you are a match to actually donating a kidney and there is lots of hoops to jump and lots of chances to back out. (And the recipient won't know why you back out either, eg if you dont match or changed your mind.) I think he should start the process. At 14 he will be a priority for deceased donors so might get a new kidney sooner than any live donation.

You are willing to let a child die cos you think you won’t cope post partum?

This is life and death op .
You will cope ,,is having help with newborn really more important than potentially saving a childs life ,?
Let him get tested and take it form their .

YABU, irrespective of your DP being a father to a child he didn’t know about, he has the possibility of saving this child’s life!

The father has already got a child with OP, she’s expecting their second.

Are you absolutely sure he didn’t know @Born2 ? Among everything else I’d have questions over why the mother kept this from him for so long. It’s a a huge shock for you either way, so understandable you might need time to process.

It’s not your decision whether he tests or donates, but it would heartless to try to dissuade him. If someone else had the potential to save your child’s life you’d want them to, wouldn’t you? Regardless of the inconvenience.

Very much this. It's now possible he could have 3 children who could/will require a transplant. This is obviously a very complex issue.

Presumably he's the father, the first thing should be a paternity test to be sure

This.

Live kidney donation is a big deal, but it’s absolutely something he should explore if he wants to. He can speak to the transplant coordinator at the boys hospital to find out more about the process. Nothing will be done urgently - the tests will take weeks if not months. They will robustly assess his physical and mental health to check he is suitable to donate. Part of this will definitely be checking he’s the Dad - he’s highly unlike to be a match if not anyway.

There is support out there for would be donors. I registered as one myself for my husband and went through all the tests etc. it doesn’t have to be a huge deal for him. Just one step at a time

I would take the boy's words about not wanting/needing a Dad with a huge pinch of salt! I never knew my father and knew very little about him as my Mum would get cross if I asked. I got very used to saying 'I don't want/need a Dad' and would have said I didn't want to meet him but this was only because I felt like I had to be loyal to my mum and I'd been repeating that stance my whole childhood.

He will also be nervous of potential rejection and saying he doesn't need a dad might be a self- preservation thing.

Aside from all of that, whatever mess led to your DH not knowing about his child - that is irrelevant now. Your DH has a chance to save his child's life - whatever else happens down the line relationship wise is secondary. How could you ask him not to do that?! How could you want to have a family with a man who wouldn't?

You didn't ask for your world to be turned upside down like this and I'd definitely recommend turning to a therapist/friend for support for yourself. But there is no way your relationship can remain unchanged by this unfortunately - either he does it and you have to be supportive or he doesn't and he may resent you.

Just to repeat - would you want to build a family with a man who wouldn't at least try to save his own child?!

What an awful way for your DP to find out he’s a father and has been deprived of being in his Sons life. He should do the test at least. If he doesn’t and a deceased donor can’t be found in time, how on earth do you live with that? He’s his flesh and blood, (most likely).

I do understand though. I may well need a kidney transplant myself at some point (have a rare illness) & I too don’t want a living donor- I don’t think it would be fair to ask my children for instance. It’s terrifying on both sides of the fence.

As someone has already said, you need to find out if the kidney disease is genetic and if your husband is a carrier.

Horrible situation, I hope it works out for all concerned.

Surely if all three of your children might have a genetic condition that meant they could need a kidney, you would donate to the first one who actually developed the condition and needed the transplant right now? I don’t think I would allow DS1 to die just in case DS2 got ill.

What those posters are suggesting is that this child is actually worth less than OP’s children. Which is abhorrent.

It’s not your decision and I think you should not get involved at all. If you try to stop him doing it he might end up hating you. A child’s life is more important than having some help with a newborn. Plenty of people manage without any help.

Your husband has to live with whatever he decides for the rest of his life, this needs to be his decision alone.

But then you could argue-
say he says no. The condition is passed by him. His eldest with op needs a kidney. Should he say no to them because the youngest might need a kidney and he won’t have another to donate?

you’re assuming he would even be a match for his two children with op.

Yes he has one kidney to donate. Why should this child’s life have any less value than his other children. It’s not his fault his dad didn’t know he existed.

My apologies if I have understood this incorrectly but are you saying that it doesn't matter if he actually is the father, he should just volunteer to donate to a random child?