Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

443 replies

Born2 · 07/01/2026 21:08

Bit of a unusual one.

Been with dp for 3 years and we have a 2yo and I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

Last week he received an message on FB from his ex, telling him he had a son, now 13/14 and he needed a kidney transplant and asked dp to test if he was a match. DP didn't know about him but he went to visit him in hospital today. He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that.

Seeing how unwell he was dp wants to test to see if he's a match but I don't. Especially as dp wouldn't have known about him if it wasn't for this, he doesn't know 100% he is the dad! And its an urgent op so ill likely give birth while he's still recovering and it's a big op so he won't be much use. I don't have family support etc. The Mum said she can't do it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nancylancy · 07/01/2026 22:16

For those saying of course he should - that's very easy to say, but the reality I am sure is very different.
If course it seems like a no brainer that you should save a child's life - when you put it like that.
If someone asked me to donate an organ for a stranger, I'd need to know what the implications would be on my health, my family, my children and our future. I'd want to know the likelihood of it being successful to be able to weigh up the risks and benefits, and if there was a risk to my health - what impact would this have on my ability to work, to provide for my family and other children? Could I die on the table and leave my own children without their parent?
I'd love to say that regardless of who it was, if I could save a child's life I would. Even if it was a total stranger and they weren't biologically mine, I'd love to say I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do it. But would I put my own children first? 100%. I'd take my time to really think about it and ensure I knew the full implications for all involved, before deciding.
Testing doesn't obligate him to donate though - so there is no reason he can't test to see if he's a match in the first place.

It's valid to feel angry that this person kept your DPs child from him all these years and is only now getting in touch to ask a huge sacrifice. It's valid to feel worried about the impact on you, and to not want him to do it.

I hope your DH makes the right choice for both him, you, and the child.

StrawberrySquash · 07/01/2026 22:16

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 22:12

I don’t think bodily autonomy means what you think it means. Bodily autonomy means that nobody - not the state, not the hospital, not OP and certainly not us - should be able to take this decision out of this man’s hands. It does not mean that we can’t have a low opinion of a man who chooses not to help save the life of his own child.

The inalienable right to choose doesn’t mean being protected from all the social consequences of our choices.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, but if I said I wanted an abortion, most of Mumsnet would have a poor opinion of someone who jumped on me saying I was duty bound to carry the child.

In reality if I were in this chaps situation I'd find it hard to walk away. But it is still his body.

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 22:16

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 07/01/2026 22:14

I presume you have a low opinion of the mother for not being tested?

Show quote history

I don’t know whether there are medical reasons why she hasn’t done it, that information hasn’t been provided. If it is the case that she just doesn’t want to…then yes, I find that utterly unfathomable.

Binus · 07/01/2026 22:20

OP I would think as a priority you need to find out what the condition is and if it might be genetic. Because that could have an impact on birth plan and newborn care. Will you need to be in a place with particular facilities, will extra tests be needed?

Tammygirl12 · 07/01/2026 22:22

It’s a bit odd you said it might not even be his child. Why would the mum want your partner to get tested if he wasn’t the dad. It’s literally because she thinks they have the same dna that she’s been in touch.

would be a long shot for her to bother if it was another man’s child.

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 22:22

EarthSight · 07/01/2026 22:13

@StrawberrySquash This. I think there's a lot of projecting going on from women who are thinking of their own child in this situation, and what it would feel like having to deal with their own ex for something potentially life changing for their child, something that might be blocked by his new partner & how distressing that would be.

I think that’s a rather patronising assumption. I don’t have an ex, I’ve been with DH for 34 years. I think people are capable of making the imaginative leap to a situation not identical to their own, and most normally socialised people would take a dim view of a father who refused to consider saving his own child’s life, the only thing he’s been able to offer that child in 13 years of his life. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is that he hasn’t been able to do anything for him; he’s his son, and he can at least attempt to help him now.

1980isitjustme · 07/01/2026 22:23

Surely there must be some other reason why the mum hasn’t been tested if that is true. I can’t believe any mother would refuse.

My exBF had a kidney transplant at 21 and it’s still going strong nearly 30 years later. I signed up for a donation card due to that but until that point I don’t think I realised how few donations there actually are - being willing to donate in the event of your death is all well and good but unless the circumstances of your death mean you are on a life support machine you are very unlikely to be able to donate anyway. A live family donor is always a better possibility but it is a difficult process.

HPFA · 07/01/2026 22:23

If this is Alport syndrome the mother might well be ineligible to donate -carriers can sometimes develop symptoms of the condition themselves.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 07/01/2026 22:24

Tammygirl12 · 07/01/2026 22:22

It’s a bit odd you said it might not even be his child. Why would the mum want your partner to get tested if he wasn’t the dad. It’s literally because she thinks they have the same dna that she’s been in touch.

would be a long shot for her to bother if it was another man’s child.

Reading OP's last update it's not really that odd as it seems like she's lied in the past. Perhaps she doesn't know who the father is, which he needs to have a paternity test before going any further.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 07/01/2026 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

saraclara · 07/01/2026 22:27

The first question that needs answering is why the mother hasn't been tested.

So many people are jumping on OP when it looks rather as though the mother is the one who should be facing the hard questions.

WearyAuldWumman · 07/01/2026 22:27

outerspacepotato · 07/01/2026 22:08

But it:s extremely unlikely.

And this is the initial testing. He might not be a match or there might be medical conditions that would contraindicate his donating.

But it's his decision as an adult with capacity.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Skybluepinky · 07/01/2026 22:29

Of course he should test and donate if he is a match.

WearyAuldWumman · 07/01/2026 22:29

fashionqueen0123 · 07/01/2026 22:15

This sounds crazy to me. His ex lied about an abortion. Told your partner to lie to the child even when visiting! And hasn’t got tested but has asked him?!
Id say I’ll get tested once you do. I’d find the whole thing hard to believe tbh. She sounds like a piece of work.

Yes, I'm wondering why the mother hasn't been tested.

Namechangerage · 07/01/2026 22:30

His body his choice, but I would want to do a paternity test too if I were him. It’s a lot to donate a kidney so I’d want to know if I was really a parent first.

Noshadelamp · 07/01/2026 22:30

He's on dialysis and is really unwell but he told dp that he “doesn't need a dad” and that was that. @Born2

You can't honestly think that means your dp doesn't need to do anything?

You are grasping at straws if you think this means your dp isn't needed.

What the child needs is a matching kidney, and there's a chance it could come from his biological father.

ThreeSixtyTwo · 07/01/2026 22:30

I understand you don't like the situation.
However, in the end, he has just learnt that he has a child and he will want to and need to react to that. And yes, he might decide to do it. He might decide he wants to spend time with his son.

The good thing is, that if he isn't the boys father, he probably won't match. And he definitely shouldn't go for a several donors exchange without knowing for sure that the boy is his

Tiswa · 07/01/2026 22:31

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 07/01/2026 22:12

I agree with this. No way should he go any further without a paternity test.

Show quote history

The chances of him being a match without being the father are much much less so if he was a match that would clear up if he was the father

@Born2 this is his choice and one HE needs to live with. If he wants to you need to support this

Ella31 · 07/01/2026 22:35

I know its a huge shock but we are talking about saving a life here, This could be your child if the shoe was on the other foot. It may not be convienient for you because it's not your child but dont ever assume that you or your own are immune from situations like this and maybe someday you will need the kindness of others.

Obviously wait for a paternity test too

tryinghi778 · 07/01/2026 22:37

OP if your husband is a match and does go ahead for the transplant it won’t be tomorrow. There are a lot of tests etc that will need to be done and a date will be agreed dialysis is no life and if it is his child he should so all to step up- and what a great man he is for getting tested! Yes he should have been told about his son- but he wasn’t but now the situation is here. Every op holds risk but if he’s fit and healthy then u should support him.

fashionqueen0123 · 07/01/2026 22:39

WearyAuldWumman · 07/01/2026 22:29

Yes, I'm wondering why the mother hasn't been tested.

Show quote history

I mean surely you’d do that before going on Facebook..
And then the gall to ask him to lie

Daytimetellyqueen · 07/01/2026 22:39

RobertaFirmino · 07/01/2026 22:10

This all sounds as dodgy as hell.

Why hasn't the mother been tested? Wouldn't she be first to offer?

I'm not sure I'm buying this and would urge your DH to get a paternity test done asap.

Show quote history

This!

dgwhatisthis · 07/01/2026 22:43

DNA test and have him tested to be a donor. If he isn't a match for donation, that makes it easy and he'll never have to wonder what could have been if the child doesn't make it through.

If he is a match, then you need to support your DH to make whatever decision he can live with. He is the one that has to live with the results of his decision. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision. He can decide not to donate for whatever reason is right to him. He can decide to donate if he couldn't live with not doing so, or for any reason.

You can tell DH your opinion but, in the end, it's him that has to live with this, so his decision.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2026 22:43

sprigatito · 07/01/2026 21:31

I’d think very little of a man who didn’t step up and do this for a child for whom he has done nothing else. Would you want him to do it for your child? Would you think twice about doing it for your child?

Whose fault is that? He didn’t know the boy existed!

Bushmillsbabe · 07/01/2026 22:43

I think number 1 is getting tested. Being tested doesn't mean he has to donate, it just means he can. Hospitals have psychological support to help your partner make the decision if he does turn out to be a match. I'm sure it all feels huge right now, but take it 1 step at a time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread