TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it
You say higher up that the baby wasn't planned nor wanted. Why would you resent him if that is the case? It wouldn't be fair on him. The decision to keep the baby would be driven by you. Having a termination would put you back where you were.

I think it would be impossible to predict how you would handle that. Most people I know who found themselves in this situation have no regrets terminating. I, myself, was just thinking about this yesterday and five years on I am confident in my decision.
You do have quite a bit longer than three weeks to decide if you needed more time. But when you go for the termination, the providers have to make sure you are absolutely confident that this is what you want. And if there is any doubt, they simply won't do it and will be obliged to give you more time to think.
I would probably be inclined to seek some counselling to help you think this through. You speak as though not having a baby will somehow affect your life's purpose. But you are and always will be a mum to your existing children.

Personally I find the thought of having a termination because having another child would affect the number of holidays the family can afford repugnant.

if you have a termination because of your H's priorities your marriage will be permanently affected. Unless you yourself really want the termination I think you would be very unwise to go ahead with it.

I don’t know if that’s how I would feel, but I do know that if when I told him about this pregnancy, despite it not being planned, he reacted as though it was a joyful surprise, I would probably be inclined to keep it. Therefore if we end it, I fear that I will feel that decision was driven by him and his feelings as I myself feel totally 50/50 on what to do. Does that make sense?

Thank you, it’s helpful to hear you know people who have been in this situation who don’t feel regret. I think you’re right about seeking some counselling I just worry about how long that may take.

You are right about my existing children and ultimately all I want to do is make the choice that’s best by them. They are here already and have to be my priority.

I went through with a termination due to my dh not wanting another child and it’s a huge regret. It was something I’d always said I wouldn’t do personally and I do think about that baby often. They would turn 3 this month if I hadn’t terminated.
Only you can decide what is right for your body. Take your time making your decision and make sure it’s what you are happy with.

Whilst I appreciate you taking the time to reply, I think your wording is unkind.

I used holidays as one standalone example of things my existing kids would miss out on (and it’s valid, they’ve always wanted to go to Disneyland and we’d saved to go this year but that would have to be put on pause). But the financial implications aren’t limited to holidays alone, it’s everything else they wouldn’t be able to have - plus having parents who are constantly stressed about money.

I agree though that I need to be confident in my choice. That’s why I’ve posted here to try and get some comments from people with lived experience.

Thanks this is what I am worried about. I’m sorry you have been through that.

If your two existing children find out that you terminated a sibling for their benefit think of the guilt they will suffer. Helicopter parenting is a modern menace as it is. Think of all the responsibilities they’ll learn from looking out for a younger one. They will probably grow up being responsible and empathetic. No education can buy such a fantastic opportunity.

There are no right or wrong answers here. A baby needs to be a choice made with your head as well as your heart.

finances are a big part of raising children and the poster calling you repugnant is out of order. If you can’t afford holidays with three can you afford the school trips and extracurriculars?

Sorry but this is complete nonsense.you have no idea how older siblings would react to a new sibling.

Op I sympathise. Remember this is not just a new baby but a new toddler, a new child a new teenager a new adult and all of the responsibilities that come with that. I'm not trying to put you off but just try and think long term. How would this affect your work etc.
Obviously it's down to you at the end of the day but would you be prepared to do it alone?
I don't personally think it's fair to bring a child into the world when both parents aren't on board. But I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your family.

I have previously had a termination, in my late teens. It was absolutely the right decision and logically I have no regrets but i still feel huge shame and guilt about it. I always told myself I wouldn’t have another, particularly as any future pregnancies would be my children’s siblings (I don’t know why that makes me feel differently but it does). But now I already have 3 I don’t think I have it in me to have another so it’s something I’d definitely consider. You need to be as certain of your decision as possible, best of luck x

I am currently pregnant with an unplanned child. Our eldest is is 17 months. My partner didn't initially have the best reaction. We did initially want a second but decided it was better not to owing to our age. We are now moving to a bigger property and it's all very expensive and exciting. I thought about abortion but we never discussed it. Your answer is the right one. There is no way I'd trade a child for a trip to Disney though.

Ignoring the parts about future job insecurity, cost of living in general and time with existing children being compromised to take a pot shot?

That's repugnant.

On what basis do you claim this is nonsense? Ask many an older sibling if they wished their younger sibling was terminated in all seriousness and most will agree they value the little baby of the family.

Cannot speak for myself, but a friend of mine was in a very similar position, she said she had just got her life and finances to a balance, with 'enough' money to have a good life. We had long long discussions about the pros and cons of having her third, she went ahead with the pregnancy and now has a very happy and healthy 2 year old, and often says to me that she is thankful that we had those chats - I never told her to terminate or otherwise, just was a safe place to process this - she does say that going through with the termination would have been something she could not live with - but she is saying that with a 2 year old that she now has.
I get the feeling from your post, that you want this pregnancy deep down but are understandably scared of the future.
I hope you come to a decision which is right for you and your family.

Obviously, OP, it's your choice. However, it worries me that you say that "having babies is your whole life's purpose". If you have this new baby, then what happens the next time? It sounds like you need to make some plans to broaden your life experience so that you aren't left high and dry when your children get older and need you less/leave home.

Op was using holidays as one example. It’s not just holidays, it’s everything. Part of being parents is wanting to give the best life and opportunities that you can for your DCs, and giving them those opportunities to develop and have a good start in life. For us, holidays, extracurricular activities, family days out, good high quality food are all important to our DCs childhood and quality of life, as are us saving for their futures, being able to pay towards university or other courses, tutors if they need it. That would be compromised if we were to have a 3rd child and I’m not willing for that to happen through our own making, and so in OPs position I would have thy e termination.

Are you always so judgmental? It’s clear to most people what the OP meant when she used a holiday as an example but for some reason you’ve twisted it to make her look shallow and materialistic.

Best life and opportunities aren't always material. The joy and experience they would gain from having a much younger sibling the understanding of caring for someone who is small and vulnerable.
It wasn't easy trying to juggle the needs of a toddler with the activities of pre teens (year seven and five so different schools) and holidays were often camping but they thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of not being stuck in airports

It’s completely legitimate to terminate because you wouldn’t have the resources to give three children a decent life. It’s not just about material possessions or holidays, it’s about the impact of being poor (stress, worry, lack of space, constant working) on the whole family.

However, it’s an emotional decision as well as a rational one and it’s ok to have the baby even if that wouldn’t be the most sensible decision on paper.

Neither is the right or wrong answer, they are just two different options. Take your time - abortion providers offer counselling so do get in touch with them. It doesn’t mean you have to go through with termination.

There is nothing wrong with prioritizing the children and family unit you have now over a pregnancy that is neither planned nor wanted. The financial impact does matter, and a sibling isn’t inherently something that will be looked at positively. The potential for regret comes with every decision you make in life - including the decision to have children. That doesn’t mean you have to allow it to paralyze you.

Think about how much your children would benefit from another sibling!
I have lots of siblings and we never did big holidays or had expensive clothes/toys but I wouldn't have changed a thing!
I remember my youngest sibling growing up and how much it taught me and the sheer joy of being around a small child whilst being at the other end of childhood!
Money worries can be significant but don't let that cloud your judgement as it's so transient and could change at any point for the better too.
As much as you want to prioritise your two children that are 'already here' the sibling is here too, although very tiny.