TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

Whatever you decide I hope your husband is booking his vasectomy asap. It seems this could have been avoided if he’d taken more responsibility.

You have had some good advice on this thread - plus some biased opinions. However it's up to you how you proceed.

IF this was me, given what you have said about job insecurities and financial situations, then I would consider the termination. You have two DC who are heading into more independent years. Which is great.

Take a little time and think carefully about what you, DH and your DC want in the future years.

Good luck

Your 2 children need to be your priority here and yes examples like holidays and experiences you give them are very important. My best memories are all the holidays I had with my sibling that our parents took us on. If we'd had another subiling those lovely memories wouldn't have happened as my parents wouldn't have been able to afford them.

My sil had a situation like yours, 2 girls who were similar ages just a bit older and as far as her husband was concerned they were done with the children they had. She 'accidentally' got pregnant again and he wasn't keen, wanted her to have a termination but she decided she wanted the baby so he supported her. Its been very up and down since new child arrived 2 years ago- older children aren't overly interested in younger sibling as they are a bit of a hindrance due to the age gap and the marriage is in a shaky peg as he's absolutely resentful at times of the stress this added child has brought to them financially. Their situation is slightly different in that they were having problems before new baby and he and the family firmly believe there was nothing accidental about the pregnancy on her part. He was thinking of ending the marriage but was finding that difficult with the 2 kids, now he really feels stuck and doesn't want to uproot the lives of 3 kids

Her concern about her kids living with parents who are constantly worried about money with both at potential risk of redundancy is not 'materialistic.'

I've just gone through this myself at 5 weeks

we already have 3 children

we don't have the money for a big enough car , enough bedrooms for 4 children . We just don't have enough finances full stop for 4 children . People will say ' oh you will manage ' but I really don't think we could .

I also did not want to carry on a pregnancy at 41, I've been through several miscarriages and I just didn't feel I had it in me to carry on .

I was also concerned about abnormalities with the baby as my partner is nearly 47.

I also felt fairly confident the pregnancy wouldn't be successful anyway . I know my body and my symptoms were barely there which is how it was with all my miscarriages

we spent a week of soul searching , writing list of pros and cons . there was a lot of tears.

I do feel a whole host of emotions and I do feel resentment to my husband Which I know isn't rational but he isn't left with the mental aftermath like I am . Deep down I feel
it was the right decision but I still very sad about it all and I wish it hadn't of happened .

you will not make the wrong decision, whatever you choose will be the right one.
we are here whichever way you choose. Hugs

That's unnecessary. OP wasn't asking for personal moral stances on abortion.

Personally, I think that considering existing family member needs and comfort should always be part of the process of considering a termination. How fair is it on existing children to limit their experiences if having another, unplanned, baby puts the family into a financial zone where things are very tight?

This is a 6 week pregnancy (which actually means the embryo has gestated for 4 weeks. It isn't remotely sentient, it's incapable of mature processes like pain, it barely has a heartbeat. Those are all scientific facts.). It would be relatively simple to terminate at this stage, and not just because it's a very simple procedure however it's done - at 6 weeks most women would be less committed to the idea than at, say, 12 weeks.

Only the OP knows if her feelings about having another baby would damage her relationship/life. Nobody else can possibly have anything useful to say to the OP's specific situation, only generalities.

OP, it's a very hard choice for you, I do see that. All the very best luck in whatever you decide to do.

I'm not disputing OP may have valid concerns.
I commented on the foreign holidays issue because I personally found that inexplicable and upsetting and certainly gives the impression of an extremely materialistic view of life . Especially as it was the first point OP talked about and therefore must be important in their lives.

It’s hardly ‘extremely materialistic’ to value the experiences and opportunities that having money affords. I absolutely value the things that my parents having money provided to me, and those things have served me not just in childhood but into my adulthood also. I would not have traded that for an extra sibling.

NC for this. You have to take your husband's feelings into account as well as your own OP. If he insisted on you going ahead with the pregnancy against your wishes, how would you feel? There is nothing you need to feel guilty about if you decide to terminate the pregnancy.
I was in the same position as you and I had an abortion, it is sad at the time yes but that's all, no torment, why would there be. Sad, because in an ideal world the more kids the better, but you have to put your existing kids first. I've never felt guilty, no way could we have thrived as a family any other way. Guilt is just not the reality for mature women who already have older kids when they terminate an unexpected pregnancy, because we know know how much they take out of you physically and mentally, and how hard it would be without the wholehearted support of a partner. Plus the very real financial hardship we risk, as women left holding the baby if the man leaves. We make the decision for the good of everyone.
You and your kids will have a much more comfortable life without an unwanted (by your DH) additional child. You will risk your marriage too. There is nothing wrong with wanting your kids to have holidays for goodness sake.
All the "babies are a blessing" folk won't be struggling for money, run ragged, with a husband who will forever resent you, either. If you'd really wanted another child you would have planned it I think.

How far would you carry that, though? Is it ALWAYS better to have more children than financial stability? How poor should a family become before you would be more understanding about their resource to abortion services?

Clearly here, they're talking about not having foreign holidays, they're not on the breadline. But ...

That's unnecessary. OP wasn't asking for personal moral stances on abortion.

My moral stance on abortion? I whole heartedly support a woman's right to choose. Including OP's right.

That doesnt't mean to say I don't have a personal view point on materialism. Actually I feel that it is probably better to terminate a pregnancy if that child is going to be born into a home where it is of secondary importance to foreign holidays. One of the win win situations of abortion is to help ensure it will be born into a loving home and not one where it's presence will be resented.
But as you rightly say the decision is up to OP. And what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

I'm shocked by how many women feel that men should be able to demand their partners get abortions -- hardly a feminist stance.

Many of the reasons given in the thread above are completely valid reason for not having children (holidays, job security, money to spend on existing children) but shouldn't the bar be higher when considering termination?

Like it or not, this child already exists and that changes the whole conversation. You are not considering the pros and cons of a hypothetical extra child, but whether to allow an existing foetus to grow into the child it will become. I think to deny that child the possibility of life, your circumstances have to be more serious (abusive partner, no job, no home etc).

Yes I agree, the only abhorrent thing about this is someone judging a woman who loves her existing kids and wants the best for them. I really hope the OP isn't taking his/her views on board.

My gut feeling is that you if you terminate you will massively resent your DH in time. You won't be able to help it, it'll eat you up. Best financial decision or not.

Fortunately, you don't get to decide which reasons are "good enough" so you're not really being much use here.

Any reason?

What about sex selective abortion?

Why am I an unpleasant person?
I fully support OP's right to chose. What is " judgemental " and " abhorrant" about that?

What if you didn't want another girl? Would that be a good enough reason for you? Or because your partner is coercing you (which i feel is the case here, however gently), or because you've found out your child has a cleft lip?

Either you are happy with these reasons for termination or you, like most people, judge whether a reason is good enough. You just judge differently.

The "any reason is a good enough reason" is a very morally dubious argument.

And besides, isn't that precisely what the OP is asking - are these good enough reasons to terminate an existing life? Your answer is yes, mine is no.

Yes, the pregnant woman should have a choice, end of. That is what choice means. Others' views are not relevant.
The OP has not mentioned sex selective abortion?

You don’t support her right to choose, you support her right to choose within the confines of what you believe is a legitimate reason.

I think wanting to take your children on holiday, and give them life experiences is perfectly fine. I also thinking getting an abortion because you don’t want a baby is fine.

Would I have a baby in this situation? Nope. I have a Child (young person) with a disability, and know that strain that puts in a family, you have to take into account that the risk increases as you get older.

"Morally dubious" is forcing a woman to have an unwanted baby, and people do indeed judge that.

"any reason" a morally repugnant argument. I don't think the OP should listen to anyone who has that stance.

So you would support:

Termination because the baby is a girl
Termination because my partner is coercing me (which is the case here, however gently).
Termination because the baby has a cleft lip and will have a scar and i don't want an ugly baby?

That's not someone whose advice i would listen to.

Either you trust women to make decisions about their own bodies, or you don’t.

Female bodily autonomy should be a non-negotiable

So abortion because of a cleft lip isn't morally dubious? Or abortion because you don't want a girl isn't morally dubious?