TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

OP I had an unplanned third pregnancy. My marriage was in a shite place. It wasn’t the right timing at all.
message me if you want to.

I was 10 weeks and went to an abortion clinic at my husbands suggestion - I felt so tired and sick I couldn’t think straight. The offered me a surgical abortion on the other side of the country (requiring a hotel stay). I cried the whole appointment but then booked with another abortion clinic who had services available for over 10 weeks in my area. I booked the surgery but I was in a horrendous place (it was 10 days away) I couldn’t sleep I hated myself I prayed to my baby and I talked to my baby. It was bloody awful.

I got some counselling from a charity. I realised I just couldn’t personally do it. It would haunt me more than the difficulties faced from keeping the baby (possible as a single parent). I cancelled the surgery, my husband accepted the baby and now loves the to pieces and says he’s so glad we didn’t abort.

'My love'?

You seem to be missing the bit where the op has asked for opinions?
Should we all just parrot yes I agree, hmm?

🤣

No we shouldn't. But we shouldn't be guilt tripping her with made up moral rules either.

It really is. You don’t get to decide what other women do.

Made up moral rules such as please don't factor in holidays when making a decision? It's not moral rules it's common sense because i would bet a tenner the regret would put a bit of a dampener on trips tbh.

Obviously one of them needs to get sterilised going forward too.

The op is asking for opinions..

In your opinion. Doesn’t mean you are right. None of us have any right to dictate what another person does with their body.

She could factor in getting her nails done if she wants. Its got naff all to do with anyone else.

Shes asking for lived experiences and help with her decision not knob heads questioning her whys

I am done now anyway. This is not helping the OP. Who I hope to God isnt still reading the dross on this thread.

I hope OP left the thread long ago and doesn't return to this cat fight …

Tbh, I think OP you're incredibly smart thinking this through so well and the impact it would have on you all. Yes, finances should be taken into account of any decision making, children are very expensive and please don't feel bad by any comments negative on this. What you are deciding is a deeply personal issue and nobody other than hubby, should be part of what you plan to do together.

For my own experience, I won a place at university as a more 'mature' student aged 23. I didn't do so well at school, so I worked in the field I wanted to get into, really hard and studied at night school. Then I discovered I was pregnant, through the only one night stand I'd ever had. I terminated because having a child was not on my radar and I really didn't want to be a single parent and all the very hard struggles that brings. Even when I got ovarian cancer when I was 29/30 and lost the ability of children, I do not regret it. I sometimes wonder what may have been, but that decision was right for me at the time.

Failed contraception aside, both are responsible.

I think about what I would do in this situation often as my kids are teens now. I have always been pro choice but quietly always said to myself I could never terminate but that has changed recently. I have spent many years raising my children and I just don't know if I would be physically or mentally able enough to go all the way back again.

I do know a woman who had a surprise baby at 50 though and they seem happy enough but they also have a large income.

It's really tricky. Personally, I think I could square it in my own mind if it was very early in the pregnancy. There is no right answer but I hope whatever you choose it works out ok for you x

There seems to be some spectacular missing of the point on this thread, and people using that to push their own (not very pro-choice) agenda. The OP is clearly a thoughtful person who is struggling with a difficult choice, she wants to make the best decision for her, her husband and her existing children - which includes being able to provide experiences and a higher quality of life for them. I honestly think that should be applauded and not condemned.

You don’t support her right to choose, you support her right to choose within the confines of what you believe is a legitimate reason.

You are putting words into my mouth.
I fully support OP's right to chose. Her body her choice. I expressed my personal repugnance on foreign holidays being more important than a potential child but if that is what OP wants to make her decision on that is her right. And in another post I said if foreign holidays are more important to her than the potential child then having an abortion would be the right decision.

As I, and pp have said, the most concerning thing about this situation is the pressure OP is getting from her H to terminate.

I can't speak from experience but I have thought about this a lot because my husband really does want a third and would be very happy if an accident occurred. However, I'm the more practical one. As secure as we are at the moment, we just couldn't afford the same lifestyle if we had a third. That includes holidays (and yes that is an absolute valid reason). Don't underestimate life experiences, hobbies and clubs, days out, all enrich a child's life. For me it's not about just having a baby, it's creating the whole life that goes with it - if you're lucky enough to be able to provide it. The biggest deciding factor for me however, would be my existing kids. They're a bit younger than yours and I think would love the idea of a baby in the family but obviously don't realise the reality of that. They are the best of friends and get on so well, I honestly don't think I could disrupt the perfectly balanced ecosystem we have going on.

Only you can decide what is right for your family and despite everything I've just said, I've no doubt a new baby would be loved and would enrich your lives but everyone has different priorities.

Absolute rot. The priorities of existing children should ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

I completely empathise as I think if I were to accidentally fall pregnant then I would be in exactly the same boat as you with regards to how my DH and I would feel.

I’ve not been in your situation (although have had a termination when younger at uni) but I think whatever you do, you need to make the decision alone and own it. I’m afraid it is your decision alone to make and to live with and your DH needs to be on board with that. Otherwise it risks being an issue in your marriage and that will impact your existing kids far more than an extra sibling would.

Best of luck.

Going from 2 children to 3 is huge especially when there is a large age gap, the impact is like going from no children to having children. All the mountain of equipment you need, the space it takes up. Will the older children have to now share a room ? So much to consider. Another child will impact the lives of all of you in every way and every day. Your Husband has concerns and he is right to have them but your feelings and thoughts are equal too. This isn't just about a cute baby this is about another child, a toddler, a school age child, a teen. Please focus on the big picture not just the very very short newborn stage. Good luck with whatever path you take x

That's an actual baby living in their house though. Obviously they aren't going to say they wish it wasn't aborted!

OP only you can make this decision. Not your DH and not strangers on the internet..

Surely you can see that this isn’t what the OP is saying though? She’s saying that if she has another child, then she looses the ability to provide those experiences for her existing children, something they’ve all clearly been looking forward to, as a family unit, and is worried about the potentially detrimental effects this would have for them all. To me that seems very valid, life isn’t about scraping by and existing, and a mother wanting to give her children the best possible life can only be viewed as a good thing.

But foreign holidays are important. Materialistic reasons are important. Having a baby isn't just about giving birth and hoping for the best. You should want to be able to give your kids all the things that enrich their childhoods and make them well-rounded adults. Obviously holidays was an example (or was obvious to the rest of us) but what about day trips, sports clubs, never having privacy in your home as a teenager because there just isn't enough space? I appreciate not everyone is in a position to do this for their kids but it is a valid concern.

What in the pro-life bullshit is this post?

Hi OP, i was in your situation 6 years ago, with an unplanned child (DD3). I absolutely didn't want to terminate and obviously didn't, but it essentially means our outgoings are very tight now and occasionally I feel a bit selfish in my decision. My DH and parents both said i should consider an abortion.

I agree with others to look at the bigger picture with regards to financial support, future health impact, job security etc as these are all the most important considerations. Having said this, i would have totally regretted a termination and couldnt imagine life now without our amazing and wonderful third child.

Best of luck, I hope you make the right decision for your family ❤️

Oh, this truly is nonsense. My mother has had abortions, plural (very normal in her country, and a constitutionally protected right) and I’ve never felt sadness or guilt over this. Why would I? She had the children she wanted, and didn’t have the ones she didn’t. I would not swap the life she, and my father, gave my brother and I for reduced circumstances and an extra sibling.

Like it or not money, and what it both provides and insulates against, is important.