TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

Or they won’t, and will associate a sibling with a worsened quality of life. Yet they often are. Financial difficulty is a huge stressor for families, and the impact of it goes beyond the material.

You really are an unpleasant person. The OP is having a difficult time, told you she found your first post rude and unhelpful so what do you do? Double down on your post and twist the knife.
Any reason a woman chooses to have an abortion is a valid one provided it is her choice. And providing a good standard of living for 2 existing children compared to the financial instability having a third would bring is not "abhorrent and upsetting".

My DSis was in the same position as you. Her third child is 17 now and she has no regrets despite the difficulties to start off with.

OP, around 16% of terminations in the UK are to married women. It is completely legitimate to decide not to continue with a pregnancy due to the impact on other children and concerns around job security and cost of living are something you should think about. Age also makes a difference with how high risk the pregnancy is to you and risk of a long term impact to your body, as well as the chances of the baby having chromosomal abnormalities. Only you can decide how you feel about keeping or ending the pregnancy but remember at the moment, it's not a baby. It's an embryo which if it keeps growing will eventually become a baby. I think the discussions to seek out some counselling to talk through your feelings are really a good idea.

Hi OP. I completely understand your feelings and how you've expressed them. From reading your post, you sound like you would miss the life you envisaged for you existing children if you continued with the pregnancy but also you have this feeling that you will regret the termination. Only you can know the right decision for your family and yourself but I just wanted to say I understand. I'm also experiencing an unwanted pregnancy but struggling with the idea of a termination but I know I would adore another potential baby beyond belief. It's a balancing act for sure. I feel some resentment towards my husband right now (even though he's supportive of any choice I make) because he's not the one who has to make the choice or live with the consequences and trauma of an abortion. My 3rd pregnancy was twins and they have absolutely made our lives so much better in all ways possible. But the thought of adding more is overwhelming.
Here to chat x

Depends how you define quality of life.

I'm not twisting anything.

I found the point about the holiday truly upsetting. I think people in general, and children in particular, are more important than life style decisions and money.

I think the truly concerning thing is that her H might be saying ultimately it's OP's decision but he is obviously exerting pressure on her to have the termination because of material considerations.

I fear OP won't come back to this thread - her head must be scrambled with the 'advice' and judgement.
OP if you read this - do what is best for YOU 💐

You can define it by stability if you like. By having parents that aren’t stressed and anxious about finances, that don’t have their attention diverted by a baby when they’re entering into the pre teen years.

Idont regret the two abortions I had at all. One child was all I could afford and if Id had them I would have had to give up my job and go into council housing. Money would have been a nightmare.
As it was I bought my own home and had a career. I still don't regret it at 64. Having more children would have finished my family.

Honestly, I think getting advice on here is the worst thing you can do. Posters will (unintentionally) sway you. This is such a huge, deeply personal thing that no one can advise on. You will likely get 50/50 answers, but no one is living your life, with your personality, your experiences, your finances, your children’s personalities etc. Absolutely no one can advise. Some will say it worked for them, some will say it didn’t, some live with regret, some don’t. You can only get your head around it by yourself really. Take your time day to day .. that may make a decision for you.

Then you’re free to make that decision for yourself, should you find yourself in OP’s position. Presumably you were marching for women to have a choice to make the decision for themselves, not to make the choice you would make or think best.

I wasn't rude to OP.

I expressed my view point that having foreign holidays being more important than the potential life if a child is abhorrent to me.

OP knows her own values. She has to make her decision based on those. On her own priorities.

I totally agree with you: it should be her decision, not her H's.

I think your husband is right. Practical and financial implications can't just be ignored. Unfortunately no one else can predict how guilty you'll feel in the future. But I think you'll feel guilty about the impact on your two older kids if you have the baby anyway. In your shoes I would terminate. I'd probably not feel great about it at the time but I'd know that it was for the best and as you enter the stage of tweens with more independence I think I'd be confident I made the right decision. But that's me, I make decisions with the less emotional side of my brain and not everyone is like that.

From reading your post, it sounds to me like deep down you want to keep the baby, and would if it weren’t for practical considerations with your existing children. Holidays are great and I don’t mean to diminish your reasons, but on the flip side gaining a sibling is also a life experience for your existing children. I know not everyone gets on with their siblings, but I think on balance most people’s lives are richer for having an extra close family member in it. I’m feeling the impact now as an adult of having a small nuclear family especially in times of family issues as parents are aging but also in celebrating happy times. I have one sibling who lives on a different continent. I’d trade a lot of past holidays for having one more!

A woman can get a termination for any reason.

I wouldnt hesitate. Because I dont want another baby. You don't need a reason at all. The op is trying to find the pros and cons. Holidays is just 1 aspect.

Your comment and short sighted view is what is repugnant.

And of course holidays is a valid reason. Plenty of people that choose not to have kids do so because they enjoy foreign travel! It's not really fair to say they're all 'choosing holidays over a potential life', they're being realistic about the impact of a baby on the things they enjoy most.

Exactly. A woman's right to choose. Her body her choice.

But OP started this thread because she feels it is a life style v emotions issue that she is facing. And therefore I have the right to express my opinion on one of her dilemmas which I find inexplicable : that having foreign holidays is more important than a potential life.

FWIW I’ve have a termination, and I’ve never experienced regret. It doesn’t have to be a monumental or traumatic experience.

Do you think you helped do you? Do you think what you said is what this woman, coming on here for help wanted to hear?

And that’s fine. Not wanting to disrupt the financial stability they have now, and what they can provide for their existing children with that, holidays included, is hardly a bad reason to not go ahead with having a third.

My older sister only likes me now, I'm 28 . My entire childhood she joked about wanting a cat but having to have a baby sister instead and that she'd sacrifice me for her cat.

I don't know what is short sighted about my view. I have repeatedly said it is OP's choice. And as you say she can decide to terminate her pregnancy for whatever reason she wants.

But that doesn't alter my view that I find having foreign holidays being more important than the potential life of a child repugnant. But if that is OP's view - and not just her H's - then she has every right to have that as one of her reasons for termination.

It’s a woman’s right to choose. Full stop. Not a woman’s right to choose as long as you agree with the reasons she’s making the choice. Some of the opinions on this thread are awful and I’m sure unhelpful to someone making a very serious and life changing decision.