TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

I think I view this as a first world problem. There is a big difference
in outlook between those whose life style sees any one who doesn't go on multiple holidays to foreign destinations as deprived to those of us who see holidays as fun and desirable if possible but not a necessity.

My view is you can provide a child with a happy , loving life style which is rich in experience , without throwing money at them. Foreign holidays aren't a necessity for providing a good life for a child in my view. A loving and supportive home environment is though.

This. You can't win, there's threads about people being irresponsible choosing to have a baby when there are real issues about future financial stability and then you have this thread where someone has read the op and incorrectly reduced it to that the op wants to go on holiday.

Ultimately the choice is yours and you do what feels correct for your and your family. You and your husband need to have a frank discussion and implications of both choices and you both need to be honest about how you may both have feelings of resentment.

I think the point is that money (if you have enough to have a child) shouldn't be used as a reason to terminate. Many children have happy and amazing childhoods that didn't go to Disneyland. This is an excuse.

Make a choice based on your feelings - everything else can be sorted out.

I think rather than catastrophising and thinking both options are shit, frame them both as good options and see which one you’re happier with. Taking the panic out of the situation makes it easier.

Lots of positives towards having a termination - more money, more attention for your existing children, you’ll have one child a lot younger than the other ones, you’ll have your own time back a lot sooner when your existing children are grown up. If you choose this option, then just remind yourself every day of why you chose it and don’t let yourself guilt spiral and beat yourself up about it. It’s an absolutely fine option to choose and nothing to feel guilty about.

However, you love being a mum and a new baby would be fine, you’d make it work somehow because once they’re here you kind of have to.

I never thought I could have a termination and I did. I don’t regret it for a second, years later I can see how it would have had a terrible impact on the children I already had. But that’s me, go with whichever option you think would be best long term for you and your marriage/family. Either is fine and you’ll be ok whatever happens.

I support the OPs decision for financial reasons. But this your friend's husband's siblings are crazy. What a toxic family.

I personally feel this is a very odd way of looking at reasons for termination.

Op may decide to terminate due to finances. Thats not on the other dc at all. This feels like a pro-life argument as does the rest of the post. They are just as likely to resent OP for having a 3rd dc if they have to "look out for a younger sibling" that they didnt ask for.

Decision must come from the OP

And another MANY will say, they wished they didn't have an extra one. But again, its not the other dcs choice

Do I wish my sister who is already here who I grew up with had never been born? Er no obviously not. Would I give a shit if I found out my mum had had multiple abortions, meaning I lost out on various “siblings”. Not a chance and I know this because I know she did have abortions and I genuinely feel no sorrow at all. Heck i actually I think my mum should have aborted me, objectively speaking. My dad was the least ideal choice for a father imaginable and she made her life very difficult.

I had one because my partner did not want another child, it's the biggest regret I have, I love being a mum, and it's something I wanted but was worried, and nervous and felt like I should make the "right choice" my daughter is desperate for a sibling and I could have made it work. Needless to say i think about that baby every single day.

Those existing children may want a baby brother or sister. As I said before, the benefits to those children may be tremendous and I would argue is a priority

You are clearly not pro choice. And you are hijacking the OP's thread about a very personal issue to push your anti-choice political agenda.

Please provide evidence for your claims of sex selective abortions being on the rise in the UK. Or better yet, go start your own thread if you want a general debate about abortion. Do not do it on this woman's thread.

Absolutely, he's needed a lot of support to deal with it over the years. It is a really extreme example, but I just wanted to counter the 'siblings will adore the baby' posts. Hopefully they would, but it is not by any means given. I know other families who it has worked out beautifully.

They may not. They may also not want to lose the things their parents are currently in the position to provide to them. They may not want to lose the attention and support their parents are currently able to give them, as they enter puberty and important years for their education. They may not want to have parents placed under such financial pressure that it breaks the marriage entirely (which is not at all uncommon), or stressed parents that have little time or emotional energy for them.

I had a termination and I just knew that it was the right thing for me and my family. I think if you give yourself some time, space and grace and you will know what the right thing for you is. Trust your gut and you won't regret it but it's important to shut out all of the outside noise. Nobody but you knows what the right thing for you is. Take care and be kind to yourself.

https://www.thetimes.com/article/19f4b7fb-96f2-4dd3-a151-6c928e2fc96d?shareToken=e71be8ddc03801b671c87e4962f26f55

The point i am making is that the "any reason is a good enough reason" is immoral nonsense. That is relevant to the OP. Not all reasons are good enough -- and she shouldn't be listening to anyone who says they are.

How old were the siblings when the new baby was born, just out of interest?

This must be satire.

Why does your moral position on abortion need to matter to anyone that isn’t you?

BPAS are correct. There is no specific prohibition of abortion for reasons of sex selection under UK law.

Any reason is good enough. Having no reason apart from not wanting a baby right then at that time is good enough.

No one gets to say what is or isnt a good enough reason.

wtf. You’re surely trolling here? Who gives a shit whether they want a brother, a puppy or a unicorn? Who are you to say the benefits will be tremendous exactly? It could be very much the opposite.

I think you know what you want to do, you just want people to justify your decision. Some people will say, as is their right, that morally you shouldn't do this. Other people will disagree. I'm not saying what I think. It is all noise, really. It's your choice - you're the one living with either decision.

Difficult situation OP, I have the utmost sympathy. I think your DH is definitely being very balanced and measured and you acknowledge a new child would take away from what you can offer your existing children.

I know it may seem superficial to some to terminate so you can afford things like holidays but those experiences really do matter and you only get one shot with your kids when they’re young. Once they’ve grown you have more surplus cash but they most often go their own way and don’t want to accompany you on trips.

Basically, what I’m saying is, in your shoes I would terminate but I fully acknowledge how difficult this is. Either way, your DH should be responsible and have a vasectomy. Good luck.

Just re-read the op, and really the reasons aren’t “bad” at all. Not wanting to reduce standard of living, job issues, wanting to focus on existing children… these are valid reasons.

The key issue is that if a pregnancy is ‘unwanted and unplanned’, and one party firmly doesn’t want it (as per op) then you both need to take greater precautions moving forward, ideally a vastectomy (+ female contraception).

But regardless, up to you op (if you’re still here). This is a conversation that really needs to be had with your husband because he’s taking on 50%, not any of us here.

Termination seems the right choice in your situation.

People arguing that the older children will definitely want/benefit from having a baby sibling are wrong. Some children will. Some children won’t. They’re coming up to the age of SATS and the difficult transition to secondary school and suddenly their mum’s attention is all taken up by a new baby. They can’t leave their lego or other toys because it’s a choking hazard. They can’t go on the same outings or holidays because there isn’t the right facilities for a baby. They are sidelined whilst everyone fusses over the baby. They are trying to do their homework but the baby is crying. They’ve had a difficult day at school and want to talk but can’t because the toddler is having a tantrum etc.

A baby sibling is hugely disruptive and not all siblings will be close as adults. I would not have resented my mother for having a termination but I do resent her for leaving me to fend for myself emotionally all through my teenage years because she was busy with the little ones.

It is not selfish to consider the negative impact on your existing children as OP is - it is selfish to pretend it’ll all be roses and sunshine for them just because you want to keep the pregnancy.