TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

Best to weigh up all the pros and cons for you and your family OP. Everyone's will be slightly different. Emotions also play a large part too, so two people in an identical situation may have differing choices.

You are very early pregnancy days too, this is a potential everything at the moment, so give yourself some grace and breathing room. Obviously sooner done the better for you if you decide on abortion, just be a bit kind to yourself while you are deciding. Maybe take some time for yourself to weigh up and then talk to your husband and weigh up together.

Keep your beautiful baby. It sounds like you're born to be a mum and you know what's right and wrong. Your older ones will learn so much from being older siblings.

Material stuff doesn't matter, you'll adjust and manage. What does matter is family and the love and happiness your new baby will bring.

I agree she needs to do what is best for her. Which could be either way. Best for her doesn’t always mean termination so I think people need to stop peddling termination just as much as much as the posters who are telling her to keep the baby need to stop peddling that.

Ridiculous. Material stuff very much does matter and that’s why growing up in poverty is seen as an adverse childhood experience. At that age I would definitely not have wanted my mum to have another baby - quite the opposite. What if the baby is born disabled or with severe SEN and the existing children’s lives are adversely affected by this? What if the DH ends up resenting the situation and leaves the OP as a single mum and shattering the family unit? There’s so many utterly stupid pro lifers on here.

Or the chaos, poverty and misery the new baby will bring. There’s 2 sides to every story. Don’t let your rose tinted glasses cloud OP’s judgement of her OWN PERSONAL circumstances, views and feelings. Ffs

This is excellent advice, OP.

You have 2 very good options - have termination and keep the lovely life you have now, or have a new baby that you will love. Either option is a good option.

Will the lovely life Franpie refers to now be so lovely if one does choose a termination? Things will never be the same either way.

A termination doesn’t have to be a life-changing event if the decision is made in the confidence that you’re doing the right thing for you.

I have never thought about the termination I had when I was 19 or 20. It was absolutely the right decision for me (and my now DH) at that time. I saw it as a minor medical procedure, nothing more, nothing less.

To say life will never be the same again is a little dramatic.

Because deep down she clearly wants this baby. It’s an unexpected surprise, but it’s here, it’s real and it’s growing inside her. I know exactly how she feels. In her shoes I can say that, without doubt, this feelings would outweigh the practical and findnfisl considerations her husband raises.

No, you don’t know how she feels or what she’s thinking ‘deep down’. You may have been in a similar position, but that does not mean her experience is the same as yours, or that you’re in any way qualified to speak for her.

Oh I'm sorry, op. That's a tough situation. Neither you nor your DH is being unreasonable in your thinking and feelings.
I have no practical advice, but just wanted to say how difficult it must be.

She’s set it all out in her OP, so we do know.

NC’d for this.

I was in your shoes OP. Surprise third pregnancy when we had a 7 and 4 year old. DH was clear that he didn’t want another baby but said it was my decision. I was fortunate it was during covid so I was able to get the tablets in the post and did phone consultations at home. Years ago my friend had to go through with a scan etc and I don’t think I would have managed that!!

I was sad about it at the time, but with hindsight I think it was the right decision for our family. I wanted to be able to send our two to private school and still be able to do several holidays a year. We would have been able to do holidays but not school fees if we’d had a third child, especially now there’s VAT too.

I feel fortunate to have the two happy, healthy DC we have.

You have my sympathies. It’s a really shitty situation to be in.

OP you mention your DH's reaction to being told you were pregnant, what was your own gut reaction when you found out, was it Oh God no, I can't do this again, or was it more, it's going to make life tricky, but I'll see what DH has to say, or something else altogether? Please think back and be honest with yourself about your own reaction. If there was a tiny little jolt of excitement, and then, the fears of managing financially crept in and took over, then I think you should go ahead, but if it was a feeling of fear of some sort, then I think you should terminate.

As an aside, my DD had a similar situation, decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and while she didn't regret it, and loves the third child as much as the first two, she did say how much more difficult everything was. Silly little things like, only having two hands, when out for a walk or shopping, etc. Booking flights, as a lot of planes have two seats either side, going on rides at places like Disney, the fun fair, etc., where again with two children each parent can sit with one, but it's made a lot more difficult if there is five of you, and of course the more mundane things like it being longer before she felt able to return to work full time, etc., having had time off with the first two, she felt obliged to do the same for the baby.

My advice though, would be to go with the gut feeling you had when you first realised you were pregnant. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

No, she hasn’t. She’s expressed fears about a termination, but also called the pregnancy unplanned and unwanted. Having conflicted feelings about it something does not mean she believes an abortion wouldn’t be the right decision for herself as well as her family.

As an only child, I've only ever heard of my friends being at war with their siblings and hating having them. It sounds like torture to me. And suffocating. There is no guarantee siblings will get on, in fact it seems the majority do not. Listening to anyone who has siblings, I always breathe a sigh of relief I am an only child. I'd never have it any other way. I also believe very strongly in children having their own space and not sharing a room, having their own room right from birth. The more children you have, the less personal space and privacy they have. It's very detrimental. Prioritising the 2 has so they can each have their own room and space I think is important.

Also OP I think you husband needs to step up to the plate, take his share of responsibility (you've done your part with childbirth and contraception) and get a Vasectomy. It's his sperm that gets you pregnant, this is the least he can do.

What comes to mind is your marriage - is it strong? Are you confident it could withstand a baby, and if so, do you want to test that? Babies seem to put immense pressure on relationships and if your relationship is quite good and children happy, how might you feel if the marriage broke down and you were then a single parent?

You would cope whichever way, whether you keep the pregnancy or not. As mums we find a way.

The siblings shouldn’t be told about the termination. It’s not their body so they don’t need to know. Older siblings shouldn’t be responsible for baby siblings either.

@BeLovingReader do you work? Would your DH feel even more pressured? Can you afford to support three children through uni if they want to go?

I'm not 100% sure but I think early to mid teens.

It's a catastrophic parenting failure if siblings can't get on well to the extent you're describing with your friends.
Sure the odd argument etc is expected and natural. But if they can never get on well, then the parents of such a family have absolutely failed to equip those children with essential and basic people skills, emotional regulation and communication skills.
How on earth will they cope in the real world?

So many commentators have described the possibility of the siblings resenting and even hating the new addition.

It's a catastrophic parenting failure to raise children and tolerate such a negative and self centered world view.

If material family circumstances changed for the worse, it's of paramount importance to encourage children to see the positive and be resilient (In this particular case it's not even actually poverty inducing, just a tightening of the belt, so-to-speak).

For a child to eternally resent it's sibling because they had to share a bedroom, cancel a holiday or quit an expensive club, is a truly horrific concept and should shame any decent parent.

So many parents these days, sadly think that their responsibility in raising children is solely to provide all the material possessions and experiences possible. They often completely overlook the moral character of their children.

Surely we want to raise children who will be a force for good in society? That starts with protecting the vulnerable and sharing what we have.

How on earth do such children function as adults in society when they've been brought up to expect the only the best for themselves at all costs?

Okay great, you’ve laid out why you think people shouldn’t feel a particular way you personally disapprove of, but how exactly does that change the fact that they can and do?

if circumstances change for the worst and it’s out of the control of the parents then that’s one thing, but this isn’t the case here.

Incidentally there’s nothing immoral about prioritizing the wellbeing, and this also means the financial wellbeing, of the existing family unit.

Because children should be encouraged to move past those feelings (if they even exist in the first place). The fact that parents would assume that a child would have such negative feelings long after the babys arrival, calls into question the parents ability to actually parent children well through the ups and downs of life.

Children are, after all, naturally adaptable and also influenced by their parents. If the parent perceives or expects a negative outcome and projects that onto the child, obviously the child will adopt that mindset, and vice - versa.

Whether it's out of the control of the parents is also debatable in this context. Their own actions directly led to the babys existence whether intended or not.

Financial well- being sounds like a reasonable argument except in this case, there's no actual poverty incurred, just slightly less privilege perhaps? (And that's not even definite).

Life has more value!