TW - termination

[BeLovingReader]

TW - termination of pregnancy

So I know this isn’t exactly AIBU as no pregnancy choice is unreasonable, but I don’t know where else to post (don’t want to post to pregnancy boards in case it’s insensitive).

I’ve discovered I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We have two sons age 9 and 7 and this was not planned nor wanted.

My husband is very pragmatic and logical and thinks we should terminate the pregnancy (although he recognises this is my choice and supports me) because of the impact it will have on our existing children. Mainly financial - whilst we have good wages, with the cost of living as it is, we are stretched to our limits. We can currently afford (just about) one abroad holiday away per year, and one weekend in the uk, but with another baby we likely wouldn’t be able to afford this. Our children are also older now and this would inevitably divide our attention away from them as we return to the baby/toddler years whilst my eldest enters his pre teen years.

My husband also has fears about whether his job may become redundant in the next few years due to AI (he works in programming) and redundancies are also being made at my place of work. We both acknowledge that we are lucky to have 2 healthy kids and worry this is another roll of the dice.

Basically overall husband thinks another child at this point would compromise our existing children’s lifestyle and to be honest he’s probably right.

With that being said, I LOVE being a mum more than anything and having babies has been my whole life purpose. I don’t know if going through with a termination will ruin me, I don’t know if I will handle the guilt and the constantly thinking of the ‘what would have been’. I also fear I would resent my husband as I may feel the choice was driven by him, and would that ruin our relationship? I also know that if we had the baby we likely would get by fine, and would undoubtedly love it.

Unfortunately we only have around 3 weeks to decide one way or another. I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been in this situation so hoping for some outside perspective although I do know that ultimately it’s my decision. Thanks for reading.

Except children are also individuals in their own right, and can and will form their own views and opinions independently of their parents, no matter how said parents attempt to frame something.

It is absolutely within the control of the parents. Abortion is an option, hence OP making this thread in the first place.

OP has said herself that it would negatively impact their finances. Currently they are able to afford a decent standard of living for their family. Another child would not have to plunge them into poverty in order for them to want to avoid the negative impact of continuing a pregnancy that OP calls unplanned and unwanted. It isn’t simply a case of having to accept less holidays, either. Financial stress is a major contributor, if not the leading contributor, to relationship breakdown because the impact it has on mental and emotional wellbeing. At the very least, it is hardly beneficial for two preteens, who are about to enter puberty and the more intensive and important years of their education, to suddenly have distracted, stressed, and anxious parents trying to make up a financial shortfall whilst also caring for a newborn.

The lives, and the quality of those lives, of the family that already exists has more value.

Except the financial pressures are not devastating in this circumstance. The standard of living is still high, especially when compared to the average.

Children going through puberty and sitting exams can more than cope with a young child in the family. Plenty do - it's hardly an unusual or exceptionally difficult situation!
It's unfathomable that this would be a reason to abort a child - it is really scraping the barrel if a genuinely held opinion.

They may be that devastating. That you don’t want to accept that doesn’t negate this fact. Even if they aren’t - so what? There’s nothing wrong with deciding to have an abortion because you don’t even want to risk that outcome, or even having an abortion because you simply do not want to continue a pregnancy and have a child. Thankfully, women are free to decide for themselves, according to their own values. You aren’t required to approve 🙂

My approval has nothing to do with it. OP asked for advice and perspective. This is my perspective.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It has certainly made for a lot of heavy reading..!

For those who are suggesting that I’m viewing this in such a casual ‘oh gosh we won’t be able to afford another holiday’ - you couldn’t be further wrong. My concerns are around the quality of life for my existing children and yes, not everything comes down to how much disposable income you have; but there is a lot to be said for having a secure family home where the two parents are not constantly stressed about money and how we could afford the next thing to break/need replacing. We already have to sometimes put things on credit card (our freezer broke last month and we simply couldn’t afford to replace it with the cost of Christmas) so to add another child into this, I think, is potentially not a responsible choice. I also mentioned in my post that we are both potentially at risk of redundancy in the coming years.

As I also said and as several commenters have alluded to, it isn’t just about the financial impact. My eldest will be nearly 10 by the time this baby would arrive, and the thought in particular of not being able to fully focus on him and the upcoming teen years/transition to secondary school in the way that I could if we don’t have another child is a major consideration.

I don’t doubt for a second that if we have the baby we will love it and my sons will be delighted. That was never at question here. I just feel that as a mother to my existing children, they have to be my main consideration in what’s best for them.

I knew I would receive differing opinions on this post, of course, and whilst I genuinely welcome others opinions I do think some of you could work on your tact and diplomacy.

Thank you to everyone who has commented especially those who have offered real lived experience. It is appreciated.

What did you decide?

You make a really good point OP about the age of your eldest. We have found that our kids have needed significantly more support from us as teenagers than they ever did when they were little. To be honest, it has blown us away and we were not prepared for it. They were so easy when they were little. It’s been a complete 24/7 minefield since they went to secondary school.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!😲😱
I don't think I can articulate a response to this 🤬

Its ok - you can ignore the posts you think are a little .... odd

I mean its difficult to be more, well to coin a mn phrase - batshit than this

To not consider terminating, in order to increase the chances of your existing children growing up to be more empathetic and responsible, calling it a fantastic OPPORTUNITY is definitely insane😅