AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

I know DH told MIL to back off when your mum died, but in general does he bow to her wishes?

He probably is feeling resentful and his masculinity threatened that you are likely to achieve something he didn't and is using this to try to exert control and re-establish himself as top dog. But he has some growing up to do if he is and this is his way of showing displeasure to give you the silent treatment.

What would happen if you told him that whatever time he puts in to doing things with your dad, you'll match him in time spent with his mum? I bet I know the answer, so he's a hypocrite too.

I'd be finding myself very busy in her birthday this year....

So you have an excellent marriage provided he always gets his own way, and you remain compliant, uncomplaining, and subordinate.

Is that how you want to live?

We can miss Christmas, but have to be there on her birthday.

You really don't.

It's sad that you think this is normal. You can choose to be there. You can say that DH wants to be there but you really, really don't have to be there.

Wow! I’ve been with my husband 26 years, married for 10 and I can’t recall ever calling or texting my ILs.

I do suggest doing things with them on occasion (twice a year say), theatre etc… but DH checks with them and I’ll book it. Have fun whilst out. Make sure I pop round with DH to theirs maybe twice a year. But beyond that, nothing. I’m happy, she’s happy, I think! DH wouldn’t tell me if she wasn’t though. That would be a ‘her’ problem.

Maybe he doesn’t get to decide that unilaterally if he wants to keep his marriage?!

She sounds great. Wish mine was more like that

I would say to your 'D' H that

'I will make more effort with her when she makes an effort to be less racist, less judgemental and less old-fashioned. The ball is in her court first.'

Tell him to fuck off. I mean, be polite about it, but that's the gist of it - he can fuck off.

It's not immature at all to refuse to give into emotional blackmail and grovel for someone's attention. Just match his energy, when he's ready to be nice and polite to you you can be nice and polite back.

Found the mother in law 😅

So you think that OP's MIL's behaviour after OP's mum died was great? She actually sounds tactless, self-absorbed, needy and completely lacking any emotional intelligence.

Not the a-hole. I like my inlaws but we dont agree. My mil is very opinionated on my lifestyle. I dont do anything right with raising my kids, she doesnt understand why I have all my animals, she doesnt take on my older kids that arnt my husbands kids. She doesnt think my kids are deserving of anything but really its just the grand kids that arnt biologically her grand kids that she thinks this about. She hates that we take our kids on holidays, to the movies, out shopping, hair and nails, all the things kids like to do as they become teens and young adults. Her daughter rescued 6 kittens and was a hero, I rescued 2 older cats and im an absolute idiot for taking them on. Things like that . I bought my daughter a horse and training it to hopefully become a show jumper and when my daughter, her biological grand daughter , told her about this, she laughed at her and tod her good luck with that failing dream. She was so heartbreaking. When the kids are there they arnt allowed to play outside, they cant sit at the table and chat and have to play in the loungeroom and watch telly so we just dont visit anymore because the kids dont enjoy it and im sick of keeping my mouth shut for the peace when im being grilled about my kids not being good enough.

Why don't you have her? You can also have the abusive DH for free!

No. You don’t. You don’t have to celebrate her birthday like it’s a national holiday. You are being bullied.

I would start by booking a weekend away for myself and a friend over her birthday. You need to set some boundaries OP. You sound like a bystander in your own life.

But this is not that. She has no issue with the MIL and husband’s relationship.
She just is not going to forge one with her independently. Why would that make her not want her husband?

Her husband isn't supportive of her wish to not have a relationship with his mother and its causing tension. Hence she's posting on here about it.
Unless he gives up on the idea of OP befriending his adored mum, he's going to keep making an issue of it. Clearly he believes the OP to be in the wrong, as he is unable to conceive of why his wife is rejecting his beloved mother (as he sees it) 'making her cry' and so on.
This may over time mean the OP will want him less, because his own feelings for his mum are getting in the way of him respecting hers, which she will understandably percieve to be disloyal to her.
This is not an uncommon problem, and for that reason, a man devoted to a mother you can't stand is a red flag for a rocky relationship.

My MIL has made comments in the past decade that I often think would result in falling out were I wired differently. I am usually able to tune into the spirit behind the comment as opposed to the comment itself. She admits herself she's a bit socially awkward, often cannot find the right words etc. I know she is not mean spirited at all, so I nod and smile when she comes out with some wild comments. I feel like your MIL in this situation has been hugely awkward, but the spirit behind it is not awful. In your shoes, I'd be thinking "what skin off my nose would it be?" to have her around for tea once or twice a month, or meet out somewhere that you (or your children if you have children) enjoy yourself so that she doesn't feel so out in the cold.

I think this is the crux of the issue. She’s like the matriarch of the family and the lead female even to the extended family she has helped raise. It’s always going to be tricky if you don’t fall in line and match her expectations. You’ll find the whole family have just always been led by her and wouldn’t consider rocking the boat. It’s hard to break. I can sympathise with you. It took therapy for me to realise that the dynamic that already existed was what had contributed to the fractured relationship I had.
It’s so inbuilt into your DH to prioritise the feelings of her that he doesn’t even realise he has been doing so. It’s good he was able to stand up for you after the outrageous behaviour when your Mum died. This shows he can rock the boat when required.

Problem is, it can become expected then is difficult to change or get out of. I'd be wary.

I've just had to tell my own MIL I can't meet up for the foreseeable due to health reasons and it's not been easy. they can get used to it instead of meeting their own friends etc.

I think you should give her the daughter experience - thinking a daughter of about 13/14. Stroppy and demanding. Go shopping with her - mothers pay on a mother/daughter shopping trip - you can take her for hundreds. Text her demanding stuff; lifts, money etc. She'll soon change her mind x

No one should have to spend time with a racist and loudly judgemental person if they choose not to. The onus is on the MIL to not be an abhorrent person that no one wants to spend time with.

She has "options" for a "gal pal" who isn't you - the wives or partners of her younger brothers, your DH, any goddaughters or nieces she may have, younger colleagues - any of whom she could have developed a relationship where they went to spas and shopping and bottomless brunches or whatever.

To cut her a little slack, she probably did have a fantasy of having a different relationship with her son's wife that she built in her head before he ever met you. It wasn't "you" it was what you represented. And she may feel some remorse over how she behaved when your mum died and perhaps genuine regret that she handled it so poorly that it damaged your relationship further when she could have built something solid if only she'd recognised you as the actual person in front of her rather than daughter-aged-motherless-human (sorry). Then she had too much to drink and it all came out.

It's how your DH is handling it that is the cause for concern really with the silent treatment. If he's really a good sort then give him a bit of space and then find some time to explain why this isn't a "you" issue to resolve. It's his mother's issue and he can take steps to manage her expectations and be a good son to her. I bet if he took her out for a fancy dinner or to see a show or something that she could tell all her friends about how her wonderful actual son was treating her to this and that she would feel far less of a pang about not having a generic daughter figure to go to a spa with.