AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

He sounds like a mummies boy - ick. Expect to be trying to cope with/manage this until she dies. That's my experience anyway.

JFC that's awful behaviour from your MIL. She sounds completely insensitive and self-centred. It's almost as though she felt that your loss was her gain.

My ex-MIL was the opposite when my mum died suddently when my first child was only 3 months old. She'd been nice before then, but afterwards it was as though she could be (and was) absolutely horrible with no consequences as there was no other grandmother to compete with.

So the ‘little’ was OP protecting herself?

I think staying polite but distant is the right approach OP. I got too close to mine and now am struggling to backtrack, she has got used to me taking her out etc but she is impacting on my mental health to be honest.

I have a similar situation with my MIL and my DH's fence sitting. Cba going into detail but it's not far off the same as yours in the crux of it apart from the get of jail free card that my husband has a better relationship with my parents than I do (they think they sun shines out of his arse).

I've figured out that I just have to tick some boxes with the MIL, and then, on paper, nobody really has justification for an argument against me.

Turn up on big occasions (birthdays, Xmas etc) , send texts when required (have a good holiday kissy kissy emoji, how did your doctors apt go prayers emoji, etc) throw a curve ball in a couple of times a year by dropping in unexpectedly, buying her something amazing out of the blue, or something similar, and concede a couple of times on soft invites (eg come for Sunday dinner) and you'll be sweet. Try not to engage with DH about it because it ends in resentment that they aren't 100% on your side but I can't blame them tbh.

This is good practice for when she is older and needs care as your DH will no doubt expect that to default to you too.

How awful that a man cares about his mum!
Disgusting behaviour! 🙄

Yikes. You're not her daughter, you don't have to act like her daughter, and your partner is manipulating you in the same way his mum is manipulating him.

It sounds like you're polite enough and that's plenty.

Well, this is all clearly on your DH and her DS as he chose the wrong kind of woman to marry.
clearly he should have thought of his mum first and married a woman who loved shopping and frills and all that stuff, instead of a grounded and sensible woman who knows these things don’t suit her. Tell him it’s all his fault.
(lighthearted)

and hugs for how she was after you lost your mum, she was appallingly wide of what you needed

My MIL is an only child who had two sons. She doesn’t have any close female friends either. I definitely think she was hoping for a closer relationship with me, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened.

She is a nice and well-meaning woman, but our outlooks and experiences are very different - she gave up work when she had DH, despite being university educated, and her life since then has revolved around her children and things like the local tennis club and FIL’s boat, neither of which I have any interest in.

I am polite to her but I find even small talk with her challenging. It’s a shame, but I can’t be the person I think she would have liked me to be, and I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to be something I’m not just to please her.

Regarding the silent treatment: yes, there is a pattern. DH uses the silent treatment whenever he feels criticized, even over minor statements (e.g., ignoring me for an hour after I pointed out he forgot something from the car, and my tone of voice was definitely neutral because it wasn't anything important). It has been happening more often lately. However, this is the most prolonged and intense, so it clearly matters to him.
But out marriage is otherwise a good one, so I don't get it.

How awful that he expects his wife to be untrue to herself, just to indulge his self centred mother.

This is a tough one because I can see both sides. I can see that your MIL was excited to do girly things with her daughter in law. I would too but it’s up to her to find friends to do that with as well because your DH choice of partner is his not MIL. Also I see your side too and I don’t think it’s fair on you to have to spend time with her when you don’t enjoy her company and you both are too different. The best thing to do is to just be civil with her. Explain to your husband how you feel etc

Your MIL is longing for the girly daughter she never had, and is disappointed that you can't replace her. Any actual daughter might also have disappointed her, if not into the girly stuff.
You can't fill this gap for her. Perhaps you could explain this to DH. Spending more time with MIL wouldn't hit the spot because you are not the fantasy she dreams of.
It reminds me of a friend who didn't get the kind of mothering she longed for from her own mum and tried to force her MIL to fill that gap. MIL was fond of her but not the intelligent, supportive, strong female figure that my friend hoped for. Eventually she realised this and moved on.

“BeardedBarley · Today 14:05
I really love my mother in law (who has no daughters), but in the 30 years I’ve known her, we’ve never once been out on ‘girly’ trips. No shopping, beauty treatments together or coffee shops. It’s just not me, and it’s not her either. It’s ludicrous to invent a fantasy person based on this silly stereotype.”

Same here. We get on very well and i visit her both with and without my DH. But we don’t go out and do the stuff she describes. Bit of a tangent but DH and I have also given up watching Ted Lasso in large part because female friendship seems to be depicted as if women are permanently on the verge of hysteria, screaming or crying or jumping around. It became so irritating.

Anyway, your MIL’s behaviour around the loss of your mum was absolutely awful. Sorry for your loss, OP.

Tell DH to give his head a wobble and grow up with the silent treatment or MIL will end up with him back permenantly as your marriage will done. He sounds a right pillock! Don;t do anything you do not want/need/choose to do. No guilt OP is necessary here.

Hmm. I’ve seen this kind of dynamic with in my own family. The older woman just loooooved to complain about her relationship with her daughter, and if there was A Man to sympathise with her, out would come the hanky. I don’t think there was anything the daughter could actually have done, as being the wronged party was ultimately the most important thing to her mother.

I had this from my MIL as well. My DF died shortly before the wedding so anything to do with my parents was obviously very sensitive.

Although I hadn't met MIL much, it was obvious we were very different people but I thought she was nice enough.

Nope, she went in hard with very rigid ideas of all the wifework I was going to do now, plus how I'd be calling her and FIL Mum and Dad.

I don't think it needs a lot of emotional intelligence to realise someone who has just lost their dad, is not going to start calling a man who is basically a stranger Dad.

Took me about 10 years to calm down and start rebuilding - luckily for me she calmed down a lot too but sadly it sounds like yours hasn't. Also luckily for me my DH had my back at all times - yours needs a boot up the bum.

Hold the line. If only to not spend time with a racist misogynist 🙄

You are not being immature in the way you are reacting to the silent treatment. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. Punishment for not doing as he wants. It is a red flag here, as is his inability to see that you can't force one person to enjoy another's company.

He’s never learned how to get out of a situation that isn’t going the way he wants and that he can’t ignore. Oftentimes people don’t want to put in the mental effort required to work their way through these situations. It IS a situation for him: a mother who wants something from his wife, his wife who doesn’t want to give it, both of them talking to him and not each other about it. He’s stuck like a deer in the headlights and is switching off. He knows one of you is going to be disappointed and he’ll be hearing about it. So he’s gone away and is refusing to speak to either of you in the hope it’ll go away without him having to do anything (and maybe it will).

Although it also sounds like he doesn’t like criticism or acknowledging when he’s wrong!

I see my DiL, when I see the whole family. I think the last time I went shopping with her, was to buy school uniform for my granddaughter when she started school. That was long ago.

I like her very much, but she has a busy life.

I am sorry you’re having to deal with such immature naive people. Your husband should be supportive and understanding, absolutely not giving you the silent treatment.
We are all different people, you cannot ‘force’ yourself on anyone, and just because you are family does not mean you are entitled to a certain type of relationship.

sounds like you are kind and tolerant and give some time and effort already to your MIL. That is plenty!
Most importantly in laws are a different generation, decades between us, unlikely you will be friends! Gosh I struggle to have good friendships/strong bonds with people my own age in similar circumstances( due to time, jobs, busyness) let alone with my in-laws!

Do you have kids? If not then I'd consider the marriage over from everything you've said. You certainly wouldn't want kids in this situation.

Yeah your marriage isn’t good the silent treatment only gets worse