AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

This made me laugh because I've been trying to talk her out of getting a dog since the summer. She's 71 and desperate for a puppy (ours hated her at that age, btw, and still avoids her). She has been turned down by all reputable breeders but has apparently found someone now. The only breeders who will sell a puppy to owners their age (without even asking what their plan was if something were to happen to them) are to be avoided at all cost, but she won't hear it. I see ourselves taking in a second dog in a few years...

It's a longer story... But the short version is: the industry that we both work in is very "up or out", either you progress or you look for something else (and "something else" are all very lucrative careers, so it's nothing to be ashamed of). He has reached his ceiling a few years ago and is now self-employed (and successfully). I'm still part of the industry and it seems like I will make partner next year, which he didn't. He's been a bit off about it, but he'll get over it. He was always the higher earner of the two of us (still is), so it will be an adjustment to him.

quite right too! I hate the "bored lonely?" get a pet" thing. People shouldn't get get any pets unless they are prepared to look after them and actually do want a pet because they want a pet.

Re the escalating silent treatment - if you really don’t want to leave, can you try couples counselling perhaps? Or suggest he does counselling solo? I know that usually couples counselling isn’t usually recommended with abusive partners but if this is the only issue with his behaviour, maybe there is some kind of communication issue and he can’t get past it so he clams up?

I would say your issue isn’t the MIL herself, rather your DH’s response. It is really not on and he should have your back.

Also one other thing - is he 100% ok with no kids - could that explain the increasing tension? He can’t say it because he rationally understands your health issue but he also feels angry about it? Just a thought.

He doesn’t care about her enough to do these activities with her. Just to berate his wife on his mom’s behalf. Which makes him a mommy’s boy.

This is really difficult for you OP and you have gone through some outrageous behaviour from your MIL. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s telling that at a moment when you needed the most support she did this to you.
I do feel for you to move forward you need your husband to support you as he did then. (I know you don’t know what he said to her but you are aware he said something to address his behaviour)
i feel this all says more about her and her disappointment over not having a DD and expecting you to fulfil that role. Is she used to having her own way?

Because the relationship is between the couple. Not the couple and the parents. Why would my feelings towards my partners mom impact whether or not I date my partner?

He would never go to therapy.

The no kids decision isn't new, we had this discussion before we got married.

I agree with your post.

She was expressing disappointment.. not that she wanted DH to tell you and all of a sudden you hang out together.

Fuck that nonsense.
Your 'D'H needs to cut the apron strings.
You are not beholden to some fantasy relationship by a delusional woman.

Yes, she's very much used to getting her own way and everyone is always agreeing with her. Comes from the family dynamic, I think, I've written at the beginning that she practically raised her brothers. She still does do a lot for all of them, to be fair. Her birthday gets celebrated like a national holiday - no one else's birthday is celebrated like this, and attendance is mandatory. We can miss Christmas, but have to be there on her birthday.

People are very quick to say end your marriage in MN. It's crazy.

Is he feeling insecure with your career progression?

God my (now ex) MIL wanted this ‘daughter I’ve never had’ experience except I never lived up to her expectations and she turned utterly, toxically batshit, and ended up badmouthing me to whomever would listen, criticising my parenting, even inviting her ‘friends’ to observe me when we came over so she could discuss my faults after we’d left. She was overheard by my kids, on a weekend visit with their dad, listing all my faults to his new gf after we’d left had split. Women like this have skin like rhinos in my experience. Yadnbu. Your dh is a dick head. Stand your ground op!

It’s a normal response to some to say leave him, I don’t get why this is the go to advice for so many.

as for the silent treatment I would definitely be bringing this up as it is classed as abuse. As for his mom she’ll just have to get over it. I lost my mom & no one can fill that void. I’m sure your MIL was just trying to help. Yet I get the more she tried to the more you felt your mom’s absence. I would explain that to your H to. I would suggest if you did step up the effort with his mom you’d probably have a more fractured relationship as your views don’t align.

I will try really hard to get on with and be friends with any future daughters in law but if they want a more distant relationship then so be it.
I have recently lost my own mum so it would have been nice to be friendlier than I am with my partners mum but for various reasons that won’t ever happen. So I am just friendly to her on the rare occasions when I see her. She hasn’t been very nice to me so on reflection she isn’t someone I want much to do with despite initially trying. My partner doesn’t care either way.

We can all try to be nice and get on with people but no one can force relationships. If you just want a relationship where you see each other at Christmas/ the odd event but you are polite and friendly when you see her then that’s fair enough.

She can make her own friends. I need a new friend to go and watch plays with as my sister and best friend both have babies at the moment and obviously I no longer have my mum. I will find someone else in my friendship group who likes going to see plays. I won’t just try to persuade any future partners of my sons to come with me! My point being your MIL is responsible for herself and finding friends to do what she would like to do. You aren’t responsible for entertaining her.

well that's your answer then
"Of course DH, I'll go on a spa day with MIL when you go on a golf day with my dad....shall we book them both in for next month?"

I thought you were being completely reasonable even before I heard the way she acted after your mother died.

If you don't have much in common it sounds like she doesn't even want to be 'your' friend/substitute mother in law, as such, in that she doesn't actually care about you as a person at all and whether you actually want to do any of the stereotypical female things with her - she's just interested in you as a set of xx chromosomes.

She's basically hallucinating a relationship she thinks she is entitled to and missed out on, whereas in reality even if she'd had a dd, the dd could have equally had nothing in common with her or wanted to do any of those things.

If she wanted to get to know you better as the person her DH is married to, and wanted to do something together than you'd both enjoy, then maybe it would be slightly different, although I still don't think you would need to spend anything like the time and effort she seems to want - but if she just wanted to go to a film together or something every few months then maybe. But given the background, nope.

There's enough threads on the subject that demonstrate all too well what it looks like when a man adores his mum and his wife can't stand her.
It tends to lead to regular tension between a couple as he will want his mother to have a bigger part in his life than his wife will be comfortable with. To visit his home, spend Christmas together, have her involved with his children and so on.
He will be unlikely to see the wrong in his mum that his wife does, and she will feel unsupported.

Look up emotional abuse and coercive control. You might be unpleasantly surprised by how many boxes you tick.

But out marriage is otherwise a good one,
If it's only good if you do as he says or always agreeing with him then it's not a good one. You sent shivers down my back when you mentioned you had a neutral tone to your voice and I suspect you are a "boiled frog" and are unaware of how badly you've been manipulated and controlled over the years. Use this moment to open your eyes fully and see more clearly

Op , it's not her fault she was exited for a female person to spend time doing female things with.
I've seen many times mums of boys saying they wish they had a few moments of females to spend time with.

Cant you just tell her you are not that person and just explain it ?
In a kind way ?
Maybe ask her to do something you enjoy doing ?

Explain the same to your DH.

If he keeps giving the silent treatment, just say "It's not my fault she would rather have had a daughter than you. Don't take your issues out on me".

Sounds like the rest of the marriage is not that great either.

He has been a bit off about you making partner next year.
Refuses therapy

This is on top of the silent treatment.

If only it were that simple!

OP, could it be that his Mother is beginning to put pressure on him about when she's going to become a grandma? Knowing that you don't plan on having children, would obviously put him in a difficult position, as he might feel that he shouldn't repeat your personal situation to his Mother, and is trying to fend her off, without telling her the real reason. Is it possible that might be what's behind the silent treatment? Just a thought.

Why would he give OP silent treatment whenever he is criticised? He does not like being criticised. He has been off with her with regards to her career.

Why do you think this is because grandma wants grandchildren? Even if she did, does it give the 'D'H the right to treat his wife so badly?

Are you younger than your DH, OP?

I ask because what you describe about the way he has behaved seems quite paternalistic in some ways. He protected you when MiL was being so inappropriate after your own DM's death, and now he's a bit miffed by your career success, and feels it's appropriate to tell you to put more effort in with his DM than he does himself.

Your MiL is a bit batshit to be wanting a daughter experience with you, and she was totally out of order when your DM died. But the current issue is really about your DH - she didn't try to force you into anything and (it sounds) didn't ask you DH to. This is on him. And he seems to think he's got the right to tell you to put your own needs last and be uncomfortable to please his mum. It just feels like he sees himself as having more power in your relationship than he sees you as having.