AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

My mil is gone now and it was years ago, but she had no daughters and I was told by dh she wanted to chat with me by phone and why didn’t I bother? but I just said hi and passed the phone to dh( this was landline days).

I had my own mother. I saw mil as purely the mother of my dh. I was ambivalent to her and was polite and hospitable when she stayed over, but had no interest in her other than that.

Later on she hinted to live with us when we moved to a bigger place and asked if we could get somewhere with an annexe. I got the feeling she had me lined up as a carer,
and wanting to be closer to me was a way partly of insuring that, an ulterior motive Well that idea was laughed at by me and was soon dropped. If I was ever going to look after anyone it would be my own parents, and I’d be reluctant to do that tbh.

OP you have not done anything wrong. I would not be falsely friendly, you’ll regret not being yourself and it could backfire in to you taking on a daughter role that you don’t want.

To clarify: I don't think that she would want or accept a forced relationship with me. That's why she cried to him and didn't say anything about it later. I think that it's him wanting to "fix things" for her, she didn't ask him to convince me to change (or at least I don't think she did).

YANBU. I have a similar issue with my own mother (in terms of personality clash/not enjoying her company).

It always seems to be the case that some people will say you must spend time with such relations "BECAUSE FAMILY". However its simply not fair to say that their unhappiness and upset must be transferred to being your unhappiness and upset.

We are all responsible for managing our own feelings and those strategies cannot and should not include demanding attention from others that they are unwilling to give.

It is a shame your MIL is disappointed at her lack of a daughter. She isnt the only woman to suffer this. It is understandable she hoped she might have a close relationship with a future DIL, and to be upset she doesnt have that. None of this means you have to change.

I'm sorry your DH is not more understanding. In your shoes, I would ask DH why he thinks his mothers happiness is more important than yours. I'd have some compassion for MIL, but I'd be suggesting that if he wants to make her feel better he needs to think what HE can do to help her process her feelings, without dragging you into it.

No-one to stand up to her neastiness on your behalf, more like.

No we don't. DH wanted to, but I've found out that I carry the same cancer gene as my mum and grandma did, and pregnancy increases the risk significantly. I don't want to die young, he understands. His mother doesn't know.

Your relationship with your MIL reminds me of mine with my mother. She was constantly sad I didn’t want to do shopping with her and no matter how many bags and jewellery she bought me I wouldn’t wear them and be a girly girl. I suppose it wouldn’t help to tell her if she had a daughter she might not have got a girly one.

Your MIL hardly sounds like a nice, thoughtful person. In fact, she sounds batshit and self-absorbed.

You and MIL have virtually nothing in common as far as I can make out. Trying to forge a closer relationship would be akin to flogging a dead horse. It just won't work.

Your DH is also part of the problem if he thinks that he can force this issue. He cannot make you into someone you are not just to please his mummy (or for any other reason either). I'd be telling him that. He clearly needs to understand that his wife and his mother are both very different people who don't necessarily see eye to eye and aren't always comfortable with each other, and that's absolutely OK. You are who you are.

Tell him clearly that you are happy to see his mother whenever the decision has been taken that you will visit as a couple, but other than that you and she are very different and want different things so a closer relationship cannot happen and won't work. He needs to accept/understand that and not push it further or your own relationship with him will start to break down. Tell him that.

He can go to spend time with his mum whenever he wants but you don't have to always go. You are also under no obligation to go on any girly shopping trips and "daughter experiences" with her either. Personally, I could not think of anything worse.

You are not responsible for your Mil's social life, I def wouldn't want to spend time with her from what you describe. Let your DH entertain her. Do the normal, family events, christmas etc, thats enough. I think its a bit odd she wants to, TBH. I don't spend 1:1 time with my Dil, we have nothing in common, not surprising considering the age gap, but we get on ok, spend time together with wider family. She would think I'd lost the plot if i suggested 'girlie' time together.

Next time dh gets his hair cut /trims his nails declare surely he should be going with his dm for such 'experiences'?
A full spa day in fact..
Give you some well deserved free time.
Sulky mummy's boy...
Huge ick..

This is how it's been for at least the last 5 years, we've agreed on doing things exactly as you described it. But now he's seen tears and apparently it's unforgivable.

YANBU - Your husband is. Explain to him exactly as you have here that you simply dislike her character.

She does sound like a terrible person. He should do all those “girly” things with her if he wants that for her so much.

This, OP. Not to mention "making an effort" with whichever one of your friends or siblings he likes least and spending some time with them, one-on-one. Asking him when that's going to happen might cool his jets.

My late lovely MIL felt like this about me and I knew it. She did her best to try to hide it but we were nothing like each other. She saw how happy her son and I were and she worked her way through it by her accepting that things were not going to change and me being gentle with her feelings but not trying to be the person she would have liked. I have to say that my MIL sounds much nicer and more sensible than yours does! In your position, I don't think I could have tolerated that or hidden my intolerance. I think you need to lay down the law with your husband.

This. The DH sounds as shitty as his bigoted mother.

How close is your DH with your DF? Maybe they could have a closer relationship too. He could call him and go for gossipy lunches.

I assume he's not made any suggestions to his mother that she should change her ways, develop interests that align with yours, and try to change to make you like her more? Its all about making you change to meet her needs isn't it?

Ask him how he would feel if you were demanding he spend his free time with your dad?

Stick to your guns. He can visit MIL and do more stuff with her if he chooses, but you are an autonomous person who doesn’t have to tolerate this attempt to bully you.

If he persists, you will have to decide whether you wish to remain married to a bully who sulks.

But out marriage is otherwise a good one, so I don't get it.

And is that good enough for you or do you think that you deserve better?

DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her.

I'm not sure I could get past that.

He is putting what she wants above what you want.

Why?

Talk to him about it? It might be something his parents did that he has grown up with

"spending more time with our true family" This statement from your DH raises red flags. He is dismissive of you and your family and doesn’t consider your father as an equal to his parents. I think this gives a (frightening) insight to his thoughts on this.

I'm so sorry for the very difficult choice you have had to make but his increased use of silent treatment is highly abusive.
Please don't ignore it.
I hope you work and are financially independent of him.
Be very careful, this is not a good man.

Hold the line, OP. This sounds like a DH who, when the time comes, is going to assume you'll be his parents' carer.

I hope you don't make his dinner (or whatever else you'd normally do for him) when he's been doing this infantile "silent treatment" thing.

Have a look at Out of the FOG site online OP, that should also help you.

If your MIL wants gossiping and shopping out, then it'll have to be her son that provides it. This really isn't your responsibility!

This is so true. My DM insists on spending time with a sister who is fucking awful to her everytime because "family" and life is too short to not spend time family. I pointed out to her that life is too short to spend time with people who treat you like shit, family or not. She wouldn't dream of spending time with someone unrelated to her who treated like that so why does having the same parents change things?