AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

Let him sulk. He is wrong to try and force a relationship between you and his mother if you don't feel it. He can go and spend more time with her if he wants to!

Do what men do, smile & nod & agree that you will do what he wants you to, but dont actually do it.
If you do have to spend time with her make sure you piss her off so much that she doesnt want to see you again. If husband challenges you spin everything as her fault.

However, outside of this specific pattern, DH is a genuinely loving partner.

Of course he is.

He's wary of you wriggling off the hook I should imagine.

Too much & he'll lose you!

The woman needs to get out and get a life. Her happiness is your not job!!!

Oh, I wonder!!

OP, I would honestly get out. Even if this gets resolved, imagine the batshit behaviour if you ever have kids...

Your MIL's happiness is not your responsibility. Nor are her life disappointments.

I would suggest asking your DH if he's finished sulking yet.

Let him go and mop his mother's brow and say "there there" if he wants to. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

He's giving you the silent treatment? How long?

I don't think you're at all unreasonable for not wanting to spend more time with this person who sparks no joy. But if you feel you ought to try, could you invite her to join you in doing the kinds of things you like to do? Make it absolutely clear to her that if she wants the "daughter experience", she has to meet you where you are; that you get no enjoyment whatsoever from the kinds of activities it seems she is into, and have no interest in doing those things.

Glad it's not just me who raised an eyebrow at that!!

We live a long was from the inlaws. I never, ever call my inlaws. If DH or one of the kids is on facetime with them I'll pop on and have a chat, or if they phone on the landline and I pick up I'm happy to chat for a bit but would never proactively call them for a chat. That would be SO weird to me.

I am so sorry, firstly to hear of your Mum passing and MILs behaviour after that. She sounds unhinged.

I know someone like her, not my MIL but another relative, who wants to have a close and 'wonderful' relationship with me. This person is performative, self obsessed, selfish and has ridiculously high expectations of other people. Sounds like your MIL really, lots of similarities.

I cannot give this person what they expect in a relationship for very similar reasons to you not wanting to force a relationship with your MIL. It did cause me upset and drama for a good few years actually but I have reached a point of making peace with it and you should too - absolutely.

MIL is not your responsibility. You don't owe her a mother/daughter relationship and the fact that she's pushing for this is at best crass and at worst utterly selfish, especially considering your circumstances. Your DH needs to get a grip too. But then he has learnt from her so ... apples and trees and all that!

Your MIL will have to come to terms with this and try to find what is 'missing' from her life in other areas - through volunteering, widening her friendships group etc. If not, she will just have to wallow in self pity. And that is totally down to her.

But now he's seen tears and apparently it's unforgivable.

Did he say that? He and his mother are both massively out of order here. I think maybe couples therapy would help draw out some of this (i.e. help him see that he's being insanely unreasonable).

Don't accept the sulking and the silent treatment. Push for a confrontation. Say what needs to be said. Make it clear that you are not going to change in your relationship and behaviour towards his mother, so basically he has two choices: get over it or find a different wife.

I recognise some of this with my own Mum including the wedding behaviour. It’s very draining. Even if you did step up, it wouldn’t be right because she would move the goalposts. People who want you to act the way they want are very unreasonable and not at all concerned about you.

Let him sulk. It’s her problem to fix not yours. Just do what you need to do and nothing more. I’d also avoid conversations about because I very much doubt he is interested in what you have to say about the subject.

The silent treatment is listed as domestic violence OP. You're married to an abuser.

Print it out, shove it into his face and tell him that he either packs it in and finds a better way to deal with conflict or he can bugger off back to his mothers.

He calls HIS parents once a week, that was a mistake by OP, and he has been giving the silent treatment for 4 days now, since NYE.

It is such bullshit isn’t it. I loved my late MiL , I found her straightforward, kind and practical. I found her much easier to deal with in many ways than my own mother. She had two sons and both her DIL were very fond of her. Did we go out for coffee/ shopping / ‘girly’ stuff … no, never.

Oh God I’m so sorry but I actually screamed out loud laughing about her ringing you in the USAto discuss dining tables !!!!! Hehehe feckin batshit 😂

Thank you, this resonates

I'd say this man's primary bond is with his mummy.
Op you are merely his spare wife, mummy is his real wife.

I wonder whether he gives his mum the silent treatment as well.

This. Great post!

The silent treatment - this something you need to keep an eye on. It’s seriously nasty.

What is your h upset about re your career progression? Are you more successful than he is? Earn more?

I would strongly suggest that you and he go and do some marriage guidance counselling with Relate.

Someone in an abusive relationship should NOT do counseling with their partner.

Counseling cannot fix a relationship where there's a power imbalance, here the husband feels he can control OP's personal relationships, and the abusive partner can use things said in therapy against the other and retaliate. With a partner who uses abusive tactics, OP might be afraid to speak her truth because therapy with an abusive partner is not a safe space.

Massive sympathy. My mil (also only mother of boys) clearly has similar aspirations and my husband believes that they are normal and healthy - however, he does completely respect that I am not ‘girly’, I can’t stand being mothered, gossip and small talk bores the tits off me and I don’t want that kind of forced intimacy. He sees it as a fault in me when I just see it as entirely reasonable- however. He respects that I don’t want that kind of relationship with her and helps me maintain boundaries.

I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t. You have my sympathy but you are not being unreasonable. Her behaviour when your mum died is unforgivable. I’m sorry for your loss x

Agreed. I certainly wasn't suggesting that.
But if you really dislike someone and it seems like she does (btw understandable given what ive since read) then I don't think you can help but let it show ...

Can you get her a dog ? That way she could get out more and have something to occupy her ?

Why subject a ddog to the awful woman ffs??