AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

He's being a tit then. MIL too has crossed the line by being so needy and crying to him and he clearly doesn't know how to deal with it.

The best response would probably have been "Mum, you and @GelatinousDynamo are both lovely, but are very different people with different likes and expectations. Leave it at that or things just won't work. You'll still see her when we come over and all will rub along fine."

Instead he fell apart when faced with her pathetic tears and needs to be made to pull himself together again. He can't make either you or his mother into people you are not. Both of them need to understand that by the sound of it.

Would it be true to say that you don't hate her, but you have nothing much in common and enjoy or want different things? Plenty of us had that sort of relationship with our MILs. I know I did. She was nice enough and was a good Grandma to our children, but she could still be prickly and fickle sometimes. We rubbed along well enough but we definitely would never have gone out to do "girly things" together. I doubt that would have occurred to either of us to be honest. 🤣 Yours seems to expect it.

I often wonder why men who think the sun shines out of their mums marry women who don't like them.
And why women marry men who adore their mother if they themselves dislike her so much. Stands to reason its going to go badly.
I hope you and your husband are able to come to a solution together.

You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.

While I understand he wants what is best for his mother, you can’t force two adults together. His expectations are unreasonable. Of course you need to be civil and step up in emergencies etc. From your post it sounds like you already are doing it.

The fact that he doesn’t get along with his MIL is icing on the cake. Hopefully with time he will sort through his feelings and see that your mother’s dream was that - a dream. Not something he or you can fix.

Your husband is your problem, not your MIL's misplaced expectations.

He expects you to act as her surrogate daughter and he abuses you by giving you the silent treatment when you don't.

He doesn't have your back.

If he wants to prioritize her trying to make you into the daughter she never had over your right to be who you are, send him back to his mom.

You and your MiL are not even compatible as companions, much less a forced surrogate daughter.

Is he usually this controlling?

Hubby is being unreasonable as his MIL, don’t buy into this rubbish, hopefully he soon cones to his senses and sees her for what hat she is a nasty woman.

Other than the psychological abuse, your marriage is good?

My MIL also wanted a girly DIL, I’m really not but we both made an effort to lean into each other’s spaces and rub along. That does require your MIL to make effort though not just you. Thankfully my dd is everything I’m not and they adore each other and can shop away together!

Out of curiosity, how old are you both? He sounds like he still has a lot of growing up to do.

Please note - op’s mother died, shortly before they were married.

YANBU, OP. It’s a bit silly to fantasise about a relationship that won’t ever exist. My mum’s friend had 3 boys and always blathered about how much she wanted a girl. Her second husband has 8 daughters, she doesn’t complain anymore

Ask him why he hasn't become your dad's bestie now that he's alone now. Why isn't he trying harder to talk to and spend time with your dad?

Because that's what he's asking you to do with his mum.

And then tell his mum unreasonable expectations are not your issue to fix. You tolerate her for his sake, but he is not going to make this your problem. It's hers.

Hang on - he told you she was upset? I’m wondering how much of this is him - is he upset you can’t have kids? Is this his way of getting angry at you? Like - you can’t have kids and this is a way to sulk with you? I don’t know but I wonder if he’s really handling it as well as you hope. At some point he will need to tell his mum no kids so maybe he thinks you being friends with her will ease that.

sounds like therapy would help him deal with all his stuff. The answer isn’t being besties with his mum - it’s him dealing with some tough reality

He can't fix her wish for a daughter by forcing you to act like one. That he thinks he can or should be fixing the emotional issues of an adult is giving codependency, plus the major control issues in trying to force you into that role. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse to try to change your mind.

It’s a shame your Mum’s sad, dear. Perhaps you should have been a girl, LoL!

Unfortunately she doesn’t like me because I’m not a girly kind of person. What a pity. You aren’t going to let it ruin our marriage are you?

@GelatinousDynamo your dh is increasing the frequency of his silent treatments of you, and this the longest and most intense - because she cried!? ‘So it clearly matters to him’. You seem remarkably calm about this. Think I’d tell him where he gets off with his childish sulking and not speaking TO HIS WIFE. Does he do this to his dm? Perhaps you should turn on the waterworks and weep copious tears, he obviously loves his mummy more than you, yada yada yada. Couldn’t be doing with this at all.

My situation is not particularly similar but I wanted to say well done for sticking to your boundaries on this one. I find the expectation (that seems to solely fall on women) to use their time to placate/ look after other people (who often don’t give them anything in return) infuriating. There’s this weird belief that we’re there to people please and it costs us nothing.

Your MIL is pining after an imaginary person. She is sad that she never had a daughter and that’s okay. But it is not your job to pretend to be someone you’re not to make her feel better. it’s certainly not your husband’s job to offer you up to fill that gap. It’s fake and it’s not solving the actual issue. Your MiL would get more from therapy than you sitting and listening to her gossip regularly.

If I were you, I’d tell your husband that the silent treatment is only making him look silly and that you’re ready to talk like adults when he is. I’d make it clear that you will never be what his mum wants. Not because you’re not a good or kind person but because his mum wanted a daughter. The sooner he realises that that is ultimately what this is about, the better. If he’s worried about his mum’s happiness, he should be the first to reflect on what he can do as her actual child to make her feel better rather than put all those big scary feelings of disappointing mummy at your door so he doesn’t have to deal with them.

Saying that, and in an attempt to empathise, that parent child guilt ‘bond’ can be awfully hard to break - it can feel physically painful or dangerous to let a parent down if you’ve grown up in a certain environment. If that’s the case, your husband could do with therapy too as he shouldn’t be freaking out over his mum’s feelings like this. It doesn’t suggest a healthy parent child dynamic

If he wants his mum to have better relationships he needs to start by spending time with her himself.

He can take her shopping, take her for lunch and invite her over. You don't need to do these things.

YANBU.

Ooft, I’m beginning to think you have a DH problem as well as a batshit MIL. I wouldn’t be forced into any kind of false closeness, and I’d find your DHs behaviour over this a real problem too. Your DH needs to drop it, and grow up. As does your MIL really. I’m sorry you are dealing with this op! My MIL was also batshit (and she lied for my ex when he was cheating on me, but that’s a whole other thread, lol)

“DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.”

What’s with the “true family”? Did you point out that your DF is as much “true family” as his mother, and in fact deserves more time because he’s on his own? Just ask DH whether he thinks it’s his responsibility to be bezzie mates with your DF? Tell him you have your own friends of your own age for shopping trips and gossiping, and that you accord your DMIL the respect she is due to her position as his mother, but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t know how you put up with the pre-wedding behaviour from her - I think I might have lost it. If your MIL finds out that you don’t want children, I should imagine she’ll definitely try to break up your marriage. She is utterly deluded and unreasonable - a DIL is neither a surrogate daughter nor her new BFF. The big problem is that your DH seems to think that you should fulfil either of those roles for her. If this carries on, it will be the end of your marriage.

Hi @GelatinousDynamo, I'm another one whose MIL had only sons and who would have loved me to be the daughter she never had, but unfortunately she drives me mad if I spend any length of time one on one with her. My DH understands.

This.
I always think it’s useful to observe a situation from the other side.
When DH expected me to entertain his DM when he was at golf, I said that if I invited my parents over and then went out for the day, would that seem reasonable?
He didn’t disagree.

this woman is bonkers....you are right to stay away for all many different reasons you mentioned

Possibly she was wanting to offer support and was just clumsy with it.

It's great that he cares about his mum but that doesn't give him the right to use the silent treatment to coerce OP into closer relationship with his mum so he gets a quiet life.

OP clarified. Nevermind.