AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

If he cares about her that much, he can go on shopping trips and do tea and gossip with her can’t he? Nobody is stopping him.

Came to say exactly this...OP your H is abusive...you've explained your reasons and he is trying to make things unpleasant so you'll bend to his wishes ...this cannot be described as the conduct of a good or even basically decent person...I'm not sure how you can feel this is acceptable in your closest relationship

You obviously come across as very reasonable and I'm very sorry that you were further upset at an incredibly hard time in your life. I really feel for MILs though. Women often do drive family relationships and it's easy this to lead to a lot of time spent with the wife's family because that's where the woman is comfortable. Many men do float along with this. You see MN posts from mother's of son's with this very fear and in practice, it often does play out like this. This can lead MILs to feel isolated but when it's expressed, it's viewed as an overstep. It's generally always going to be easier for a DIL because they're not reliant on the MIL for family connection or support the way a MIL is on a DIL.

I fully appreciate that you're different people and spending time with her sounds a bit boring and exhausting. I would still consider though that this is your husband's mother and someone very important to him. You don't say if you have children or want children in the future but if so then your MIL will be a very important part of your family. It sounds like she's quite lonely. That's not your problem to solve of course but it does explain her tears as something she's struggling with rather than her aiming to be a pain or break up your marriage.

For those reasons, I would try and approach this in a calmer and more balanced way that makes your husband MIL feel better without requiring much more of you. I would put events in the calendar so that they're locked in and she can have assurances about when you're next going to get together. This could be the normal things you attend but have it booked so she knows it's coming and talk it up a bit. When you speak to her, tell you're looking forward to seeing her at X event in Y weeks and keep referring back to this when she asks to see you more. Add her to a group chat that both you and your husband can use and (tell your husband to) send a photo every week. That takes only a few seconds and might change the dynamics a lot where she feels included. You can participate much less often but still be part of the group. Tell your husband that you value your MIL and want her to be included but it's really the mother-son relationship that will fill that void. Tell him to book in weekly time with her and expect him to stick to it.

None of this is to invalidate your frustration or how difficult she sounds. But MILs are family and sometimes need to be dealt with from a place of love and with empathy and tact. Changing your approach might make your DH feel like you're on the same team which is important.

Explain why. The mil can be on her way out of this world anyway. The husband might zip his mouth shut on certain topics and learn better

He can care for his mum as much as he wants. He can go on shopping gossipy trips with her.

What is disgusting behaviour is the man who psychologically abuses his wife by giving her the silent treatment at the tiniest criticism.

But other than the psychological abuse, the marriage is fantastic!

Great point here!

OP's mother has died. Try reading the OPs posts.

I do not see why a mature elderly woman makes something as silly and completely non essential as a big deal, going out to spend money, spending more money on food and gossiping. If you really love someone, just tell them

The drip feed about your mother’s passing is huge. Your DH should be more understanding here and back you up. She was outrageous to do this and you’re clearly just very different people who would never speak if you didn’t marry her son.

This!!! Book them a spa day together for their Christmas presents next year!

Thank you all for the overwhelming support and for highlighting the severity of the silent treatment. I appreciate the bluntness.

I want to address the many comments suggesting I end the marriage:
I hear you, and I completely understand why so many of you are saying I have a major DH problem. I know I do. The silent treatment is emotionally abusive and unacceptable, and I know that. I don't know why it's been getting worse lately - I think it's partly because of my career progression, but that's another topic.

However, outside of this specific pattern, DH is a genuinely loving partner. We have built a good life, we still laugh together, and we enjoy our time with each other. I have my faults, too, and he puts up with them. I'm not ready to give up on him.

A friend of my mum's has sons and brothers and has often talked about wishing to have a daughter. She wanted a close relationship with her daughters in law but it's like she had an idea in her head of how things would go and when that didn't happen instantly she got frustrated. She goes out of her way to antagonise her daughters in law now but luckily when she does things like comments on DILs appearance after giving birth her sons pull her up on it right away.

Your husband should understand that you can't be the imaginary bestie his mother conjured up in her own imagination and respect the person that you are.

It was five years ago. I don't think it's something they still think about, it's just me. They've probably forgotten all about it.

You don't exist to provide MiL with a DIl experience and she most certainly isn't some sort of quasi replacement for your departed mum
Sorry for your loss.

Was your husband aware of how she tried to insert herself into your mom's place in your wedding planning after her death while you were grieving?

I wouldn't advise marriage counseling here, your husband uses abusive tactics against you and you do not want to go into therapy with someone who is abusive.

It might be time for individual therapy and to look at what's going on in your marriage and your options.

Mils who said they would take over from the OP's own mother shortly after her mother died?

It doesn’t look like you and your DH are a match. You also do not wish to fit in with his family.

This relationship isn’t going to end well. You don’t mention kids….when issues will be magnified x 10. You'll resent the MIL’s involvement with her GC, the gifts she buys, the words she uses etc. This will also be coloured by the fact that your own mum isn’t here.

This will only lead to estrangement from his family…which long term wouldn’t work out for you and your DH.

I think you probably should have read all OPs posts before making comments about her having children…

Yes, he made her stop. I don't know what he told her, but she's never mentioned my mother again.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine (before my MIL got dementia) It just wasn't going to happen... My mother is still alive but because I had moved away from home and settled down with my now husband in the same county as his parents, my MIL thinks that she could take on this role and I would go to her if I wanted advice or to do mother/daughter things with her.. I would always reply when she texted or phoned but never initiated contact (just wasn't on my thought process) Luckily DH thinks she's batty so didn't try and coerce me into a false situation. I totally get you xx

OP, this is not a good man.
He has escalated his controlling abusive ways.
Be very careful.
This is far worse than an awful MIL.
Please reach out for support.
Can you stay with your father, friends or other family?
To take time and space?

I think it sounds like she’s been upset with your DH and instead of saying ‘mum, that’s just not going to happen’, he’s feeling guilty that she’s upset and resentful of you because if you’d just make an effort and pretend, she wouldn’t have a problem and he wouldn’t have to be listening to it. It’s very clearly not a thing about leaving the older generation stuck indoors on their own because he isn’t taking your dad to local football games or down the pub or helping him plant daffodil bulbs now, is he?

I’m pretty sure that if you told her that she was cruel and unfeeling over how she behaved after the loss of your mum, and racist etc, she wouldn’t recognise herself. She’s not seeing this situation the same way you are. And I don’t think your DH is either.

I would strongly suggest that you and he go and do some marriage guidance counselling with Relate. He needs to learn to separate you and his mum in his mind, and learn that you aren’t there to meet her emotional needs. He needs to learn how to put boundaries in place with her, so that he can comfort her, without attacking you and damaging your relationship. I think this has the potential to cause some significant damage between you if you smooth it over. Resentment tends to fester.

They get along, OP doesn't have to be best buddies with his mother to please them. She has a respectable and cordial relationship with her already and that's enough.

My MIL has never outwardly criticised me but I know that she wishes DH was married to a quiet girl who’s into fake tan, nails and going out for cocktails, and one who is happy being a housewife. I’ve got multiple degrees, a successful career and would never dream of being a housewife. I do love fashion but don’t follow ‘trends’ and I don’t drink. So an all round disappointment. I just crack on, I don’t exist to make MIL happy.

btw this is in no way a criticism of women who are housewives etc, it’s just not my bag. It takes all sorts 😃