AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

I think you have to be blunt with your dh that this closer relationship is never happening. There’s no advantage to dragging it out. He has to accept it and move on. Its a shocking and bitter pill for him (because he’s awful and foolish, like his mum) but he can force this pill down and get over it. One hopes.

This as well. My FIL told me I was expected to call MIL at least once a week.

When I asked how often he'd called his MIL when she was alive I got radio silence. It's such double standards. Who's ever seen a post here saying "my parents only had daughters so my DF wants a "son experience" but my DH is refusing.

Op I'd ask that of your DH "when will you be taking my DF to rugby/football/[insert stereotypical male activity].

This
They both sound controlling and like nightmares. The silent treatment over her drunken ramblings?!
Maybe it's time to bin them off

Agree wholeheartedly to this request, but with a stipulation for DH. For every afternoon you spend 1:1 with his mum, he has to spend one on quality 1:1 time with your dad. He starts.

No I've misread that one as "his parents"

Totally not the point of the thread but can I just point out ‘a little racist’ isn’t a thing. Someone’s either racist or they are not

I think it’s time to sit your dh down and tell him

1. his behaviour with the silence treatment is abusive and has to stop immediately and not be repeated
2. remind him about his mothers behaviour before your wedding after your mother died and how inappropriate it was and how he had to get involved
3. that his mother seems to have an idealised vision of a mother/daughter relationship, she is his mother not yours and therefore can never have a mother/daughter relationship as you are not her daughter.
4. point out that you have completely different interests and nothing in common so whilst it’s ok meeting up every so often it’s not necessarily going to work out at any other point
5. tell him that lots of mothers and daughters do t have the relationship his mother seems to have in her head. It’s just not going to happen and he needs to help his mother get over herself

Oh I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, no wonder you struggle with MIL after that experience.
Agree with others that your MIL was entitled to want a close female relationship with you but not to demand it. Your values are different and I can see how you would struggle to spend any time alone with her.
Your husband needs to step up and spend more time with his mum, maybe a trip to a cafe or wander around a garden centre or whatever. He certainly shouldn’t be sulking because you won’t capitulate, the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree and maybe this has been normal for him growing up? Does he give you the silent treatment at other times when he doesn’t get his own way?
Im not sure that I would suggest your husband increases contact with your dad as this will force you into doing the same.

Oh I was blunt, believe me. Hence the silent treatment. But I refuse to run after him and beg for forgiveness, I can be just as immature as he is... Not that it will resolve anything, but I'm done bending over backwards for him and his family.

I also have a dh with no sisters.
My mil tried the ‘daughter I never had’ too.
We are very different people and I’m allergic to ‘wife work’. My boundaries were hard for her but necessary in the long run. We don’t have a relationship outside of the times I see her with DH. In truth my mil isn’t a very genuine person and it was all for appearances.

The only fights I have with DH are about his parents. You have my sympathies. If it flares up I stick to my boundary and get on with my day.

Who taught your DH that giving the silent treatment is an acceptable way to deal with disagreement?

There is nothing 'immature' about not begging for forgiveness when you have done nothing wrong. Given your MIL's treatment of you at the time you lost your mother, you are the one who is owed apologies both from her and your 'D'H.

I have a daughter.

so far the “daughter experience” involves exactly zero gossiping, zero lovely shopping trips and zero girly days out.

we have had any number of shopping trips where I am informed that I am unstylish and out of date and that she will never wear what I think looks good, and where I have informed her that if she wants to buy totally inappropriate clothing she can damn we’ll pay for it herself followed by a few days of not speaking to each other.

in all seriousness, sounds like she’s yearning for something that was never going to exist.

I’d say to your dh that you just aren’t that kind of person and you never really will be. I’d also offer to spend a bit more time with her (to soften the blow) but say that it won’t get his mum what she wants as what she fundamentally wants is for you to be a totally different kind of person.

if you can stretch to putting a commitment to seeing her in the diary at some point this spring I suspect your dh (who is probably well aware of the truth) will accept things - he just wants his mum not to cry to him.

Leave him to it. He's probably only sulking because his mother is. Enjoy the peace. He'll get over it.

I am a MIL to a DiL. We see each other at family events and when we babysit. I occasionally text to let her know what we’ve been doing with our toddler grandson.
Although I would like a much closer relationship: to do some activities together, have the occasional holiday as a whole family this is clearly not wanted. They spend a lot of time with her parents and her sister’s family. I accept this as her right and choice. So I have my own girlfriends and activities, enjoy seeing our grandson and son, as well as our DiL on her terms. That’s the mature thing to do.

I feel seen 😂

Why doesn't he do the activities with his mum instead of you OP?

And 6) That in reciprocal terms, he has no relationship with your father and that you will be following his own example.

I think he’s clearly been repressing learned misogynistic ideas and he can’t bury them any longer. You need to remind him that he chose YOU, not this Stepford Fantasy bullshit manufactured by his mum. If she’s lonely, then she’s HIS mum and he can go and have tea parties and take her to dress shops and see how much he likes it. Make it very clear that you are very busy with your own life and get on with showing him. Organise things with friends. Follow your passions… Live your life for you, not this horrid Barbie Dreamhouse idea of hers.

Tell dh this IS the relationship mil would have had with you if you were a daughter…. You are different people and she has been a bitch in the past so you would have gone low contact as her child. You are happy to do that now if he wants!

you are not there to make mil feel happy about herself. If dh wants her to feel happy then he can fill his boots and do it.

If he gave me silent treatment I’d go out a lot, and tell him to let me know once he’s finished sulking

edit… I have never understood why women (and it is generally women) are expected to do shit they don’t want to do or enjoy to make someone else happy … as a one off fine but I’m pretty sure your dh wouldn’t accept visiting your dad weekly to go fishing if he didn’t get along well with your dad or like fishing!!!

My DM died several years before my wedding. If my MIL had behaved like yours I doubt I would have had much to do with her at all.

I would sit DH down and tell him straight. You are prepared to be perfectly polite to her at gatherings, but that’s it. She is not entitled to a daughter.

You have to minimize it on mumsnet because if you don’t and appear to condemn racism too wholeheartedly all the X voters and the anti Y ones come on and wail that the world is racist against them and their community but they are doubly hurt since they can’t call it racism. Also their racism is reasonable and virtuous and correct.

So OP was wise to through in “a little “ before the word. Saved everyone from getting their knickers twisted.

His mother doesn't expect him to, funnily. As I've said, she is what I would call old-fashioned if I was feeling nice (as in: misogynistic).

Also, let him know that if any exposure to MIL is manufactured by him to throw you two together, then you will not hold your tongue. You will share your thoughts about her misogyny and racism, educate her on your own political view points and use the sharpest knife possible to burst her little bubble of fantasy.

The silent treatment is abuse. Does your dh usually behave like a spoilt brat.

You and your MIL are completely different people. There is no point in trying to force it because it won't work. Tell your dh to take his mum out to lunch more often instead.

I had this issue with an ex. I had an international job, was the primary wage earner, travelled abroad most weeks. His mother rang me once in Fort Worth, in the middle of a meeting, to discuss dining tables. I thought someone had died.

You have to explain, you just don't have time or the inclination, that it just isn't you.

Or you could take her on a day out that you like - sailing, hill walking, spin class, cycling etc It might put her off.😁