AIBU to refuse to spend more time with my MIL after she confessed her disappointment in our relationship?

[GelatinousDynamo]

DH is my MIL's only child. She also has two much younger brothers she's partly raised, so I think she genuinely longed for a daughter-figure. She's also "the treasure" of the entire family.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 3. I think MIL spent years imagining a "friend/daughter" relationship with her future DIL. At the beginning she would hint at shopping trips, gossiping, and how she looked forward to doing "girly things" together. The problem is, I am not that person, I don't enjoy any of those things.
Also, we are completely different people. MIL is very old-fashioned, a little racist, very intolerant, and (loudly) judgmental of other people's life choices. Frankly, I do not enjoy her company and I would never spend any time with her if it weren't for DH. She has those affectations that drive me crazy, and she's frankly obsessed with our dog. I am polite, I engage with her when we are together, and I've never caused a scene. But I do not seek out spending time with her, nor do I text/call her regularly.

On Christmas Day, MIL had a bit too much to drink and cried to DH that she had imagined a different relationship with her DIL. DH has now taken this to mean that I need to try harder and start spending more time with her. He's asking me to force a closer relationship. I absolutely do not want to force myself to spend more time with someone whose company I do not enjoy and whose values I actively disagree with.
I believe (and told him) that his mother's feelings are unfortunate for her, but that it's not fair to place pressure or obligation onto me. She needs to work through her disappointment and misplaced expectations herself.

DH is now giving me the silent treatment and acting hurt that I won't just '"make any effort" for his mother. New year's eve was awful, he very pointedly made "spending more time with our true family" one of his NY's goals.

AIBU to refuse to try and force a closer relationship with my MIL, even though she is upset about our current dynamic? I feel like she's trying to break up our marriage.

I had a similar issue with my MIL but for different reasons - basically she's completely isolated herself through hers and FIL's life choices so was relying on the wife of their only child (my DH) to provide the company and friendship she's failed to generate for herself - I was outright told this by FIL early in my marriage when he told me what a disappointment I was as a DIL and how I needed to change behaviour to meet their expectations.

The problem is both MIL and FIL are horribly misogynistic, judgemental and controlling people and MIL and I have zero in common - not even DH because he is a completely different person around them because he feels he can't be himself because he'll be judged and criticised. So MIL and I were never going to have a close relationship but that call from FIL was the nail in the coffin.

It isn't your responsibility to provide entertainment for your MIL. Does she not have friends she can do girly things with?

How much time and effort does your DH spend on your parents?

I would spend equal amount of time with your MIL as your DH does one-on-one with your mum; I imagine that’s very little 🤷‍♀️

Thanks... It sounds similar, although my FIL does not involve himself in her dramas. My MIL does have a few female friends (they have "couple friends"), I think she wanted me to provide her with a "daughter experience".

Your MIL is allowed to long for / miss the relationship she thought she would have with some hypothetical DIL, that doesn’t make it your responsibility to fix her feelings at all!

As long as you’re polite, friendly and have normal MIL / DIL relationship (see each other on family occasions, birthday cards etc) I don’t think there’s anything more you need to do - especially if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

Is your DH really close with his mum? Perhaps you can suggest he takes up the mantle of cheering her up with his fantastic mother-son relationship? He needs to stop making passive aggressive resolutions and giving you the silent treatment to change a situation he’s clearly been absolutely fine with until his mother’s dramatics when she’s had a bit too much to drink. You can’t force a closer relationship, it’s not genuine and won’t be easy or the right thing to do.

I think you need to try to find a more middle ground with DH. So his mum has been in tears with him, of course he's trying to "fix it". It's kind of normal that he would like 2 people he loves to get along.

It doesn't sound like MIL actually wanted to spend more time with you, she just was disappointed that you were not besties. Could you gently point that out to DH? Or could you point out that your interests and hobbies are not the same so MIL won't want to go hiking or whatever and you dont want to go shopping. Even DH can understand if 2 people dont have the same interests they aren't going to spend ao much time together.

Finally, are you sure that your true feelings for MIL are not coming out as I think it's hard to remain neutral given you seem to have strong feelings. Maybe just agree to be more inclusive of MIL or something equally non committal and try to watch that your dislike of her doesn't shine through.

He calls them once a week and they text often.

Honestly OP, your husband sounds as awful as his mother.
Positively nasty.
I think you should definitely rethink the marriage, especially if you don't have children.
Leave him to his awful mother.

My mum is actually a sore topic in this relationship

They both sound like wankers. Fucking hell.

What can you do? You have a dh problem as well as a MIL problem. I mean she feels what she feels. People in hell will want ice water, too. But OP’s DH doesn’t have to take OP’s ice water for his mummy.

You are going to have to work on the dh side of the equation rather than just cut iff mil. At the very keast I would demand everything be done as a couple with her and FIL. They don’t get to assign you the role of MIL’s vest friend snd minder. Or use you as a “meat shield” to avoid her emotional and recreational demands.

So when will DH be taking your mother out for afternoon tea and taking your father out for a pint?

Your DH calls your parents once a week?

Your dh is a bully. And The Silent Treatment is a recognised sign of abuse..
He can forge whatever relationships he wants.. But he can't force you to.
Or suggest maybe he next dw could fill the slot that's possibly going to be available..

You absolutely should not be expected to try to be 'closer' to her when it's clear you can't give her the kind of relationship she would want. I'm like you, I couldn't have a 'doing "girly" stuff' relationship with anyone as it's just not my personality; you can't be the 'daughter' she wants and she needs to accept that.

Some more details regarding my mum: I tolerated my MIL, but started to actively dislike her after my mother died, before our wedding. We postponed the wedding because I needed time to grieve. Instead of respecting my need for space, MIL launched into what felt like a full-on campaign to replace my mother. She constantly sent me links to dress shops and declared that she would now take over everything a mother would normally do, because my own mum was "no longer there." She constantly and unnecessarily reminded me of my mother's death. At the time, it felt less like support and more like she saw my grief as an opportunity for her to shine and fulfill her "daughter" fantasy. This made me feel awful and I pulled back even more. My gut reaction was that she was seeing my trauma as her gain. DH made her stop, but she's never apologized.

Holy Shit! That’s bad. That’s unforgivable.

Sorry I read your question as "his parents". He does not call my dad, ever. He will sometimes text him.

See this in itself is batshit. What is a "daughter experience" because my mother is not girly at all, hates shopping, couldn't plait hair if her life depended on it, etc nothing that I expect would fall into the "daughter experience". Her expectations are probably founded on ridiculous gender stereotypes.

@Liverpool52 I know that this is batshit but I'm starting to think that DH doesn't

Out of interest. What would that actually look like? ("Forcing a closer relationship")

Not that id do it anyway.... yanbu

I would have liked a better relationship with my MIL. But we are so totally different it would never have worked . Luckily she had my SIL who was much more patient with MIL character and did seem to enjoy her company . Maybe because she didn't have a great one with her own mother . I had a very strong relationship with mine so maybe I just didn't want another mother/ daughter scene .

Feel a bit sorry for MIL but she needs to manage her expectations. You aren't going to be her best friend but you are certainly not her enemy.

She's being a bit ridiculous having this mental idea, even for a daughter. Many girls hate gossip, fripperies and materially-focused activities like shopping trips, especially in this time of environmental crisis.

It really fucks me off that women get this yoke of sociability and making conversation dumped on them, just because our sex tends to be 'better' at it than men. It's not very disability-friendly.

PS. Does your DH really call your parents once a week and text them regularly? Because I find that surprising and wonder if you misread that post.

That is just shocking OP, I am so sorry. She - and your DH - should count themselves lucky that you tolerate her at all. You would be justified in cutting her off for that.

I really love my mother in law (who has no daughters), but in the 30 years I’ve known her, we’ve never once been out on ‘girly’ trips. No shopping, beauty treatments together or coffee shops. It’s just not me, and it’s not her either. It’s ludicrous to invent a fantasy person based on this silly stereotype.