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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave my assets to my family

225 replies

Dilemmalarma · 04/01/2026 11:58

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 04/01/2026 12:00

I think he should come round to your point of view or don't bother buying with him.

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/01/2026 12:03

I wouldn’t buy a house together. There will always be something to disagree about.

Snaletrale · 04/01/2026 12:03

I don’t think you are unreasonable but neither of you are wrong.

It’s just one of those situations where one will have to give way, or give up on the idea of buying a house together.

IfWhippetsRuledTheWorld · 04/01/2026 12:04

You've only been together 3 years, aren't married, and he thinks inheriting all your share of the property automatically (joint tenants) or tying up your half until he dies is reasonable? I agree with you and I'd suggested renting together for now and seeing how it goes. Him getting cross about it is a red flag to me.

Itsmetheflamingo · 04/01/2026 12:04

It seems like your suggestion of a relationship doesn’t align with what he thinks a relationship is. I think that’s more fundamental than half a house

NotrialNodeal · 04/01/2026 12:06

I hope you haven't bought the house already.

DierdreDaphne · 04/01/2026 12:06

He appears to be thinking of this purchas in terms of "his" house with you contributing and living in it, rather than half his half yours.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

I would definitely want to hang on to my own assets and keep them completely separate, now that attitude has become apparent.

midsomermurderer · 04/01/2026 12:09

After three years this is madness on his part. Presumably he is leaving his share and his estate to his daughter and wont allow you the same courtesy.

After three years either do as you propose or have your own houses, rent them out and use that income to rent a bigger property together.

outerspacepotato · 04/01/2026 12:13

If you want your assets to go to your sister, don't buy a house with someone who sees it as their house and thinks they should inherit or tie up your biggest asset.

Iloveacurry · 04/01/2026 12:15

Don’t buy a house with him.

Catza · 04/01/2026 12:16

Nobody should be getting angry when discussing joint financial decisions. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Don't buy a house together.

UnhappyHobbit · 04/01/2026 12:24

This seems very odd behaviour if he has more than you in the first place.

JLou08 · 04/01/2026 12:26

I'd feel the same as your DP. To have to think about having to sell my home and find another after losing my DH would be horrible. It doesn't give him security in his home knowing that if you die he will have to go through selling the home and finding another one within 3 years. That will be even tougher for him if he is of an advanced age when it happens.

taxguru · 04/01/2026 12:28

YABU. Will trusts (life tenancies) are usually for the life of the surviving partner. I don't think I've ever seen one with a time restriction. You'd effectively be making him homeless after your 3 year suggestion. I can see why he was angry. If tables were turned, would you like to be forced to leave your home after just 3 years after your partner died and forced to find somewhere cheaper to live?

It sounds as if you're not on the same page at all and shouldn't be buying/living together. It seems as if it's going to be a red-line between you.

Itsmetheflamingo · 04/01/2026 12:29

JLou08 · 04/01/2026 12:26

I'd feel the same as your DP. To have to think about having to sell my home and find another after losing my DH would be horrible. It doesn't give him security in his home knowing that if you die he will have to go through selling the home and finding another one within 3 years. That will be even tougher for him if he is of an advanced age when it happens.

I think this is very likely the problem. Who wants to have this hanging over their old age? It’s hassle, people like to set themselves up for a peaceful retirement, not having this complex housing situation hanging over them.

that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to do what you like with your assets. But it does mean you’re in different places

Original poster
Dilemmalarma · 04/01/2026 12:31

DierdreDaphne · 04/01/2026 12:06

He appears to be thinking of this purchas in terms of "his" house with you contributing and living in it, rather than half his half yours.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

I would definitely want to hang on to my own assets and keep them completely separate, now that attitude has become apparent.

Edited

His reasoning is that he may not want to move house at 70 or older regardless of having the funds to do so and said that I would be turfing him out from beyond the grave!
We haven't purchased a home together yet.
If we bought together and he died first id be perfectly happy to downsize to enable his daughter to access her inheritance.

Had my suggestion proposed a financial struggle for my partner in the future I wouldnt have made it.. but he'd have the funds to move or, if he didnt want to move, buy my sister out. My worry is my sister is the same age as my partner, so if he had the lifetime right to live in the property, she may never see any inheritance from my share.

I wouldn't want to sit on his share of the property if he died first ....id rather his daughter benefitted while young.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 04/01/2026 12:32

Are you expecting to die prematurely? If I'm reading right, your sister is same age as your DP who is in his 50s and you're in your 40s, so she is around 10 years older than you?
Planning your life around leaving an inheritance for your sister to enjoy whilst young seems crazy if she is a decade older than you and you aren't expecting to die soon.

Original poster
Dilemmalarma · 04/01/2026 12:33

JLou08 · 04/01/2026 12:26

I'd feel the same as your DP. To have to think about having to sell my home and find another after losing my DH would be horrible. It doesn't give him security in his home knowing that if you die he will have to go through selling the home and finding another one within 3 years. That will be even tougher for him if he is of an advanced age when it happens.

Thank you, that's helpful in enabling me to see both sides.

OP posts:
Itsmetheflamingo · 04/01/2026 12:33

If he has access to so much cash he can easily buy your sis out without a mortgage what about you buying 2 houses between you and renting one out? That way there would always be a family home and a source of inheritance

loislovesstewie · 04/01/2026 12:35

I wouldn't be happy to continue if I was either of you. If you want your will to benefit your sister then his plan wouldn't, but neither would I want to faff around having to sell a property if I was older, settled and happy in it. At your ages you could each live another 30 plus years, either of you might need care, the property might need to be adapted, either of you might have to spend money on that. How would that be funded? Clearly I don't know how wealthy he is, so all of that might be easily funded, it's just a thought.

Original poster
Dilemmalarma · 04/01/2026 12:35

taxguru · 04/01/2026 12:28

YABU. Will trusts (life tenancies) are usually for the life of the surviving partner. I don't think I've ever seen one with a time restriction. You'd effectively be making him homeless after your 3 year suggestion. I can see why he was angry. If tables were turned, would you like to be forced to leave your home after just 3 years after your partner died and forced to find somewhere cheaper to live?

It sounds as if you're not on the same page at all and shouldn't be buying/living together. It seems as if it's going to be a red-line between you.

Well thats the thing.. its not ideal.. but id want to downsize so his daughter could have her inheritance sooner rather than wait for me to pass away.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 04/01/2026 12:41

Don't buy a house with anyone so entitled and inflexible. How dare he get angry?

Our generation has hundreds of thousands of divorcees, all with the same issue and he needs to catch up with his ideas. There is no benefit for you in buying together if he thinks it entitles him to everything you own. He is effectively saying the rest of your family is irrelevant.

I have a ds. I will protect my assets for him, and any new partner must understand that, and be prepared to compromise.

PardonMe3 · 04/01/2026 12:42

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years

This is more than reasonable. I think 1 year is long enough TBH.

Personally, I wouldn't buy a house with him. I think it's a ball ache in event of separation.

FrostAtMinuit · 04/01/2026 12:43

Neither of you is being unreasonable (although it’s not great he got angry). Personally I’d feel as he does- I wouldn’t want to buy together unless I had the security of knowing it could be my home for life. 3 years may sound long but won’t feel it if he is grieving and having to make major life decisions at the same time. It’s also going to be very difficult if he is very elderly and/or ill at that time.

Equally you’re not being unreasonable- you just have different priorities.

This all makes me wonder whether this is the right time to buy together.

taxguru · 04/01/2026 12:43

What happens if you both live to, say, 80, and then one of you dies. The survivor would probably be too old, inform, or incapable of dealing with selling the house and moving!

I suppose, there's an argument for a 3 year limit at your current stage in life, i.e. only just starting out together (it is a new relationship after all), and you're both relatively young, fit, and able to move/relocate if necessary, and of course, you won't have many memories/sentimentality for a house you've only just moved in to. But as the years pass, the 3 year arbitrary limit starts to look more and more unrealistic as you build your new future together, make memories in your joint home, etc.

Maybe a compromise would be writing the will so that there was a 3 year limit for, say, the first 5-10 years, and then the will trust reverting to a whole life interest in possession, so that if either of you dies sooner rather than later, i.e. the survivor young enough to move on and not be bogged down with memories, etc., the 3 year limit applies, but once you've been together much longer, getting older, more memories, etc., the survivor has the lifetime interest??