To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

I absolutely would not be buying a house with him under any other arrangement than tenants in common and my half would be left to my family - I'm not sure I'd even bother with a trust for him to stay there.
He could then buy your sister out or sell up.
Three years in and he thinks you should leave the house to him? For his daughter not your sister?
No way
Scrub the above, I probably would not buy a house with him at all.

But leaving aside the partners viewpoint do you really think it's a good idea for the OP to be putting herself in a position where she has to move out of her home in her 60s/70s? I know she says she ll be happy to downsize but where's the guarantee she ll have enough to buy somewhere outright with half the proceeds of a small house? Imo what's she proposing is even worse for her own outcomes nevermind him

I didn’t say 2 bed. I said 2 person.

they decided it was the right size for 2 people, why couldn’t 1 continue to live there? It’s not like they bought it for a family of 5.

I think it’s perfectly sensible. 3 years is more than sufficient to organise to buy your sister out. If you bought on this basis he can ensure the money is set aside for this purpose and emotionally know that this might be a situation that could arise.

I’m also with your dp. I’m in a second marriage and wouldn’t want to be forced to move after the blow of losing my husband.. if your sister is your priority you should not be entangling your life financially.

Apologies…misread it - but the point is THEY HAVEN’T BOUGHT A HOUSE! There is no house, 2 person, 2 bed or whatever.

Wanting a life time interest is grabby

No it's not, it's a very normal arrangement to have between partners who share a house.

Three years in and he thinks you should leave the house to him? For his daughter not your sister?

It's not leaving the house to him, to then pass on to his daughter. It's allowing him to live in the house until he moves/dies, then he leaves his half to his daughter, and her half to her sister.

I don’t understand why you are saying that. I am well aware they haven’t bought a house yet.

All the posters up in arms going on about the DP being old and vulnerable and turfed out...that's not the situation though. They're been together 3 years, he's only 53. Obviously the OP can change her will later if they're still together and are more financially entwined, but for now they're not and haven't been together long enough for OP to feel obligated to leave him her main asset over her sister.

When people buy a house together and there are children from another relationship, it’s standard for the remaining partner to have the right to live in the house for their lifetime.

Read the convo - I posted on the fact that many people often downsize… YOU then replied going on about ‘it’s only a 2 person house’, where this is no house. Yet.

Am not sure we are both speaking the same form of English.

Anyway I am out. Cannot be bothered.

You’re picking on something that isn’t important. Relax. All anyone’s said is they don’t agree with you that it’s common for people to downsize when their partner dies. It’s no big deal.

Don't buy together. There are other wsys of living together if that's what you want.

We have lifetime interest but the money transfers to my DD’s if he sells (or vice versa) if something happens to him I don’t want to be forced to move, think about it that way

I think I would be inclined to maintain separate households but spend time together as you wish.

This!

I don't understand how his feelings are impacted. If @Dilemmalarma dies and wants to stay in the home, he can afford to buy the sister out. I don't know why paying for the 50% that he doesn't own would upset him.

Personally, I wouldn't buy with him at all. I think @Dilemmalarma would be better to keep her own independent home and finances. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Selling a home as tenants in common, if a relationship ends, can be a ball ache. If the parties don't agree to selling you need a court order (TOLATA) to force the property sale. Its costly, time consuming and can leave you stuck living with someone you don't like for a long time.

Thank you for this.. I wasnt aware and will need to.look into things in more detail.

I dont think there is a solution that would allow us to buy together and safe-guard the funds i want to leave my sister...at least not one my partner is willing to discuss.

If we'd met 20 years ago and built a life together over that time id quite possibly feel very differently but as it stands his DD has been in my partners life way longer than I have...id not feel comfortable benefitting from his share of the house while she had nothing until possibly retirement age...so i dont understand why he has the attitude that what's mine should become his.

Will he contribute to a generous life insurance policy so you have something to leave your sister? Point out as it stands, his dd would inherit his pensions etc so it’s not as imperative for him to release the house money. You don’t have that option therefore you are looking at it from a different angle and want to make sure your sister gets something, just like his dd would.

But does your sister have kids? Because unless you’re suffering from a life limiting illness she will likely be the one who dies before you so who will get your share in that event? If he has tenfold to buy out your share when you die, then why are you stressing about his DD to the extent that you are, as she will be more than okay on his death? It sounds like you don’t want to buy with him, aren’t brave enough to say so, so instead are inventing stupid excuses not to.
i also think you’re lying/exaggerating about him having ten times the money to buy your sisters share without counting pensions. That doesn’t make sense. If he had say 1.5m in current savings (assuming your modest house is 300k so your sisters share would be 150k) he would likely already own at least one property and be a wealthy man. I doubt very much he’d be entertaining moving into a small home with you that he’d be concerned about losing in old age. It would also make zero sense for him to say his DD would be okay as she’d inherit from her mum, as surely she’d also be getting his additional 1.35 million or so on his death so surely he’d be mentioning that rather than money she’d inherit from her mother?

I think the whole thread is a bullshit fantasy.

I'm with DP on this one, I think it's much deeper than just about money. I wouldn't want to be kicked out of my home, I think it's fine for it to be split when you are both gone. If he has so much money as you say, I think it's more about it being his home that than that he wants to profit off you.

I was going to apologise for not mentioning that the reason my partner has funds is that he had a good job for decades then post divorce sold the family home, bought a couple more flipped one then renovated the other and sold it ...he lived with me for a bit then renting since as my house is small...however thinking about it, why should I have explained. Its not that unusual for someone in their mid-fifities to have a few million....im not in that league at all..but it doesnt seem unbelievable to me, many people that age have more (especially if theyve sold their home and not bought another) and many a lot less.

My sister doesn't have any children.
DPs ex-wife doesnt have the same 'wealth' as DP...so his daughter wouldn't get a huge inheritance from her Mum but I think she'd be OK. Im not worried about my partners DD being left waiting for inheritance...I dont know her well enough to be worried...but i would feel uncomfortable being the reason she had to wait a long time to receive it.

If we buy a small home together my partner will save on paying rent and may well buy himself a second property to rent out as not investigating in a huge property leaves him funds for other things.

Buying a small house together rather than something bigger would be due to me not having the same funds as my partner..id be selling my house to release funds for my share and cant equal what he could invest in a larger home.

No it’s not unusual to have wealth in your 50s. What is unusual is for you to be rigid to this extent about having a clause to chuck him out of his home if you were to die. And you say you’re not worried about his DD but you said in several posts that she shouldn’t have to wait for her inheritance. As his DD, I wouldn’t give a crap because I’d assume that if my dad had been living with someone for decades before his death that I wouldn’t stand to inherit this house anyway (and I’m sure the other 1m plus I’d get would be more than enough).

You haven’t addressed the point that your sister is highly unlikely to outlive you given your age gap. So she’s unlikely to benefit and you’ve said she has no children so what provision does your will make for what happens if she dies first?

I made my first will a few years back and the solicitor asked me to specify what would happen if my sister died before me...I nominated a charity.
If I do buy a house with my partner I'll probably change my will to state that if my sister isn't around when I die, my partner benefits.

This isn't how I read it. He wants the right to live in his own home IF his partner dies first. By that time he could have been living there for many years and be too old to make moving easy. He is also expecting this to work the other way round. Putting the needs of a long term partner first isn't an unreasonable way to behave in a relationship.