To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

Unless your sister is a great deal younger than you it's unlikely to be of much use to her anyway. Could you do something to help her now? I think that your partner has a point about having to move in his dotage. It makes his future very insecure.

Why is he getting angry at the unlikely situation that both him and your sister outlive you? Doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to live out your days with really.

I'm all for protecting your assets and leaving them to whoever you choose BUT you don't sound in the same place.

Personally I couldn't imagine kicking out a grieving partner so soon after their life partner dies.

Surely his DD would inherit his pension/life insurance and would be in no rush for the house.

Likewise you could put life insurance in place so your sister inherits. This shouldn't be about a home you are making together. That can have a lifetime/until new relationship deadline to protect someone you should love and care for

I am a couple of years older than your DH and I wouldn’t want to be forced to move if my DH died. I might choose to do so but I might not want to upend my life and move from a familiar home after being widowed. Depending when it happened I might not be in a fit state to move.

Honestly you should not buy together as neither of you are on the same page.

You see this more like buying with a friend in that if one person dies then the house is sold and their half left to their loved ones.

He sees it as you are buying as a life partner/married couple and when one person dies they want the other to keep their home until they die.

Neither of you see this purchase and probably the relationship in the same way.

Sorry if I wasnt clear. My DP has quite a lot of savings and pensions to the extent he could stop working now if he wanted to so could potentially quite easily buy my sister out and then he wouldnt have to move at all..although I do appreciate in looking ahead 20 years or so, things can change.

I totally get where your DP is coming from. A house is not just a financial transaction - it will be your home. You could live their for many years to come, build up a community there, it would become both of yours safe and happy space. Would be awful to always know one of you would have to sell up if the other one died first. You could never fully settle, knowing that might be round the corner. I know you said you would be happy to downsize, but you might not feel like that in years to come if you come to really love your home, and he clearly doesn't think he will feel happy to do that. I think if you love some one enough to commit to buying a home with them, you need to fully commit to that being a forever home. There's nothing to stop both of you putting your share in trust when you die so that it ensures the other keeps their family home in their old age but that you can pass on your share to your side of the family once you have both gone. This is what me and my husband have done. I want to ensure my daughter inherits if I die first but I'd never want to force my husband to move out of his home in order for that to happen - I love him and want him to be able to live happily and stress free if I wasn't there.

In that case, OP, I think your 'D'P may regard you as a financial opportunity, and I would be even less likely to buy a house with him. Getting angry is bullying and suggests you are thwarting his plans.

I'd be heading for the hills, but I'm old and cynical..

Interesting. If I was the DP I would be concerned about getting involved with someone with so much less money than I had because I would wonder if their motive was to get hold of some of my money, or at least lead a more comfortable lifestyle than they could alone.

You say that now but if you were 80 you may not feel that way at all. You may want to move but find yourself incapable like my aunt.

This. All I’d be able to hear if someone I loved proposed this would be ‘once I’m dead I need you to leave our home so my sister can have it.’ It would probably make me a bit angry too, if my DH suggested this.

It’s very valuable to have these conversations before you buy a house and before you are old. But you have different ideas and they don’t seem compatible. You say you want to buy a home together, and you are already, before buying it, putting a condition in place that could cause monumental upset in the future. I would be devastated to have to leave my long term home as a direct result of my my partner dying.

He is financially better off that you but wants to automatically inherit your main asset, after a 3 year relationship?

I wouldn't be having that.

However. the Will you write now should be fit for purpose for the next 5- 10 years or so. Not with you being say, 90, in mind. So within 10 years your DP will NOT be in his 70s, he will be a youthful 63 year old. He may well still be working and earning and certainly at a life stage to move house.

So I would stick to your guns, explain this and say Wills can be re-assessed and updated as appropriate as time goes on and circumstances change. If you reach an older age together then the time your Niece would need to wait has been reduced anyway and you could maybe change the Life Interest in the Will to 'the end of life' or until he decided to go into a home or something.

@Tryingtomoveisdrivingmecrazy has said what I’m thinking so much more eloquently than me.

I can sort of see his point. In my early fifties I wouldn’t want to be living in a house where I could get booted out if my partner died. I would want some kind of secure arrangement so if those were your terms I would probably want to stay in my own place.

Live happily apart in different homes! End of issue. Your money and your wishes should be respected.

Totally agree with this. You have no idea how you’ll feel in the future. Losing a partner in your 70’s/80s and then knowing you have 3 years in which to leave would be awful.

Different situation I know but I had friends who got an interest only mortgage with no vehicle to pay it back 20 plus years ago with the intention that when the mortgage term came to an end they’d sell, downsize and move to a cheaper area. In their 40’s they had no qualms about doing this but now it’s happening in their 60’s they’re really struggling with having to sell their house and everything they’ve known for the past 20-25 years but really have no choice. In fact they’re scrabbling around for alternative solutions which mean they don’t have to leave.

Neither the OP nor her DP are anywhere near 80. The Will can be updated to reflect a different reality once they approach old age.

Neither of you is right or wrong - you just have different approaches to what a serious relationship looks like. Some people want to be 'all in' but I note he isn't offering to share all his assets with you, but is happy for you to risk your sole asset. FWIW, I think his way is better when a young couple are starting out and building shared assets, but yours is more sensible when it comes to older people who have built their own wealth/don't have shared children. It's totally reasonable that you want your money to benefit your loved one and not ultimately be inherited by his grown daughter.
In some ways though, this is a risk for him too, in terms of house ownership. If you went for joint tenants and he died, you would own the whole house and his dd would not be entitled to anything. Same with a lifetime right to reside in the house if you went for tenants in common and he died first. But if he has many more assets, I guess that's a risk he can afford to take more than you can, since his dd will still get a large inheritance.
I think I'd revisit this conversation and say that if you had similar assets to him, then his preference wouldn't be a problem for you, but since the house will be your sole (or main) asset, then you want a legal agreement that protects your right to leave it to your sister - be that the sale of the house or an agreement that he buys her out.
3 years in a relationship isn't long enough to risk everything you have imo. If he won't see your pov id advise not getting financially entangled with him.

The OP isn't proposing marriage, she is suggesting a straight 50:50 equal sharing of costs of accommodation. How would that disadvantage her dp in any way?

My DPs own their house as tenants-in-common, but after one of them dies, the other has the right to spend the rest of their life in the property. How would you feel about that arrangement?

But that would mean both parties agreeing. If they are so far apart now, how likely are they to agree in the future? And what if 1 dies suddenly before any change to a will? It's foolish to start off not agreeing.

@EstoyRobandoSuCasa have you read the OP's reasons for suggesting they do it her way? 🤔

i feel the opposite - like he's thinking of her as a wife or life partner where it's your home together and when one of you goes, the other stays in it. The assets can still be split when the surviving partner dies, but to say he needs to leave because she's died is not the usual way when it's a committed long-term relationship (would he/you get married, OP? Would that change things for you?).

OP on the other hand is being pretty cold and financially focused. It's just a house, he can easily sell it and buy another and move on so sister and DD inherit. Which is extra strange given that OP is significantly younger than both DP and her sister, so it's weird she's got this idea she'll be the one to die when her sister is young enough to enjoy the money and DP is young enough to move house no probs. The much more likely scenario is that she'll outlive sister and DP and all this is a needlessly upsetting thought experiment. Even her saying she'd be fine to downsize so the DD gets her dad's inheritance is pretty cold, and ignores what DP has already said about DD getting enough anyway so that shouldn't be anyone's priority.

I think he shouldn't buy with OP so he can keep his own property and she can leave what money/assets she has to whoever she wants and not co-mingle them with him. He wants a home where he can stay so if the OP's priority is leaving her wealth to sister in some early death scenario, she shouldn't tie it up in a house that he wants to stay in.

Good points. Not to mention if either may need formal care. I’d be with DP on this. Having certainty important. Knowing your home may be lost if partner passes is a cloud hanging over peace of mind. OP you’re in your 40s now. In your 70s or 80s giving up your home is not so easy to do and who knows what the rental or housing market be like then. If you can’t agree, don’t buy together.

A time restriction isn't unusual. We were asked what we wanted when we bought our house together. We went for 5 years at the time, but now we've been together longer and are both retired we're going to change it to lifetime. Mainly because half the value of a house only buys you something a lot smaller, not half the size.