To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

The thing is OP you just see this future house as an asset where he sees it as his home and I am on his side. I would be angry and upset if someone I was buying a home with as a partner wanted to boot me out of my home whilst grieving if they died. Who knows what the future holds and you just see it as he had some investments so he will be fine financially but no thought to any emotions as a partner.

I would advise you both not to buy together as my previous post.

If you wanted to leave your sister something why not take our life insurance and leave it to her but the house to him.

One of the potential problems with his suggestion of a joint tenancy would be that you are likely to outlive him, you may then need residential care and under the current system you will either pay or the local authority will put a charge against the house and could take it all after your death. Does he have a will and what provision has he made for his DD?

Team OP.

No offence meant but he's a boyfriend of 3 years and buying together is something you're doing so you have someone to live together... its a practical life decision, therefore TiC is sensible.

You aren't married or joining lives and families so Joint Tenants and lifelong interest isn't the way to go IMO.

You aren't seeking to fuse assets and make eachother primary benefactors after 3 years. You're moving in and looking to buy as a sensible financial decision for now. He needs to understand that perspective.

Of course he got angry - he thought that he was in the type of relationship where you are each other's top priority after kids. Realising he's not must be very upsetting. Not only do you prioritise someone else on your death, but you don't even give him the right to live in your joint home until his death. If you love your partner you want them to have as little extra heartbreak as possible after your death surely.

If we bought together and he died first id be perfectly happy to downsize to enable his daughter to access her inheritance.

You don't know that for sure though.

You could be in your 80s, well settled & not wanting the upheaval.

My thoughts exactly. It doesn't sound like it's about money as he has enough of his own.

Easy.

Ensure he dies first. 😀

I would either buy together keeping existing properties to rent out, so then your rented house would be free at your death and you do TIC for the joint house with him living there until his death, or you both keep existing houses rent them out and rent somewhere to live together

Also, with a joint tenancy / downsize to give away money situation, you may be pursued for deprivation of assets if you subsequently needed financial help to pay for care.

Because huying life insurance costs OP money thst she isn't planning to spend.

Insane IMO to actively plan to leave a boyfriend of 3 years her life's assets over her sister, whichnis what she wants to do, just to keep the peace.

They can revise the decision in 10 years if still together.

Can't imagine people would advise joint tenants to him if he had any intention of leaving something to his own child.

My worry is that he doesn't seem to be thinking about his DD in all of this which makes me think he expects to spend it if OP goes first because he isn't interested in how OP could spend or distribute the house money if he goes first.

OP, I'd think hard because even if he now agrees he seems the sort to make it hard: if you do die first your sister will likely have to force him to move out and sell via the legal routes and is that the stress and hassle she needs?

What’s the point of making a will if it’s got to be updated. I wouldn’t move into a house now that I’d have to vacate within 3 years if my partner died. It’s almost as bad as renting.

You have different and opposing goals. You need to talk further until you reach agreement. I also think you need to think more deeply about your personal goals, as in the normal course of events your much older sister is already not young enough to enjoy an inheritance from you. Statistically, you will outlive her. Do you mean her child? You need to think harder about all this.

It’s not the tic at issue - it’s the time period to move out.

I'm very surprised at some of the answers tbh, I wouldn't want to be signing up to finding a new home in my 60s/70s/80s, any home I d buy at this stage I'd be future proofing to make it possible to stay in as long as possible eg being able to have or add a downstairs bathroom and bedroom.
I'd have no problem with you leaving your half to your sister once I'm dead or no longer able to physically live in the house though, or if I did have enough money at the time I'd happily buy her out but I wouldn't want to be tied to having to do that, who knows how savings/pensions/property prices will be like in 20+ years

His reasoning is that he may not want to move house at 70 or older regardless of having the funds to do so and said that I would be turfing him out from beyond the grave!

I completely see this point of view. I wouldn't want to be thrown out of the home I've lived in for potentially 30-40 years at that age either.

Just from a practical perspective, if he does, would have of the proceeds form what you describe as a “small house” allow you to buy somewhere else outright? You mention downsizing but is that really much cheaper given the house you’ll be downsizing from is already small?

I’d do tenants in common with your share to your sister etc but I think expecting him to move out is unfair. You need to add a life interest clause.

Personally I think you ARE being unreasonable. It's unlikely that you will predecease either your DP or your sister (unless you know something you haven't told us), and your DPs suggestion provides better security for you - assuming the arrangement is equal on both sides.

BUT,
I think the fact that he got cross about it is a big red flag. If you're going to work as a couple you need to be able to talk through big decisions sensibly until you get to a position you both feel happy with.
So, I agree with PPs, it would be a bad idea to buy a house with this man.

I can see it from your partner’s perspective. It’s interesting to read this as my mum is currently considering selling half of her house to her partner, with the same clause at the end which he has insisted on. As a family we have all said we won’t feel comfortable watching our mum get turfed out of her home when she is elderly (maybe this is different as she couldn’t afford to buy the half back) and that it is really heartless of him to ask as it shows no consideration for her if something happened to him. Before he suggested this, I would have been happy for him to live in the house until he died if anything were to happen to my mum, despite the fact it would’ve meant more of a wait for inheritance for me.

I'm with your DH. I want to know I can stay in my home forever if I choose. I don't want to know that I might lose my OH and then have to move out to pay off her sister. I want my home to be my home.

This is a really good point, and renders a lot of his argument moot. Personally I wouldn't mind moving, seventies isn't that old but others feel differently. Many people this age move anyway to a home without stairs or yardwork.

Frankly, if you're sister is older than you she's unlikely to inherit from you unless you gift her earlier.

I’m on his side with this. Like others I would see it as our home, and if I lost my partner and was then forced to leave the home we shared together I’d be devastated. And I would be really upset that my partner would care so little about me once they’d gone to think that was ok.

Him being able to buy her out doesn’t solve this issue unless you’re saying he has multiple millions in the bank. House prices may continue to rise, and his money is needed for retirement, so there’s no guarantee that will be possible at the time.

He values his home/quality of life/security.

Reality is, you have no idea how you'd feel in this situation.

However I dont know why you're in such a hurry to martyr yourself. I certainly wouldnt want this for my parents. And I do not view their presence as house blocking /waiting for them to pass away. Im not surprised he's a bit disgusted.

If you’re really keen to leave lots to your sister you could always buy a life insurance policy with her as the beneficiary.

Whilst I can see the argument both ways I think I would be hurt if I felt I was being forced to move 3 years after the death of a partner just so someone else could benefit.
I would also be concerned that I as the surviving spouse was being forced to take on all the extra costs.
For example in you 3 year plan who is covering
Estate agents fees
Moving costs
Stamp duty
Legal fees
Etc ...
Will that be split equally from the money released from the sale.of the house of.will the surviving partner be expected to cover all those costs out of their half so that the beneficiary of the will can get their inheritance after the 3 years.
If so that is a lot of additional money to find as well as purchasing or renting a new home all at a time in life.many people would be hoping to feel secure and settled.
All this is true regardless of which of you passed away first.