To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

I used to be housing officer for local authority. You would be surprised how many people have chronic health issues in their 70s,live in home that totally unsuitable but just can't face the thought of moving. Telling them that they could move to a nice sheltered bungalow with a level access shower didn't persuade them. They saw their home as the place where they had been happy, where they had brought up their children, they often saw their spouse ( figuratively) in each room. Their home wasn't bricks and mortar, it held memories and emotions.

Could you expand on why it’s so important to you that your older sister inherits from you? If anything, you’d expect it to be the other way around, purely as she’s older. It seems strange to plan your own and your partner’s future around such an unlikely scenario?

Don't buy a house together, OP. Your priorities are different, which is fine (I feel the same as you, by the way), but if one person 'gives in', there will always be resentment. You've also only been together 3 years.

Re him objecting to having to move at age 70+ - so many elderly people have to do this into Care or down size for various reasons - so he should know he may have to do this anyway -OR he thinks YOU will be his carer then - with alzhiemers or whatever might strike!

OP, there’s no right answer here on this one.

You’re entitled to leave your share of the property to your sister. On the flip side, I can see why he doesn’t like this and I wouldn’t like it myself. Losing both your home and your partner in one go. One of my friends other half (who is considerably older than her) wanted - well actually needed - her to sell her home to pool assets so they could buy a place together but required her to move out when he dies so his share in the property could go to his children. She was uncomfortable with this and as her friend I didn’t like it either. My feeling was - shouldn’t he want to be sure she was taken care of?

Could you have a half way position? That if he decides to sell and move, then your share goes to your sister? So he’s not forced to move out, it’s his choice?

Another consideration: if you aren’t married, then inheritance tax will need to be paid on your share of the property. That in itself could force a sale.

I can see it from both points of view, however o wouldn’t want to move if the partner died. It wouldn’t feel like a home, more a stop gap. I don’t think either of you should buy together.

Do you know how much this costs for an older person ?? A lot. Could be £700 a month and rising depending on health.

Just a practical question, if your sister died first, given the scenario you would prefer, what would happen to your share?

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

So you are buying a small house together. In the likely situation that he dies first, your plan is to sell this small house and downsize with half the proceeds.

A hare-brained plan if ever I heard one.

Please do not buy a home together.

The red flag is his anger that you won’t do as he wants.

You have only been together for a few years and it’s entirely up to you where your assets go when you die. Do you both have enough to buy a home outright if the other dies?
You say he is wealthy so presumably it wouldn’t be a problem. Can you afford to buy something too?
Who would inherit in the event of your sister’s death? Do you have nieces/nephews? Does she have a partner?
The other thing to consider is that you can make wills on purchase but surely they can be changed at any time? Or would there be a charge on the house at the point of purchase?
Similarly, if you go ahead, I would want an agreement in writing in the event of a split.
I don’t think I would buy with him and see how things go for a bit longer. Are you able to do this? Or is it a long distance relationship?

YABU. I could understand this arrangement if you didn't want him to be able to leave everything to his adult daughter, but I'd expect him to be able to stay for life.

There no way I'd be plowing assets and mortgage payments into something that I couldn't stay in until I die or want to leave.

If I was him I'd now be looking to use my greater financial power to buy something only in my own name.

@JLou08 OP has said he’d have enough money to buy out her sister, so he could stay where he was.

I agree with this. You’re an idiot, OP. I wouldn’t even be able to buy a one bed flat for half the cost of my small house (once sale costs etc are accounted for. Whoever dies last will be homeless. No fucking way and I’d actually be angry because it would show how little my DP cared about me to put me in that position. Also your approximately 10 years older sister will most likely be dead before you. Does she have children that you would want to benefit if your sister is already dead?

You could look at keeping your own properties and rent them out and make those the main form of inheritance, then buy a place together from the rental income. Which would then be sold when the survivor passes and split between sister and daughter.

I think for financial/inheritance as well as for keeping your relationship on an even, more equal keel, as well as preserve autonomy and space, you might want to explore continuing the 'living apart together' model. This is likely only the first of many issues that will crop up, and the method of communication you have reported in your post, doesn't sound conducive to resolving them amicably.

And so many elderly people don't or won't, so she should know he may not have to do this anyway. He's unlikely to be plotting to keep OP around just so she can be his carer if/when he gets demented. Esp as she's fairly wedded to pre-deceasing him and her sister soon enough that DSis gets to enjoy the spoils!

He can't possibly know that though. What if property prices boom, and property inflation outpaces the growth in his savings and pensions? Like they have for the last 40 years or so.

Or perhaps his pension provider goes under and he has to take a haircut. Or he makes some bad investments. Or he needs significant and expensive care. Or the OP does and his assets help pay for that. Or the sister decides she doesn't want to be bought out?

People buy houses to buy security. For the vast majority of us, you stick in a majority of your assets as a deposit and pay a significant chunk of your income as a mortgage to pay for the rest. Why bother if when you're 80 you suddenly have to hire solicitors and estate agents, and gather funds to buy out another 80 year old.

If I was the OPs DP I'd be mentally buying the sister out now and getting a place solely in my own name. When it comes to significant amounts of money it's better to price in the risks, not hope they won't happen.

Apparently most people disagree with me and would happily go along with this scheme. Which maybe helps explain why so many women find themselves stitched up financially by their partners.

So she actually wants to have a house she co-owns now and for her sister to get his cash when she dies. All for some nice feels from a fantasy about her sister inheriting, rather than the less warm feels this is creating in her relationship right now and the reality of the complications it would cause for DP if/when she dies early.

Yes as OPs partner I would be seriously assessing our relationship right now and I think it would be wise for both to part company as this transaction is a world apart in what it means for both parties.

So when you die he buys you out? I wouldn’t want to have to sell my home either 🥴 you don’t know how well you’ll be to deal with it. You could be in your nineties!

My DH before getting married bought a house. He has kids from a previous marriage. We chose to be tenants in common, with the caveat that the other could remain in the house but shares from the property when sons would go to our names benefactors. His were obviously his kids and mine was my brother.

It suited us fine. His kids would be looked after and my family would too.

We’ve since got married and had children, so everything is combined and would be split equally between all children.

What 2 bed property are you referring to? The OP is discussing buying a new joint property together - at the moment they don’t own one, two bed or otherwise?

I referred to the fact that ‘many people’ do not have the expectation of remaining in their homes until until death, for instance because of downsizing. Often illness and immobility lead to moving too. As a [surviving] single person either OP or her DP would only need a one bedroom property in old age anyway, so it is not unreasonable for OP to expect their [notional] joint property to be sold after 3 years to free up funds for her sister, is it? Or vice versa, as I am sure the DP wouldn’t want his DD to have to wait until OP has died to get her share of the house either?

Have you looked at the costs of downsizing. Often you need to move out of the area to a much cheaper part to offset the estate agents, moving and stamp duty costs. It isn’t a case of selling and getting 50% to buy another property in the same area.

The thing is though he wouldnt have to sell..if he still wanted to stay, he could easily buy my sister out. If the arrangement meant he 'had' to move if I died, I wouldnt have proposed it. I'd like my money to go to my sister because she would be in more need of it than my DP.

I think if you are embarking on a relationship earlier on in life, its more likely to be 'all in' financially and everything shared while you build a life together.

Also I suppose the pattern starts really at the beginning of a relationship...for example, my DP lived with me for a year while he renovated his house...he didn't offer to contribute anything to outgoings and nor would I accepted if he had as I didnt need it.. but our finances have always been quite separate rather than a shared pot as might have been the case had we met years ago.

The last thing I'd want to do in my old age after grieving my oh is worry about moving and finding another home. Plus though he might be finacially secure now who knows if he will be in 30 odd years or maybe he'll be infirm or so forth.

Whats for sure though is your wants arent aligned and I wouldn't be buying together on this basis