To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

Its ok for him, his half will be left to his daughter, who presumably is at least 20+ years younger ... whereas your sister isn't so likely may never inherit.
I think he is being unreasonable, whereas you are being upfront and honest.

I have asked, more than once, what happens if the sister dies first?

She's already answered your question and the answer was "yes".

Well do you really want to have to buy a house in your 60s or 70s if he dies first? Will half the proceeds of the sale of your your home buy you somewhere else local to your friends, resources, transport etc, you won't get a mortgage

I understand where you're coming from, but I think you aren't considering what his finacial and physical position is likely to be in 20 or 30 years time. You said he could buy your sister out, which may be true now, but you can't be certain that would be the case in the future. You based that assumption on his current savings and pensions and the current cost of the house.

If I look back to when we bought our house 27 years ago and what it's worth now, no way would I be in a position to buy out half the value with my current savings and income. My savings and pensions now are well over 50% of the house value when we bought it, but house prices have increased way beyond any increase in savings I held at the time. Currently I would be looking at funds of about 25% of the house value, and my pension isn't going to increase in the future beyond the small annual state pension increases. His income will quite likely ɓe static and funds may be diminishing not growing once he retires.

I agree with setting a staggered time for any trust. So that once he reaches 65 he has a right to remain in the home until death or when he can't live independently any longer. I would work on the assumption that it will be your neice who is most likely to benefit from the property, not your sister, but leave her other assets.

It's also worth considering what happens if your sister dies before your DP- will your financial contributions/assets in the house will go to his children and families, or to your sister's children? Do you have a will? You've been only been in this relationship for three years, one of which he lived with you without any contribution to your outgoings (shocking in my view, but in keeping with his selfish financial sensibilities) - I really would not not buy a property with him, if I were you.

While I think it is spot on for you to leave your half to your sister, should you die first. I don’t think your death should leave the remaining partner 3 years to live in the home before having to sell up. That’s not right to me. I don’t think you should mix finances at all.

Why on earth at this stage of your life are you inviting and seeking out problems and complications for yourself. You are not even married, have no children, so what is the point of buying a home together. You have a very good relationship with your sister, why would you want to complicate your financial situation over someone who just appeared (3years is a very short time imo) when you and your sister have been through so much.

Joining finances and home when there isn’t a single reason to, makes no sense.

I absolutely would. He has assets. He can afford to buy the sister out if he chooses to. Hes not going to be homeless. He has funds. Wanting a life time interest is grabby.

There's a good chance OP's sister and partner will die before her anyway. Sorry that's awful and of course no guarantees but I think neither the OP's wishes nor the partners are unreasonable; however they are conflicting and incompatible in that sense.

That’s just an assumption. It doesn’t appear like that to me, it appears like he doesn’t want to be turfed out his home when or if his partner dies first. Which is understandable

Best bet is he buys the house in his own name and you both live there. Theb you sell your place and invest the money long term with a view to leaving it to your sister and/or her kids when you die. Then if he predeceases you, you have the funds to buy a new place for yourself.

I'm glad someone said exactly what I wanted to say and feels the same way I did.

Oh well if he has funds, he won’t have any feelings then. Fuck him, the grabby bastard is clearly after OP for her money.

People are being very thick as it is obvious what the OP has said.

Totally agree. I have been with my DH for 9 years and married for 6 for one reason or another we have never lived together but this is our year to make it happen. If he stuck a clause on me having to move out of a house that I 50% within 3 years of his death then I would not be moving in with him. I want security and stability going into this partnership and me having to move out is not that. I have DC that will inherit all of my half and I would not expect DH to have to move out until he died / had to go into care / chose to move out of his own accord.

I couldn’t think of much worse than if my DH died and I was old and frail and then I had the headache of having to leave our family home and find somewhere else.

I can absolutely see why your DP doesn’t want to do this.

But I too would want to leave my assets to my sister in your circumstances.

I am assuming you both own your own homes right now.
So could you keep them both in your individual names and rent one out and use that money to pay off the existing mortgages?

I absolutely would. He has assets. He can afford to buy the sister out if he chooses to. He's not going to be homeless. He has funds. Wanting a life time interest is grabby.

If DH had this attitude I would run for the hills and never move in with him. My assets / savings are for my pension not for his relatives to inherit so I can stay in my house (which i probably would have to sell anyway as I had spent all of my savings), for a future security I am working bloody hard to achieve. No way on this earth would I jeopardise moving in with someone who had this attitude.

When you get to your 50s and are merging assets I would be very very wary of putting myself in a financially precarious place in any way shape or form and would 100% not move in with you OP.

I find the arrangement odd. I think it’s fair for you to want your share to go to your family but if I was buying a property to live in I’d hate to know I’d be required to sell if my partner died. Fair enough that he’s wealthy and could buy your share but it’s just an admin headache to deal with along with the grief.

Don’t have any financial entanglement with this man. He’s shown you who he is.

I’d be quite disgusted by a newish partner thinking he had the right to profit from my death. At the expense of family I wanted to help. I take this as a good insight into who he is and cool my heals on buying property with him. You may live to regret it.

I wouldn’t want to have to move in old age so someone could inherit the house. Downsizing at 70 is a different ballgame to downsizing at 88 and you can’t guarantee when it will be. Nor would I want to have to keep a pile of money to buy out my sil when dh dies. I’d rather spend it, frankly.
Arangements like this are tricky. My mum has a “lifetime interest” friend who has been widowed for 20+ years and her DHs surviving dd is in her 80s waiting for dad’s money. His other child died - idk how old but late 70s/early 80s - without inheriting but he has a ds who will inherit.

You don’t have and dc and are only in your 40s and are going to be mortgage free. You can build your pension up and support your sister in different ways. Alternatively buy a house with your sister rather than this guy.

I wouldn't agree to that tbh. Like he loses you and then the clocks ticking? Do you know how long it takes a wade through grief of your OH?

Don't buy a house with him. It's always going to be a scab.

If we bought together and he died first id be perfectly happy to downsize to enable his daughter to access her inheritance

You do not know that OP.

Where do you both live at the moment? It sounds like he is wanting a forever home whilst you want a savings pot that could be passed on to your family. If he has so much in savings could he buy the house abd you buy a smaller property to rent out and then leave to your family