To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

I can see his point to be honest. I would hate to have to sell the home I share with DH if he died. It's our home and it's where we've built memories together.

I can't imagine being forced to take on the stress of moving alone ( potentially as an elderly person), whilst also grieving my partner and the home we built together.

Only you know his exact finances, but honestly living a long life but having to pay for care could erode his savings. If you then died, could he still buy your sister out, taking account of the way house prices constantly rise? And if you had to have care how would that be funded? I'm sorry, but none of this is well thought out. If you can't think of every eventuality and how that would impact the arrangement, then don't do it. And, as I asked earlier, what happens if your sister dies first?

Really surprised at some of these answers. DP and I have no kids but three nephews each. I want to leave my half of the house to mine, and he to his.

If he came to me and said he’d want to force to sell my home three years after losing him to give his nephews their money I’d be seriously hurt. I would not in a million years dream of wanting him to have to sell his home either. I think it’s awful.

He lived with you for a year and didn't even offer to contribute to outgoings?! I think that tells you his attitude towards you, finances and how he'll act if you buy something together.

It sounds as though he has sufficient funds to buy the remaining half in that scenario.

Normally they would have a right to stay there until they die.
The fact you want him to be turfed out, is enough to say don’t buy a place with him.

You would have someone you love, who is potentially elderly and infirm, forced into the hassle of selling their home one year after their partner died? It seems so callous.

Again I think you're being unrealistic with the way you bandy around how 'easy' all these things would be for him after you've died. It's like you've never met an older person who struggles with change, especially after the loss of a life partner. Buying your sister out will not be easy even if he still has the funds to do it. My mum finds it stressful enough to sort much smaller financial matters since my dad died and to have to deal with buying your sister out just so DP can stay in his own home after you'd died would be a major stress he can well do without. You're so fixated on this (frankly quite odd) idea of your sister enjoying your £££ once it's extracted from the house 3 years after you've died that you've decided everything else is fine to be sublimated to this fantasy. Just stay put and give your sister some of your money now if that's what's really important to you.

I also think the main point, as made by other PPs, is that you're talking about a 'small property' which renders talk of downsizing afterwards irrelevant. Everyone surely knows one-beds aren't much cheaper than two-beds, plus people have lots of stuff and rarely want to change to a one-bed unless they really have to. Which isn't a likely scenario for this DP. If you don't get that, don't buy together.

Oh very many people do have that exact expectation even when its well beyond the point of making practical and financial sense. A housing officer commented exactly this earlier in the thread, and MN is full of stories about elderly parents rattling round in homes too big, too expensive to run and not practical in terms of stairs etc but refusing to contemplate selling up in favour of something smaller, easier to run and practical.
In the Ops case their house is already going to be small so what's he going to do to downsize, find a 1 bed ground floor apartment in a nice area with good transport links and close to shops, GP etc? How many of those are there in any given area? If I were buying a house in my 50s I'd already be planning ahead to make it one I could still live in comfortably when I'm elderly tbh

I can understand him not wanting to be forced into selling his home if you die before him but If he could easily buy your share and give it to your sister in lieu of selling the house I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If he refuses then perhaps you should cancel plans to buy the house with him

But OP says he has enough assets to buy her out so he wouldn't have to move if he didn't want to

If you can't agree then don't buy together!

I can totally see both points of view. Unfortunately it does not sound like buying a house together is a good idea. You want your sister to have enough time to enjoy your share if anything should happens to you. You would be happy to downsize if roles reversed.Your partner wouldn’t be happy. While he should be able to buy sister out. He might not if savings/pension do not increase at same rate as house prices.

i would suggest you may like to consider moving in together and rent other house out but I am not sure you are on the same page when it comes to finances.

Unless an advisor can come up with an idea you are both happy it sounds like buying together would be a bad idea. The person that comprises may be resentful.

She's no idea how straightforward or not that might be - getting the cash from his assets, if he still have sufficient, and whether her sister would be easy to deal with in this process. It could be stressful and emotional on top of their loss, and a hell of a lot easier to just call quits on this now and keep their own places so she can leave her sister her money without storing up this needless aggro.

I see his point, and I wouldn't be happy about this either. The home DH and I bought is just that, our home that we both own, I wouldn't feel happy or secure knowing I could be booted out after a bereavement as if I were in a rented property.

I also would bot be happy to have to find a large sum of money for the privilege of keeping hold of my own home should something happen to DH because he'd valued a sibling more than me.

If your sister is the same age as your partner, I'm not sure this way of helping her is very effective. No one knows what lies ahead: you're assuming she will live longer than him and inherit, but what if she doesn't? Does she have children, and if not who would then inherit that share of your property? I would think about how you can help your sister now, or in the next 10 years, if that's what you want.

This all assumes that neither of you need to go into care before you die. You then would need to pay for care given you’ll have an asset greater than their minuscule limit. In these circumstances one or both of you might not have anything to leave anyone. I say this as someone who has just had to buy the family home myself to fund my dad’s care, rather than losing it completely

That’s true. His assets may not be in line with rise in house prices. Maybe something to factor in as may not be as simple as first seems.

Tread carefully. All your wealth may end up locked away, for a long time.

I think you’d be a bit mad to agree that you’d move out of your home if your partner dies. Leaving aside any emotional stuff, what if he dies when you’re 90 or something, and maybe have had adaptations made to the house? Or if you’re unwell when he dies?

Second family type situations create so much stress round finances. I'm not sure there are ever easy answers.

He could be in his 80s or older, would you really expect him to leave his home at that age? You could have been together 30 years by then. You seem to be hoping you will pop off nice and young so your sister can inherit, I would be a bit irritated too.

I have repeated this a few times but he has sufficient funds to buy my sister out...probably 10 fold at todays rate and then multiple pensions on top of that...my portion of the house would be tiny in comparison.

The idea of buying a smaller house 50/50 was mine.

I'd be upset too if my DH wanted me to move out of my home after he died. Surely you want the best for your partner in the event of your death - to know that they'll be safe, settled and secure? It would be horrible to think that I would need to move out of my home. I know it's a bit different, you've only been together a few years, you're not married, and you don't share finances.

But, it's very normal when buying a house to give your partner a life interest in your half of that house in the event of your death. You must love him if you are thinking of buying a place together, and presumably want the best for him if you were to die before him. I know you say that he could buy your sister out, but who's to say that his financial situation will be the same as he gets older - house prices increase, he may need expensive at home care as he gets older etc. I can't imagine professing to say I love someone, but to force them out of their home as they get older - a house is so much more than just bricks and mortar. Hopefully by the time one of you dies, you'll have many happy memories of living together in your home.

If you are not ready to care about what happens to your partner for the rest of his life, perhaps you are not ready to move in together. It sounds like you are quite different in your financial outlook.

This. He is trying to endure h gets all your assets so nothing left for your sister.